Current Happenings

Saturday, August 30, 2008

A Victory of Sorts

I feel a little bit like I've been tortured with a thousand cuts, but I've survived the night. I consider it a victory of sorts, because I didn't stuff myself full of bad food during such a stressful time. When my uncle stood up for his speech and said that my dad ran off and made a lot of mistakes, but now he was making the "right" decision by marrying #2, it pretty much killed any appetite that I might have otherwise had. It's hard to want to eat when it sounds like someone is saying, in front of all your family, that your dad made a mistake by marrying your mom.

For as much as it killed my pride, I started crying a little. As soon as the speech and dinner prayer was over, I excused myself and walked outside. Yay me. Instead of eating myself a few pounds heavier, I sat on a curb and started praying. I love my dad, which is the only reason why I would choke back the bile and attend the wedding. It's pretty hard to listen to him, and everyone else, talk about how God put them together, blah, blah, blah. Quite frankly, I think it is more reasonable to think that maybe God would have instead wanted my dad to honor the vows that he made to my mom and the Lord himself when they got married.

Anyway, I did drink some of my calories. I had a couple of drinks, but they were mostly orange juice. Other than that, I probably drank a pot of coffee throughout the rest of the evening. I had a piece of cake and a very small portion of something that was supposed to be sherbet. It felt more like an ice cream to me. I guess that took up the caloric allotment the I would have used up on my chicken, if I had eaten it. I ate a little fettucini, a couple "branches" of broccoli, and a few small nibbles of mashed potato. I guess I ate more broccoli than anything else. Like I said, eating was a chore at the time. I probably wouldn't have eaten at all, except that I might have had to listen to griping about it. Many of my relatives have already expressed their displeasure with how "unsupportive" I am of my dad's relationship, because they expect that I should be overcome with joy or something. I've never done or said anything that was rude, but it isn't enough for some folks. I don't know why they care what my personal feelings are anyway. I shouldn't have to paste on a smile just to make them feel good.

I didn't drink much water today, so I may not be wonderfully happy with the scale in the morning. I'm not sure that I care though. I could use a time of fasting and prayer tomorrow, and that always gives me plenty of fluids. Even if all I do is sit and soak in the presence of God, that will be a blessing to me. I think that right now, I don't need words. He knows what is going on in my heart, especially the things that I can't express with words. As I sat on that curb, I just asked Him to be with me and bring comfort. He is my ever-faithful Father, and He never leaves me. I am very thankful for that right now, and am in even greater need for a hug from "Daddy". When my fleshly father is happy to make a new family and move away, even requests a song that talks about leaving "baggage" behind while moving to Georgia, at least Abba Father is here with me. I never have to hunt Him down, and He never stands me up.

Friday, August 29, 2008

August 29, 2008

Yay! I only have two more pounds, and then I will have lost 30 pounds! I can almost taste the success. I think that it tastes like meatloaf. lol

I made meatloaf for dinner yesterday, and it was very yummy. My husband wasn't that big of a fan, but he literally likes a brick of meat. I made a point to fill the meatloaf with lots of vegetables, which made it light and moist. I added some rice for a filler, and then loaded in a bunch of onion, green pepper, and even the tomatoes from my garden. I can't believe that DH ate tomatoes without sifting through the meatloaf to pick them out. I was careful not to mention them until after he was done eating though.

In addition to the meatloaf, I also cooked some corn on the cob and broccoli. I really love my multi-tier steamer. It is a wonderful thing. I put my corn on to boil in the bottom, and then steamed the broccoli in a steamer pot above the corn.

I had some running around to do last night, after dinner. When I came home, we all got settled in and kicked back to relax. After Pumpkin went to bed, DH and I had a little ice cream for dessert. I had a very small serving, and added a serving of animal crackers to it, to make it seem more substantial. Boy, that ice cream was so sweet that I thought my head was going to pop off. I guess that is what happens to a gal when she doesn't normally eat sugar. My small serving was quite enough for me, and I didn't want any more afterward.

I am looking forward to getting back in the gym next week. It will feel good to hike the treadmill and lift weights, especially after the stress that I anticipate from starting school again this year. I don't adapt to change very well, and getting up earlier and trying to be happy about it is going to be a little difficult. Dealing with a child who likes to procrastinate with lessons is equally difficult. I really do enjoy homeschooling though, so it all ends up being worth the little bit of stress. It's just getting into the routine that takes some work. Once we get into our groove, things move much better.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

August 28, 2008

I'm happy to be down a little bit today. I have 12.5 lbs. to go before I reach my first big goal. I think that right now, I'm gunning for that 2.5 lbs that are hanging on there. I'm going to work hard to knock those off, so I only have 10 left. Hopefully I'll be able to burn off a few calories by dancing around at my dad's wedding reception. It may be the only real exercise that I get for this week. Things have been so very busy. I wanted to exercise last night, but we went to church instead.

With the lack of exercise these past few days, I am even more thankful to have my digital scale. It makes life so much easier. I weigh nearly all of my food, just so I can make sure that I am eating proper portions, and to train my eyes to recognize what a portion looks like. I am very diligent when it comes to snack foods, like my animal crackers, or even the knock-off doritos that I had yesterday. Sure, I really wanted some chips with lunch, but I don't want to wear them on my hips because I accidentally ate too many of them. There is nothing that is "not allowed" in my diet. Instead, I just handle the snack foods very carefully.

