Current Happenings

Monday, October 27, 2008

My Major Malfunction

I'm still trying to figure out what my major malfunction is. I have been lazy with my eating. Today hasn't been horrible, but the weekend wasn't the kind that puts a smile on my face. It makes me sad, but the closer I get to my anniversary, the more weight I "nickel and dime" onto my body. I guess it is a good thing that my anniversary is tomorrow!

I think that the problem for me is that I am anxious. This is never anything that I should be upset about, but my husband is not easy to do for. There never seems to be the right thing to do, place to go, or gift to buy. He is always so 'ho-hum' about everything, not really seeming to be particularly excited or pleased by anything that I choose to do or get for him. So, I tend to agonize a bit over it all, but with a sense of impending doom that I'm some kind of bad gift-giver. Enter the stress eating. Eeeee! It makes me crazy.

The really hard part to stomach, aside from gaining weight, is that my husband is a very generous and loving man. I am frustrated that this should seem like a hard thing, because he'd never look or sound disappointed. I just feel lacking because I can't seem to put a huge smile on his face, and I would feel ashamed if I got him something simple and he got me something big. He enjoys being the "better" gift-giver, and prides himself on how much he thinks these things through. I just wish that I didn't feel like the not-so-great gift-giver, because it means a lot to me that we (our family) have happy and adventurous times together... plus a few memorable gifts.

Goodness, well that is a whole bunch of rambling hoo-ha to say that I feel inadequate, and it isn't anyone else's fault. So, I get nervous and start nibbling all of the time, trying to find some way to calm myself down. I know by now that it doesn't work, at at least I am able to sit here and identify what is going on. I guess that is the biggest part- knowing why I do the crazy things that I do.

It's being in a position of frustrated confusion that bothers me the most. There is something so freeing in just knowing WHY I would mess up and eat a bunch of junk when I don't *really* want to. Sometimes I feel like my left hand is clamped tight over my mouth, and my eyes are bulging with panic as my right hand is trying to squash food through my fingers and into my mouth. I really hate doing what I don't want to do. That's kind of funny, since I just read Paul's words about that in the book of Romans, and how he felt the same way. I guess in this instance, it really is my FLESH that is rebelling and fighting me like crazy when my spirit just wants to take a deep breath and talk with Father about it all. Whether it is something silly and fluffy like gift-giving anxiety or real painful sorrow over losing loved ones, I still cope with stress in a terrible way. Eating is a bad coping mechanism, especially when my spirit is bucking within me and telling me to stop hurting myself just because I'm worked up.

This is a pretty big thing, so I think that I need to go off and think on it some more. I already know what my bible says, but I'll read through the familiar words a few more times, and sit queitly to talk with Father. I can only think that one of these times something is going to click, and the struggle won't be quite as hard as it has been over these last 9 years. I anticipate that I'll always struggle to find the right way to make peace with my trials, but I know that there has got to be some relief too. Even if I have to pull this along with me through life on this side of heaven, it can't be all up-hill all of the time.