Current Happenings

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Spinning Wheels, Making Ruts

I've been hanging out at the same basic weight for a little while now. I wish that I could place the blame on some unexplained body happening, or whatever, but I know that the problem is me. I am eating too much junk. I shouldn't do it, but I do.

It dawns on me that I'm not being particularly "good" with my eating when I start avoiding my food scale. I don't want to know just how much is in that portion, because then I might feel obligated to put some of it back. Aw. I know better than that! So, I've been keeping better track of my foods, trying to eat "better", and exercise more. I'm not gaining weight, thankfully. Instead, I'm just spinning my wheels and making a rut for me to sit in.

I want to keep moving downward, but I guess that means that I have to want that lower number more than I want pumpkin flavored ice cream. I have to want it enough that I don't eat just because other people are eating. So, I guess this means that I have to make up my mind whether I am happy at sitting at this weight, or whether I would like to keep moving my weight downward.

I am resolved to doing the latter. I want to enjoy my better health, and increase it even more. I am happy that I was able to go to the zoo with my family, and spend five hours walking in the heat. I think that it would be just as wonderful to be able to do more ambitious things also, like play volleyball or teach my daughter how to play kickball. Every pound that I lose off of my frame is another pound that isn't grinding my knees into mush. I know that they will always hurt, but they don't need the added punishment of carrying around this unnecessary extra weight. I want that to mean more to me than some tortilla chips.

I don't want to beat myself up, because I'm not doing a bad job with losing weight. I guess I'm just not used to going through these small steps, and the lessons that come with them. When I've lost weight before, it was through starvation and obsessive exercise. I want things to be slow and steady right now, so I can learn how to live a better life. I am just frustrated in knowing that I could be a few pounds lighter right now, if I didn't sabotage myself one little bite at a time. I can do this thing. I just need to clear my head a little bit, and focus on the next pound. Just one. I'll take care of the rest of them in their own time.