One of the biggest helps that I've had with losing the extra weight has been modifying foods. For instance, when our budget is real tight, we typically eat more packaged dinners like Hamburger Helper. Even when we eat that now, I find ways to make it friendlier for our bodies. There is no getting past the fact that it is processed, but it doesn't have to be hugely fattening either. So, I dramatically cut back the amount of milk that is called for, and replace it with water. I skip the butter. I may add some extra seasonings though, to kick up the flavor. I almost never use beef with the noodles these days. Instead, I use ground turkey or even chunks of chicken that I've picked from the bones of a previous meal. All in all, my family doesn't seem to mind the differences. The "Helper" is only a modest portion of our meal, so it's not a big deal. They get something with creamy noodle and meat, and that makes them happier to eat the many vegetables that I serve also. Goodness, Pumpkin actually asked for a brussel sprout at dinner the other night! (...and she ate it!)

Ugh, I am feeling so miserable today. It's just one of those days that I pout about being a woman, and want nothing more than to curl up on the couch with some hot chocolate and do nothing, all day. I'm feeling cheerful about the loss of weight though, so that makes it a less dreary day, at least on the inside. It is cloudy and grey out today. I think that it kind of matches my mood of late, as I get more anxious with the date of my dad's wedding coming up. I won't pout and whine about it. That would accomplish nothing. I'm not comfortable, nor happy about it though. I'm still trying to figure out where to put my eyes during the whole affair, because the sight of them hanging on each other (and more) just turns my stomach. But, I'm a grown-up, and I get to act like one. I guess that I should be happy that I'm not stress-eating.

It just occurred to me yesterday that I haven't measured myself in a while. I'm not sure that it would do me any good to try and take measurements at the moment, being the time of month that it is. However, I think that I will go ahead and do that when I'm feeling better next week. I'm curious to see where I may have lost some inches.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

August 27, 2008

I ate carrot cake yesterday. I even ate chocolate and peanut butter ice cream. It was my sister's birthday. :) I did have small servings though. I got the smallest sliver of cake that they could shave off, and a real small scoop of ice cream. Even though I had small servings, I still felt like my head was going to pop off. Wow, that was a lot of sugar.

After the party, we went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I go to Meijer for our pet supplies, yogurt, and produce. This time, I got a head of cauliflower that was HUGE. Pumpkin was in awe of it's size. Now that I have those things, I will go to Aldi for the rest of our groceries.

Since we hadn't really had dinner, DH grabbed a cheap pizza at the grocery store. I baked it, and while it was cooking, I had some leftover chicken and noodle bake from the other day. So, when the pizza was done, I got away with having just one tiny slice. I just wanted a bit of the taste in my mouth.

Today, I am coming in at 222, which is a good number for me. I want out of these 20's pretty bad. I will be so excited when I get into the 10's. It's one more step closer to comfort and nicer clothes. lol I have a whole bunch of brand new pants in my drawer that I haven't been able to wear. I was almost ready to put them on, and then I became pregnant. Since I lost my mind and found 40 pounds when Ezra died, I never got to wear the pants. It doesn't help that I am "pear" shaped and carry the majority of my weight around my hip/lower abdomen area.

I am really hoping to wear at least a couple pairs of pants that are in that drawer this fall and winter. That would be nice. I only have one pair of jeans that I wear now, and a pair of grey slacks that are now really loose. I may have to crochet myself a couple of pretty belts to use until I work off enough weight to switch pants. The buckles would be really cheap at the fabric store.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

End to the Weekly Weigh-In + Some

It's not that I plan on forsaking the scale, but I am tired of what I put myself through. I am too hard on myself if the scale doesn't move enough in a week, and that makes me unhappy. When I'm unhappy, I don't lose weight very well. So, I am going to continue with my almost-daily weigh-in each morning, but I won't be blogging each week about what the scale says. I'm going to use my scale as a means to keep track of what is going on with my body, not something to compete against.

I do still care what the scale has to say, mainly because it reminds me about drinking water. It reminds me that I will retain weight for a couple days after a real tough workout. It reminds me that 2 cups of mashed potatoes is not a serving, and looks bad on my hips. I'd like for that to be the extent of it. I'm tired of racing myself and feeling like the number has to go down every week, or else I've let myself down. Goodness, I've been overweight for so long now, an extra few months of working off the weight isn't going to hurt anything. If I take it slower, then I take it slower.

I want to lose weight in a fierce way. I want to be more slender and feel more fit. I want to get to a point where I don't flip out if my husband tries to pick me up, or wants me to sit on his lap. I don't aspire to be perfect or non-lumpy. It would be nice to have an easier time finding pretty clothes, and even nicer to wear prettier things under my pretty clothes. I'm not waiting until I get thinner to work on some of these things though.

I had to go shopping for a dress this week, something to wear to my dad's wedding. Shopping can be such a stressful thing for a gal who has breasts and hips as full as mine. I have a waist, but my curvier parts seem to dominate. That makes it hard to find clothes that hang right, and don't leave my girls spilling out. Instead of being disappointed by clothing this week, I decided that I was going to enjoy myself.

There is no getting past the fact that I am overweight. I have plenty of "survival layer" fat on me, which I've been tempted to use as insulation during the winter. ( I bet that I'd lose weight fast, if I could stand the whole freezing part. lol) There is no way that I'm going to convince anyone, myself included, that I am not overly fat by choosing some miracle outfit. So, why not be happy with a dress that looks pretty, just because it looks pretty? :) I'm not expecting my clothes to make me beautiful, but maybe I'll look more beautiful because I'm no longer trying to hide my bumps... and effectively hiding me.

