Current Happenings

Saturday, August 30, 2008

A Victory of Sorts

I feel a little bit like I've been tortured with a thousand cuts, but I've survived the night. I consider it a victory of sorts, because I didn't stuff myself full of bad food during such a stressful time. When my uncle stood up for his speech and said that my dad ran off and made a lot of mistakes, but now he was making the "right" decision by marrying #2, it pretty much killed any appetite that I might have otherwise had. It's hard to want to eat when it sounds like someone is saying, in front of all your family, that your dad made a mistake by marrying your mom.

For as much as it killed my pride, I started crying a little. As soon as the speech and dinner prayer was over, I excused myself and walked outside. Yay me. Instead of eating myself a few pounds heavier, I sat on a curb and started praying. I love my dad, which is the only reason why I would choke back the bile and attend the wedding. It's pretty hard to listen to him, and everyone else, talk about how God put them together, blah, blah, blah. Quite frankly, I think it is more reasonable to think that maybe God would have instead wanted my dad to honor the vows that he made to my mom and the Lord himself when they got married.

Anyway, I did drink some of my calories. I had a couple of drinks, but they were mostly orange juice. Other than that, I probably drank a pot of coffee throughout the rest of the evening. I had a piece of cake and a very small portion of something that was supposed to be sherbet. It felt more like an ice cream to me. I guess that took up the caloric allotment the I would have used up on my chicken, if I had eaten it. I ate a little fettucini, a couple "branches" of broccoli, and a few small nibbles of mashed potato. I guess I ate more broccoli than anything else. Like I said, eating was a chore at the time. I probably wouldn't have eaten at all, except that I might have had to listen to griping about it. Many of my relatives have already expressed their displeasure with how "unsupportive" I am of my dad's relationship, because they expect that I should be overcome with joy or something. I've never done or said anything that was rude, but it isn't enough for some folks. I don't know why they care what my personal feelings are anyway. I shouldn't have to paste on a smile just to make them feel good.

I didn't drink much water today, so I may not be wonderfully happy with the scale in the morning. I'm not sure that I care though. I could use a time of fasting and prayer tomorrow, and that always gives me plenty of fluids. Even if all I do is sit and soak in the presence of God, that will be a blessing to me. I think that right now, I don't need words. He knows what is going on in my heart, especially the things that I can't express with words. As I sat on that curb, I just asked Him to be with me and bring comfort. He is my ever-faithful Father, and He never leaves me. I am very thankful for that right now, and am in even greater need for a hug from "Daddy". When my fleshly father is happy to make a new family and move away, even requests a song that talks about leaving "baggage" behind while moving to Georgia, at least Abba Father is here with me. I never have to hunt Him down, and He never stands me up.