I had a rough night last night. I think that it was because I ate some ground turkey, and while not unhealthy, it had more fat in it than the foods that I have been eating lately. So, it bothered my insides, causing me a lot of discomfort last night. Once my insides started to feel a little better, I went to bed, was was oddly ravenous. I think that maybe the consequences of my intestinal upset were hard on my body, and it wanted a little bit more nourishment to get by. So, I joined my husband in the kitchen, and I had a tablespoon of peanut butter. It was just enough to make me comfortable so I could sleep.
This morning, the scale moved again. It had been hanging in the same spot for a few days, and it finally came down a little. I've now managed to lose over 40 lbs. in all. That makes me very happy. My main focus is on the 50 lb. mark though. I don't know why that is. It may just be because that puts me into the 100's. I am so looking forward to that day.
The closer I get to that threshold, the more excited I get. To be honest, I've just been looking forward to the day when some of my family members will stop using me as a weight/shape measure. I know that they don't mean to be hurtful, but it is hard to listen to people make comments about they feel sorry for me because my upper body slims down and it just makes my lower body look even bigger. It is hard to hear anyone measure themselves against how I look, and to hear anyone panic and get teary-eyed because their weight is near mine. I was told the other day that one person thought that they were doing pretty good with their own weight, because of the way that they carry it- until they found out that only a few pounds separate us in weight. *sigh* I hate to feel as though people that I care about use me as a measure, something like, "Hey, I'm not doing so bad as long as I'm not as big/heavy as Squishy."
I think that some of these thoughts have brought out feelings in me that has pushed me toward staying heavy. I don't like it when what I do becomes some kind of competition. I don't want anyone to start heavy dieting because they can't bear the idea of me weighing less than they do. It's like they have to "beat" me and always be just under me, or the shame might somehow be unbearable. It's more than a little humiliating. In trying to avoid this kind of situation, I allowed myself to just be a kind of jolly fat woman. I take care of everyone, as much as I can. I try to be happy and understanding of everyone's needs. I guess I figured that if I was as loving and giving as I could be, folks would really see me and not the squishiness. It apparently doesn't work quite like that. They still see the fat, and no matter how much I try to do for them, they don't understand what a kindness it would be to me for them to not say negative things about the shape of my body. I have been trying so hard, and those comments make me so sad. They can say how pretty my face is all day long, but one comment about how very large my butt is- that tends to be a real downer.
Oh, that is enough of all the gloomy-gus sort of stuff. *smiles* It is a very happy day today. 206.5 is a new low for me this year. I haven't seen this weight in around 6 years or so. I am so very close to being out of the 200's, I can practically taste it. I think it tastes like a turkey hotdog. *laughs* (I've been smelling phantom hotdogs lately. It's funny!) I look forward to being in the 100's when we ring in the New Year. That would be so exciting!! My next big goal after that will be to hit 184 lbs. , which is as low as I have ever gotten my weight since beginning to have children. I was doing so great, and then we made a difficult move and lived with some of DH's family for a while, and the stress added back a lot of weight. It will be so nice to work it back off again. At 184, I will be so close to my happy weight. I am hoping to settle in somewhere between 150-175. I don't know where I'll end up, but that is alright. My goal is to live within that weight range for the rest of my life.
Well, tonight is going to be a gym night. I just want to hike the treadmill a bit and lift some weights. I don't want to do anything terribly strenuous, just enough to strengthen my muscles and sweat a bit. We'll see how it goes when I get there.
Here is my basic meal plan for the day. I may move some things around a little. I made it last night so I would have an idea of what I'm doing before the morning, but I think that I need to increase my calories if I plan to go to the gym tonight. This is my basic plan though.