I bought a dress that has a wide belt to draw attention to the fact that I DO have a waist. The skirt is flattering to my hips, and is long enough that I feel comfortable. My thighs aren't all that attractive just yet, but my lower legs are looking pretty sleek. So, a knee-length dress is just what the doctor ordered. It is a strapless dress, which was the only dress that really seemed to fit comfortably. Since I don't really want to be without good support, I am still wearing my bra. I just bought a light bolero-style sweater for coverage. Hopefully that will help camouflage my bosom a bit, also.

I am pretty. It doesn't matter if I have extra squish to my body. I'm still me. :)

Monday, August 25, 2008

Frustrated

I've been a little frustrated with myself lately. We've been surrounded by family functions, reunions and birthday parties. While I've made a point to be active and still go to the gym, I have been nibbling on foods that I know I shouldn't be. Goodness, yesterday I ate a pop tart.

All in all, I guess that I haven't been doing awfully, but it feels like that because I've been more lax. I haven't been feeling well, nor sleeping well. My stomach has been upset, and I find that I am nibbling more to try and ease my stomach, even when I know I shouldn't be eating.

Anyway, I stepped on the scale today, and it read 225. I know that my reading of 221 was probably a freak reading, since it was a dramatic drop from the day before. Still, I'd much rather be closer to that number than where I am at. I need to get a hold on things before I set myself back any further. Since I know that I've been slacking off on my water intake, that is where I am starting. I am going to make a big effort to drink sufficient water today.



12:35 pm

Maybe I should be surprised, but I'm not. I spent the morning hydrating myself. I've had three cups of water, plus one cup of coffee. When I stepped on the scale, it read a whole pound lighter than it did this morning. So, I am now at 224 lbs and holding... at least for a moment. I have my next round of water sitting next to me, waiting to be ingested. I will take another three cups of water, and follow it with a cup of soup.

I'm not sure what I am doing later in the afternoon. I plan on sitting down to dinner with my family, though I'm not sure what I should eat right now. I'd like something light and moist, maybe some ripe fruit. I'll have to figure all of that out when I get there. I have a lot of running around to do this evening, as my grocery shopping needs doing. I only have one roll of toilet paper remaining in my reserve, and that puts me into the red zone for panic. *laughs* I'm not actually in a panic, but there have been times when being low on toilet paper has brought on a fair amount of anxiety. I guess we all have our oddities, and I don't like the thought of running out of toilet paper. It wouldn't be the end of the world or anything, but it would make things interesting.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Week 13 Weigh-In

Well, for the first time, I am posting a gain. I am up to 223.5 lbs., which is up by a pound since last weigh-in. Oh, and let me just say that it was chocolate chip cookies. The night before my weigh-in, I must have been a complete airhead. I didn't even think about what day it was, or that I had to step on the scale in the morning. Well, tartar sauce! *sigh* I can't eat sugary chocolate chip cookies without coming out heavier for it, whether I eat 1 or 10. I think that I had 4 cookies yesterday. That wasn't the most wonderful thing to do, but I'll deal with it.

I went to the gym today, all by my lonesome. I didn't exercise for as long as I had anticipated, but I blame that on my intestines. My husband wanted a pizza for dinner, and I had two pieces before heading to the gym. I guess that being minus one gall bladder, plus some pizza, adding on a lot of water, mixed in with good exercise... it must be a recipe for disaster. That makes me not want to eat pizza any more. Of course, it helps that the pizza wasn't as good as I had thought it might be.

My knee has been hurting me a lot today. I was really careful on the treadmill though, and my knee pain seemed to be eased by increasing the incline on the treadmill. I walked for 30 minutes on a 7% incline at 2.8 mph. I am typically more ambitious, but I didn't want to seriously hurt myself if the knee wasn't going to hold up to the exercise. Then I went and lifted weights until I thought my arms and shoulders would fall off. I lifted for my inner and outer thighs also, but they never get quite as sore as my arms/shoulders, at least not until the next day. I tried to ride the bike for 10 minutes, but I had to stop half of the way through.

All in all, I didn't have a stellar day today, but it wasn't *bad* either. I just need to get back into my groove. I've been feeling out of sorts since our vacation, and just haven't found my rhythm just yet. I'm working on it though.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Insanity!

Ok, so yesterday was NOT a good food day. It was pretty awful, if I'm honest. I didn't eat the amount of junk that I used to, but I still went nuts with the food. Quite frankly, I felt that I had to eat, and was never satisfied. I don't know what was going on, but I was drawn to really rich foods. It wasn't that my quantity of food was horrible, but the quality was severely lacking.

I think that one of the things that set me off yesterday was that the scale was reading higher when I stepped on it first thing that morning. Yeah, it read two pounds heavier, and I hadn't done a thing. Now that I think about it, I probably just needed to drink some more water. But, it made me grumpy, and that didn't help anything. Still, for as sad as that made me, I seriously don't believe that I was eating my emotions along with my Kit-Kat Blizzard (at least it was a small). It makes me wonder what is going on with me... and I'm praying that I get my period on time this month. Let's just hope that this is a freaky day and nothing more.

I am feeling better today. Nothing has really changed, but I feel better anyway. My weight didn't go up with all of the fluff that I ate. It stayed on 224, which is what it read when I stepped on yesterday morning. Maybe a little portion of that has expanded my fat cells, while the other 1.5 pounds is water. I don't know. To be honest, I'm not really caring today. Instead, I'm just focusing on my fluids.

For the first few hours of today, I'm not going to eat. Instead, I am going to enjoy a variety of yummy liquids to ease any dehydration that I'm experiencing. Once I know that I am properly hydrated, then I will start trusting my sense of hunger again. That should go a long way toward helping me to feel better and eat the right portions of foods.

I didn't visit the gym last night because my husband got stuck in some horrible traffic and didn't get home until very late. So, I wanted to spend some time with him more than I wanted to sweat at the gym. It can be sad to only see my best friend for an hour, and then have to wait another whole day for him to be at home with me again. So, I chose him instead.

Since I didn't get to the gym, I'm going to do some heavier housework today, and then maybe go to the gym when my husband gets home. It's usually crazy in there on Fridays, but I'll survive. Sis won't be there, because she says that she won't go on a Friday. I need to get used to exercising without her anyway though, since I don't believe she plans on renewing her membership at the gym. Anywho, I need to mow the grass today, straighten up our school room, and possibly lift some weights if I have any strength left after moving furniture. Oh, and I want to walk to our little market and see if they have my turkey bratwurst today. They are the only place that I've found the little brats, and I have them instead of hotdogs. They are even fewer calories than a hotdog, with a much better taste. They are even bigger and more filling, all for 120 calories. Instead of a hotdog bun, I just use a slice of my light bread, which gives me more fiber anyway. It doesn't hurt that the walk to the market and back is just over a mile.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

August 13, 2008

After having a good workout last night, I woke up a little stiff this morning. My muscles are all fine, but my knees are feeling old and rusty. I imagine that I can hear them creak like noisy hinges, though all they really do is crackle when I walk up and down stairs.

I had a rough night last night, as my sleep was buggered up with a bad dream. I blame it all on a book I was reading before bed last night. In the book, they were talking about war, and it carried over into my nighttime thoughts, apparently. So, I wasn't feel stellar as I stepped onto the scale this morning, but I perked up a little bit to see the number a 1/2 pound smaller. Hopefully, I can hold onto that through the week.

Sometimes I get a little disappointed by the fact that I am having to lose all of this weight all over again. I keep thinking that if I had just been "good", then I would be very near my goal right now. Instead, I am just getting back to the weight that I was before Ezra died...and then there was the time when I went a little crazy. I hate to even say it, because it sounds like an excuse. However, my grief had some strong affects on me. First, I tried to jump right back into my fitness routine, and I used my food and exercise as a distraction. It seemed that if I only concentrated on recording my food and exercising, I might get by with minimal scarring. I found out quickly that my body wasn't ready for all of that though, and I felt sick, and even walking sent shooting pains through my abdomen.

With my appetite and stomach all out of whack, and exercising being terribly painful, it left me a lot of time to sit and think- the one thing I was avoiding. Without anything to distract me, I became overwhelmed. God and I were not on good speaking terms during that time. He is a patient Father, let me tell ya. He put up with my griping without knocking me down a few notches. I didn't want to talk to Him at all. I was angry and hurt, and I hoped that He hurt with me for as much as my heart was breaking. I wanted to lash out, but the whole time I just kept saying that even while it felt like He was killing me, I loved Him anyway. It didn't feel like He loved me, but I refused to let my pain tear apart our relationship completely. In that haze of grief, I stopped caring about what I ate. There was just too much on my mind already.

Thankfully, I eventually healed enough to gain a peace once more. I am damaged deeply, but God can work on me in His time. I will have a great number of questions answered when I die, but in the meantime I trust in Him for the only thing that matters- relationship. I trust that He meant what He said about taking on the wages of my sin upon Himself, and dying in my stead. I have faith and believe that when I die, I will be with Him in heaven, along with the rest of my in-Christ relations. What I don't trust is that I ever actually know or understand what God has in store for me. It may rob me of a lot of opportunities, but I have no faith that I understand the urging of the Holy Spirit, nor that I ever truly hear God in that still small voice. I guess we have more of a letter relationship, not so much a telephone relationship... if that makes any sense.

For my insecurities, I am at least healed enough that I can put my mind on other things and not be crushed by my fear of the Lord. I can journal my food intake and exercise with a bit of focus, and they mean something to me now. I would like to be healthier so I can enjoy life a little more. Pumpkin likes to play soccer, but I have a hard time kicking the ball around with her because I'm not in good shape. I'd like for that to be a little easier to do, regardless of my arthritis and knee pain. I could grit through that for a time, so long as I was healthy enough to move and breathe at the same time. lol

Maybe it isn't something that I should ever write about, but I'd love to lose weight for more intimate reasons also. I would love for my husband to really enjoy looking at me. I know that he loves me, and he desires me regardless of how squishy I may be. There is something to be said for wanting to evoke some plain and simple lust in a man though. I don't desire that any other men ever look at me, just that this one man find me irresistible and exciting.

I am learning all about that aspect of things, from the other side. Since I've begun exercising regularly and lifting weights, my husband has begun to do the same. I don't think that he liked the idea of me being stronger than he is. His male ego could not tolerate such a thing, and I think it is adorable. My thoughts aren't cute and fuzzy when I see the new definition through his arms, shoulders, and back though. I giggle about the big "manly men" at the gym with their man-boobies, but I certainly don't giggle when it comes to my husband's physique. I think that I just want to tear his clothes off in a very frantic way. I've always thought he was gorgeous though, so I guess it isn't much of a change. I just hope that he doesn't decide to actively put on a bunch of muscle, because I love the sleek lines of his body. To me, he is a work of art in lean muscle.

With my husband making a point to eat healthier foods and exercise, it is so much easier for me to stay "on plan". He encourages me to visit the gym, so I feel good about the time I spend there. If he were to pout at me whenever I left, I think I would be utterly miserable. I don't want to be away from him, but I need the motivation of other hard-working people to keep me moving. Competing with my sister is good for me. True, she can run much longer than I can, but I actually think that I may be more physically fit than she is. My mind has a hard time making sense of that, as I am easily 20+ pounds heavier than she is. It could just be that I have worked harder with the weights, and am physically stronger. While she may jog for 5 minutes, I am hiking on the treadmill at 3mph on the highest incline. If it weren't for my bad knees, I feel like I could blast through this weight barrier and run right out of my extra fat. I am strong, but no one can see that for my "spare tire" around my lower abdomen/hips region. Oh, to be a pear-shaped woman.

Still, for all of my grumpiness about losing this same weight over again, at least I am losing it. It is coming off a little bit at a time. Sis says that she can see a definite change in my body. Since I see myself all of the time, I don't really notice it that much. That is why I need to keep small clothing around, just so I can tell the difference. Now, my mantra is simply, "Thirteen more pounds. Just thirteen." It seems like a lot, until I realize that I've lost twice that amount already. Then it sounds easy. I am going to fight to be under the 200 pound mark by the end of this year. If I can do that, then I will feel perfectly comfortable with taking a few months off during the winter, and using them to maintain my weight. I would still exercise and watch what I eat, but would stop trying to lose more weight. I'd prefer to try tackling that when spring comes and I would have more freedom of movement. If I started losing again in March, I could feel pretty comfortable with summer clothing. If I only lost 7 lbs. per month, I would still be very near my goal weight by summer. By this time next year, I could possibly need a whole new wardrobe, which would help me to not gain weight back. I'm going to just take it one week at a time though. I would be incredibly happy if I could get down to 220 this week. I am just itching to get out of these 20's and into the 10's. I was 209 lbs. when I got pregnant with Ezzie, and that actually didn't look too bad on my frame. I'm a pretty solid girl. Everything smaller than that will be like cool-whip on a cupcake- oh so yummy.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Running

I am so proud of me! I ran today!

Ok, maybe I shouldn't have done it, because I know that I'm not supposed to. My doctor probably would have smacked me around a little bit, but it was fun. Sis started jogging next to me, and I thought, "Hey, why not?" I haven't run in such a long time... and probably for good reasons. Still, it was nice to jog a little bit and remember what it was like to really run when I was a teenager.

I huffed and puffed my way through 25 minutes on the treadmill this evening. Then I was on the bike for 20 minutes before moving on to lift some weights. Boy, the backs of my arms are tired now. I need to get in the shower, though I'm not sure how I'll wash my hair. *chuckles* I'm sure I'll figure something out. I never did try on that green dress, so maybe I should do that too, while I'm thinking about it.

My calories are about 1,200 for the day, though I think I'm lagging on the water. I really should drink some more. I'm a little too tired to be getting up every half hour to use the bathroom though. Maybe I'll just drink a cup or two.

Week 12 Weigh-In

Well, compared to my last weigh-in, I am -1.5 pounds. I'd say that is pretty amazing, considering that I haven't been in "recovery" from my vacation for long. All in all, I've lost 25.5 lbs. thusfar and have 13.5 pounds left to lose before I reach my first big goal.

As the 'remaining' number gets smaller and smaller, I am more encouraged and feel hopeful that losing this extra weight is within my means. What I like the most is that I didn't go without anything in order to achieve the loss. I eat whatever foods I really want. I just try to be smart about it. I can have a really good hamburger without eating some 1/2 pound mega-burger with tons of mayo and french fries. I can have two slices of pizza and a diet soda if everyone else is having pizza. It's no big deal. I just can't eat half of the pizza, and then have gooey cinnamon sticks. As time goes by, I am increasingly alright with that. I can't eat that much anyway, not any more. I get full pretty fast these days, and I think that just means that my full-o-meter if finally working again, like it should.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Great Googly-Moogly!

What's a gal supposed to do when eating sounds bad and feels worse? I've had a whopping 259 calories today. I need to eat more, much more. Maybe I'm just choosing poor foods to eat. I tried to eat some banana this morning, and it sat like a brick. I think that I spent two hours eating off of it before I threw the rest away. My coffee was good, but creamer doesn't have many calories. Ah, then there were the animal crackers and 1/3 of a diet soda when I felt that I really had to eat something. Lastly, I had a "no sugar added" fudgesicle with a big 'ole 50 calories. I think that I may have burned more calories than that by chewing on the wooden stick until I started getting splinters in my tongue. I'm just not enthused by food today.

Well, it is nearly dinner time, so I will need to go and eat something. I'm going to heat up some beef roast from yesterday. With some potato, carrots, and corn on the cob, we'll have a real meal. I tell myself that I want it, and that I don't want to sabotage my weight loss by not eating. However, I'm just lacking any motivation. It's easier to sip tea and read a book.

So, what is a gal to do when eating is a chore? Do I force myself to eat anyway? Is that healthy? Should I try to eat light things and pick at food? Do I just drink my water and beverages and just let it be whatever it will be? I don't know. I'm not good at figuring out what my body needs.

Woohoo!

I had been just a little concerned about how my weight loss was going, since I indulged in some decidedly not-going-to-make-me-thinner foods while on vacation. I didn't feel bad about eating them, because I would gladly put on 10 pounds in a week if it meant making my grandma feel good. She worked so hard to cook, especially considering her Rheumatoid Arthritis, I would have eaten sawdust if she had put it on a plate.

There was a bit of happiness going on in the bathroom this morning though, when I stepped on the scale. I am back to my pre-vacation weight! I just got back on Saturday, so I tend to think that that was a quick recovery. Now I am ready to get down to the business at hand- trying on dresses and getting in good enough shape to look nice in one of them. The more that I look at the calendar, the more certain I am that I will be wearing the dark green dress to the wedding. It is more forgiving. My endeavor to wear the pale green dress was all fine and dandy, but maybe just a little too ambitious. Quite frankly, there is only so much weight that a gal can lose in a healthy matter within a short time. If I had started out by crash dieting and working myself like crazy, maybe I would have gotten small enough. However, that just sounded like a horrid idea. I'm glad that it sounded terrible. After having starved myself to lose weight before, it seemed like a much better idea to be kind to me, taking things slower and letting people just deal with having to look at my squishiness. After all, what does anyone else's opinion matter anyway?? Really. So long as I can feel healthy, beautiful, even sexy- what does it matter what other people think when they look at me? The best part is that the more beautiful I feel, the more beautiful my husband seems to see me as. I bet it is all of that self confidence and inner vixen that gets him. *laughs*

Tomorrow is my official weigh-in day, and I look forward to seeing what the scale has to say. If it even just stays the same, I will be very happy. I won't give it reason to go up today. I will be diligent about my water, and I will indulge myself in a variety of healthy foods. I even have some animal crackers all weighed and individually packaged for later on tonight. Nothing makes for a better "on plan" day than a little preparation!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Week 11 Weigh-In

Hey, there was no weigh-in. :)
I happened to be on vacation during my week 11 weigh-in, and I declared that time a vacation from standing on the scale. Quite frankly, I didn't want that week to be dominated by thoughts of food, as I wanted to be focused on spending time with my family. I know that I put on a small amount of weight while I was down there, but I'm not surprised. My grandma cooks good food, and I wasn't going to turn my nose up at any of her meals. So, I happily ate my fried chicken, biscuits, potato salad, and baked beans. I tried not to overeat, and I swam in the pool for a couple hours every day. Whether my next weigh-in shows a gain or not, I don't really care. I can take care of that now that I am back in my own environment and cooking my own food. I am just thankful and happy to have been able to spend such a great time with my family. I miss them very much, and we've only been back home for 2 days.

In the meantime, I am drinking a ton of water and being careful about what I eat. I will weigh in as usual on Tuesday morning, and I'll see where I stand. I was able to get to the grocery store today, so now I have lots of great food to eat. I may do some light exercises tomorrow, but my housework should keep me pretty busy during the day. I might cut the grass for some cardio exercise. *laughs* On Tuesday evening though, I'm going to head in early and really get in a bum-kickin' workout session. I do still have that wedding at the end of the month, and I'd like to look as nice as possible. Goodness, maybe I'll even spring for some contacts before then, so I can wear makeup that folks can notice.

Week 10 Weigh-In

I am down another 2 lbs. this week, though I hadn’t really anticipated it. I had my monthly last week, and it made me feel like a snacking monster. Really, I didn’t do poorly at all, but it *felt* like I did… probably because I was a little worried about it. My perception of the food that I eat isn’t quite right, which is why I so diligently journal all of my food. Otherwise, I may just starve myself out of fear that I’m eating too much. I did have a wonderful chocolate donut though. It was glazed and wonderfully soft. Because I had that donut, I’ve been able to forsake the chocolate chip cookie dough that has been whispering to me from the freezer. I just stick my tongue out at it as I grab a low-calorie popsicle instead.

The real challenge is going to be coming up at the end of this week. I won’t have all of my regular tools and foods, as I’ll be visiting relatives. Have I mentioned that my grandparents are in LOVE with buffet houses? I tell ya, it makes me shake in my boots. Ok, not literally. I guess I could probably find some decent foods to eat at a buffet, if I am exceedingly careful and hit the salad bar first. Thankfully, there are lots of ways to be active at my grandma’s house. Aside from a great abundance of grass that I could cut with the push mower, they also have a swimming pool. Then there are the daily walks that Papa takes, on which I might accompany him. I would love to just relax and not think about all of this stuff, but that green dress isn’t getting any larger, let me tell ya. I really should go and try it on again, just to remind myself of how much work I still have to do.

I was talking with my sister about that dress. She seemed to think that it had something to do with my Dad’s wedding, but it doesn’t, not really. More than anything, it has to do with me wanting to feel beautiful and fun-loving, and for my extended family to be a mite impressed with my glowing health. Hey, when I only see folks at weddings and funerals, I’d like for them to think of me as being happy and healthy. Besides, a plethora of compliments might distract me from the urge to throw up on …. well, let’s just leave it there. Suffice it to say that while I put on a happy face, I’m really quite disturbed. I want to go and have a wonderful night out with my husband. I want to drink and dance, and maybe even do a little kissing in a quiet corner. The rest of the stuff… eh, not so much fun.

Alrighty, I had better get my buns out of this chair and into the kitchen. A yogurt does not a breakfast make, so I need to raid the eggs or something. There’s nothing like eggs and cauliflower for breakfast! (Ok, so other people might disagree. That’s alright.)

Week 9 Weigh-In

I am down by another 2 pounds this week! That puts me at a 22 lb. loss so far.

I’ve found that one of my biggest obstacles in loosing the weight is that I crank down too hard on myself. I need to increase my caloric allotment a little bit, and then the weight comes off much easier. That has been one of the harder parts of this- trying to figure out what I need to be eating. There seems to be a “sweet spot” for me, where I lose the weight easier. If I eat more or less than that amount, I don’t really see results.

I am getting excited though, being in a different “decade” of numbers. lol I am happy to be in the 220’s, because it is so much closer to where I want to be. I will be even more excited when I get into the 10’s. I am working really hard to try and get to my pre-pregnancy (latest pregnancy) weight before my wedding anniversary at the end of October. If I am dedicated and don’t become overly zealous with the calorie cutting, then I should make it. That would be such a wonderful gift to myself.

There is still quite a way to go before I can fit myself into that green dress for my dad’s wedding. However, I also have a darker green dress that I can button up, that is just a little too snug. I could probably wear that easily by the time the end of August rolls around. It isn’t as flashy as the other dress, but I’m feeling as though the dark green of the dress matches my mood about the wedding better. We’ll see which dress I end up going in. I think that the darker green will end up being more comfortable, but DH might really enjoy seeing me in the lighter, more beautiful dress that he bought for me. All in all, it’s good to know that I won’t be without a dress if I can’t get that zipper up. Even if I can’t make it work for August, I might be able to wear the light dress for my own wedding anniversary. I don’t know where I would wear such a pretty dress, but I’m sure that I could come up with something.

Week 8 Weigh-In

Well, here I am at the 2 month mark! Wow, has it really been that long? It just amazes me that I haven’t balked at all during this time. During previous weight loss ventures I have struggled to get through a week. This just makes me very happy.

I think that one of the things that has made this so much easier for me is that I’ve still been able to eat out with my family. If they are having tacos, I can have them too. If they are having a hamburger, I can have one too. It’s all about making informed decisions. So, I haven’t felt like I’ve lost out on anything during this journey.

When I stepped on the scale this morning, it read a 2 lb. loss since last week. I had to fight real hard to get the scale to move, because it was being stubborn. By working hard, I mean that I had to eat more food, and I lifted heavier weights. lol Eating more seemed to shake things up a bit, and then the scale moved again for me.

I am so happy to have reached the mark of 20 lbs. gone. Yay! That means that I am more than halfway to my first goal. I *probably* won’t make it there by the time my dad gets married, but I think that it is very possible to make it there for my own wedding anniversary. After I get to that point, I may pick at a few pounds while working to figure out where my maintenance level will be for a little while. To me, it sounds like a good idea to dip my toes into the one-hundreds and then just hang out in that spot until after Christmas. I need the exercise in holding one weight, and it might help me get through the holidays. I could have a couple of cookies without getting bent out of shape, but I’ll also still be aware and working on *not* putting weight on. I don’t know- we’ll see.

Now that I am 20 lbs. lighter, all I can think about is the next five pounds. I don’t know how fast I’ll see them come off, especially with my increase in weight training. However, I’ll be real happy when I can put up a starfish next to my anchor. *grins* Five pounds seems like a small amount, something attainable. What I like the best is how those five pound losses add up to big change!

Week 7 Weigh-In

Wow, it is hard to believe that I’ve been doing this for almost two months now! Anyway, I stepped on the scale this morning, and I see that I have lost 1 lb. since I weighed in last week. It was a little disappointing to see such a small loss, since I’ve been working so hard. On the other hand, I have been working really hard. What I’m not seeing on the scale, I’m seeing in the mirror and feeling when I poke and prod my body parts. Today, I noticed that some of my hangy skin isn’t quite so hangy. I also noticed that I have biceps, and that they would be pretty darned sexy if they weren’t disguised by my loose arm fat that waves on the bottom. *chuckles* One day at a time though. One day at a time.

Today was also our first day of lifting weights, though we didn’t do much. Sis hurt herself somehow. She believes that she messed up her back/shoulder while carrying around her little Ladybug. So, she just did a wee bit on the bench-press machine. I was able to do three sets of 12. By the time that I was on my last set, I think I was up to 5 plates on the machine. It’s too bad that I have no idea how heavy the plates are. *grumpy eyebrows* That is one of the big reasons why I love free weights. However, hurting Sis would not made a very good spotter. Once I came home, I did a little bench press in the basement, lifting 50 lbs. on the bar.

Yup, we didn’t have a weight bench when I left the house. DH decided that he needed to build one. He did a good job! That will help me a whole lot. Of course, he will enjoy using it too. :)

Week 6 Weigh-In

This week, I am down by 1.5 pounds, which I am very happy for. I didn’t know if I’d be losing any weight this week, with my exercise schedule. I think that it helps me to have a couple of rest days before I weigh in. If I keep plugging away at this, I may see 20 pounds gone either next week, or the week after. That will be a happy day. Once I reach that number, then I am more than halfway to my first goal.

Week 5 Weigh-In

Alrighty, it looks as though I am minus another 2 pounds this week! So, all in all, I have lost 15.5 pounds since I started.

This morning, I was able to put on a new pair of pants, and that is a happy thing. I also have some new tops that look pretty cute. There is one top that I can’t wear just yet, but will look real nice after I am able to slim down my arms a little more.

Week 4 Weigh-In

Somehow, I’ve managed to lose 4.5 lbs. this week. I think that it may just be because I’ve been trying to get a little more exercise in. I have been trying to do some kind of exercise every day, and that has been primarily lifting weights. I did hop on my glider and “walk” for 30 minutes yesterday. My legs started feeling like mush, but I stopped before I had too much weakness in my knee. I didn’t want to fall down while heading back upstairs.

When I was standing in front of the mirror this morning, I noticed that my shoulders are standing out a little bit. I still have a lot of fat to come off of my arms, but I can see that I have some good budding musculature under the jiggle. My torso is looking longer, because I *believe* I am losing some of the abdominal fat that I put on. I just have this one little roll that seems so out of place. I should be used to seeing it by now, but I’ve never made peace with it since it settled there when I was struggling to learn how *not* to eat like a pregnant woman. I’ve heard that stress causes folks to put on belly fat, and maybe that was it. I was under HUGE stress, practically out of my mind. Now, it looks as though it is going to be nice and be one of the first areas to smooth out as I lose weight. (I’ve always been a hips & thighs kind of gal- plenty of junk in my trunk, no matter how trim or flabby.)

I am just so thankful to the Lord for helping me through this thing. For no reason that I can explain on my own, a sense of confident resolve came over me. I know that I can do this, whereas I’ve been feeling sorry for myself for a year and a half, resigned to being beaten by my own weight. One day, I just woke up and knew that it was the day, and that I could be successful. That has even survived through goof-ups with ice cream cones. It truly is amazing. Thanks Daddy!

Week 3 Weigh-In

Well, the numbers say that I am 1.5 lbs. lighter than I was last week. :) So, why am I not wonderfully happy about it? I must just be a hard girl to please, I think. I had hoped that this first ten pounds would come off much easier than this. I’m in too much of a hurry. *nods* That is what it is. I am expecting the weight just to fall off, but that probably wouldn’t be the best thing for me. One of the big lessons that I’m learning right now is how to eat right, and that I do have some will power. I’m not helpless when it comes to food.

I used to say before that I have no will power, but I’m seeing more and more that it isn’t true. For example, I could have used that excuse yesterday and had a little Snickers bar. Instead, I recognized that I didn’t really have a strong desire for chocolate- so it wouldn’t make a wise snack decision. I had a sugar-free hard candy instead. Instead of 70 calories, I had 5. It’s not even that there is anything wrong with having the little candy bar. However, why eat something higher in calories just to eat something? If I just want something in my mouth, I could have a cup of tea or a sugar free treat. If I want a little something to occupy my stomach, I can always have a yummy romaine salad with light ranch and Parmesan. It is just a matter of picking the right kind of food for what I feel I truly need. Last evening, I needed some protein. So, I mixed a can of tuna into my salad. It was good stuff.

So, while the weight isn’t melting away in this heat, maybe that is a good thing. If I have to fight harder for every pound to come off, maybe I’ll guard my weight better when I am more slender.

Week 2 Weigh-In

Ok, so the scale says that I am 1.5 lbs. lighter than I was at my weigh-in last week. I think that it is being kind to me. *laughs* I did a horrible thing by sitting down with a bag of chocolate covered pretzels last night while watching the hockey game. Eating the pretzels wasn’t such a big deal, but I unknowingly mow through food when I become agitated, and I certainly was last night. So, I am sure that I ate more than I should have, and probably more than I actually wanted. I love to watch hockey, but it is such a fast-paced game that I get all excited… which isn’t a good time to be nibbling.

Anyway, I did drink quite a bit of water yesterday, so maybe that helped. I don’t generally eat too many calories for my size (when “dieting”), but the foods that I crave for snacks tend to be the kind that have too much salt or sugar- leading to water retention. I blow up like a balloon if I don’t drink enough water. So, food choices are pretty big for me if I want to lose some weight. During the next hockey game, maybe I’ll chew on some crushed ice cubes instead of pretzels. lol

Week 1 Weigh-In

Weight Change: -6 lbs.

I know that a lot of that weight is probably water, but I am happy about it anyway. I am just happy to be nearly at my first goal weight, which is - not a liar. Isn’t that a funny weight? *laughs* In two more pounds, I will be the weight that I told my doctor I am. That will feel really great!

Let me see, that puts me with ….. 33 lbs. until I reach my main weight goal. This feels weird to say, but I hope that the weight comes off quickly, not so that I can be thinner, but so I can start learning how to maintain a steady weight. I’m not sure that I’ve ever done that as an adult. It seems that I’ve either been working to lose weight, or gaining weight. I’d like to get to a point where I have lost enough weight that I feel content at sitting there for a while and getting a handle on how to eat during maintenance.

Now, this main goal isn’t skinny or anything. Quite frankly, it is just getting me back to where I was before I became pregnant with Ezzie, and then went nutty when he died. It was hard to concentrate on watching what I ate when everyone around me began getting pregnant and having babies. The more I hurt, the less will I had to take care of myself. I knew that I was hurting me, but I wasn’t ready to deal with it. I’m glad that I’m there now. Goodness, I have been able to hold my sister’s new little baby for hours, and not feel bad about it at all. I don’t hurt, and I don’t long. I just kind of - am.

Anyway, once I get some of this spare tire off of my middle, I will be content to just hang out and learn how to maintain for a while. Ideally, I would love to reach that point by September. Then I would like to just maintain my weight until … probably February or so. That would be 5 months of learning what I can eat, and how much. Then I believe I would be prepared to work towards knocking off about 20 pounds. From there, I could probably be content to linger at that weight indefinitely. I’m not sure that it means enough to me to try and get down to my high school weight/shape. If it does become more important to me, I can work on losing again after a few months of maintaining my weight again.

Main Goal Time: 13 weeks (ish)
Needed Loss: 2.5 lbs. per week to meet goal in time

Since I have a decent amount of weight to lose, I don’t think it will be too hard to lose 2.5 lbs. per week. I’ve been here before, and I know that my body really wants to be at a lighter weight. If I am predictable at all, I will begin to slow down near that secondary goal of 20 lbs. to lose. For me, losing the weight has never really been the battle. Not gaining it back- that is where I have the most to learn and fight for.