Current Happenings

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Favorite Foods

I'm going to make a list here of some of my favorite foods. It may seem a little odd, but since I cycle through food choices, sometimes I forget what I really enjoyed and don't make it any more. Hopefully, I will be able to update this list frequently, and then organize it into my own special meal planner (or something like it).

Fave Snacks:
Wasa crisps & hommus (30 g) 75 calories
Dove dark chocolate (1 piece) 42 calories
Mozzarella cheese stick (1 stick) 80 calories

Peanut Butter Crunch Oatmeal
20 g. oats
2 T Splenda
10 g. peanut butter
8 g. crushed peanuts (dry roasted)
4+ oz. water (to suit)
183 calories

Chocolate Walnut Oatmeal (rich recipe)
20 g. oats
2 T cocoa powder
1.5 T Spenda
1 tsp. sugar*
10 g. crushed walnuts
10 g. margarine *
*optional ingredients
224 calories (light version 154 calories)

Yummy Cabbage
1 - 1.5 head green cabbage
2 oz. canned corned beef
1 can FF chicken broth
Garlic powder
Boil corned beef with about 6 oz. of water until fat starts to render. Slowly add in cabbage, and carefully work to coat. Add chicken broth and season. Boil covered until tender, gently turning cabbage in pot to promote more even cooking.
Approx. 60 calories per 6 oz. serving

Meal Ideas:
Sloppy Joe (1/4 c.) with diced chicken breast (59 g) 238 calories

Fave Vegetables:
Yellow Summer Squash (w/garlic salt, pepper, & paprika)
Mashed Cauliflower

Happy New Year

(Look! New picture! See my Christmas tree?)
My husband and I haven't received any invites for New Year's parties this time around, so we are looking at the prospect of spending the evening in the comfort of our own home. Since I can't remember when the last time that such an event occurred, it actually sounds like a wonderful thing. *laughs*

There are certainly some benefits of having a private party at home. First, we don't have to drive back home after midnight, hoping that we don't run into the people who have been partying all day. Rather, we spend that time hoping that they don't run into us... with a car.

Secondly, I am relieved to say that I can snack on safe foods at home, without worrying about falling victim to T's way-too-good bean dip. That stuff is much wonderfulness, but will not make my butt any smaller. At home, I can eat all the raw vegetables and popcorn that I want, without feeling funky. In order for me to avoid junk food at parties, I have to have a constant stream of vegetables into my face, and that probably looks crazy to general observers. When I'm eating my vegetation, all I can think is, "Chew, chew like the moo cows do!" I'd rather have my weirdo food moments in the confines of my own home, where fewer people are apt to notice.

I think that the best thing about having a private party is that you don't have to worry about public displays of affection once the ball finishes it's drop. Quite frankly, we can smooch as much as we want. The possibilities are quite interesting. Yay for staying home! *wiggles eyebrows*

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Hanging In

I'm hanging in, and hanging on. I thought that I was going to swallow my own head when I took my weight after our Christmas party on Sunday. Goodness. I had a huge jump, more than I had expected. I just kind of stared at the scale with disgust and then put it out of my mind. For as much as I enjoy ham, I've got to stop eating it, at least for a little while. I'm going to freeze our leftovers. We're going to get burned out on the stuff if I don't put it away, so it's all good. Maybe it wouldn't hit me so hard if I were to soak the ham in a water bath overnight, but I don't know if that would help the sodium levels at all. All I do know is that I swelled up like an overfilled water balloon. I'm back to normal today though. I had to pick my jaw up, having seen a 4 lb. drop in weight overnight. Maybe I should try my skinny jeans on again and see if they feel any better now. *lol*

I've been hungrier than usual today, because my day started earlier. I nibbled on some popcorn to help get me through the rough part of the day. It was difficult to do the grocery shopping because I started to get too hungry. Thankfully, we still had leftovers from our Sunday dinner to eat.

It's nearly 8 o'clock, and I've gotten my foods out of the way. I have a serving of peanuts that I can have sometime before I go to bed, just so I can sleep tonight. I've upped my calories a little today, since I've been going for longer today. I normally eat around 1,200 and I am logging in at 1,400 today. I know that is still pretty low for some folks. The day is catching up with me though, and I don't feel motivated to eat anything more. I just want a hot bath and a nice warm bed. I think that I'll take a book into the bath, and try not to fall asleep in there. *S*

I'm a little disappointed that I didn't make the 10 lbs. by New Years, particularly because I was so close. Still, I know exactly why I didn't make it, and I'm owning my own decisions. I wanted to eat the ham and the fudge. I wanted cookies and candies. Because I wanted them more than I wanted the weight loss, I got them instead of the weight loss. Now that I've had my fill of that stuff, I don't want it anymore. It's amazing how quickly I burn out on that fluff and no long find it so appealing. NOW I want the weight loss more than I want the junk. So, now I will begin to see the scale move downward again. I guess the big deal is to change the condition of my mind so that I want the loss more than I want the junk food, on a more regular basis. I'm doing pretty good, but there is certainly room for improvement also. I'll think on it more later. The bath is calling.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Squashed Squishy Again

Ugh, I feel like ick this morning! I don't know what is going on, but I feel like garbage. I ate well and drank my water yesterday, but I didn't see much change on the scale this morning. That is very strange. My body is normally pretty predictable, but it wasn't happy with the Christmas eating, I suppose. My guts hurt, and that is the most bothersome thing. Hopefully I will be as right as rain after a couple cups of strong coffee.

DH put up the "Perfect Pullup" that I bought him for Christmas. I'm going to give it a try today, after I get the lion's share of my work done around the house. It would be too hard to do deep cleaning if I can't lift my arms. *lol* DH tried it out yesterday though, and he is really excited about it. He's going to use their suggested workout sheet to gradually build his strength. I'm going to need a lot longer to exercise before I can even do one regular pullup. As I told him, he has more muscle mass in his upper body, and I've got a lot more weight in my lower body. *lol* I don't have enough muscles to move all of my own body weight without tearing something in my shoulders. If I'm diligent in exercising with it though, I should be able to do at least a few pullups once I lose enough weight that my girlie muscles can lift it.

I ate about 1,102 calories yesterday, so I was a little low. I didn't feel all that well though. I did eat frequently though, as I know I need to. I just didn't eat a large quantity of food. I feel too clogged up for that sort of thing. My guts feel tired, like I shouldn't eat for a week. However, my head doesn't feel the same way. If I go more than 3-4 hours without eating something, my brain gets fuzzy and I start to get that gross feel that comes over me when riding a fast elevator. It's like my vision gets dark and fuzzy, and my stomach takes up residence in my shoes. From time to time, I wonder if it wouldn't be a good idea to borrow my sister's blood-sugar monitor, just to see what is going on with me throughout the day. The only thing that has kept me from asking is laziness, and not knowing what kind of lancets and strips go with the thing.

Since I've begun changing my diet, I've noticed that I am a lot more sensitive to things. I figure that is a good thing. I probably wasn't made to live in a sugar haze all of the time. The first tip-off should have been that sick feeling, and the packing on of weight. So, I don't eat much sugar now. I have some snacks that have some sugar in them, like my yogurt. I get the Light & Fit yogurt that only has 80 calories, so it's not a huge amount of sugar or anything. I know that some folks frown on sweeteners, but I use Splenda in my coffee. It allows me to have something sweet, and I don't feel sick when using it. If I have a cup of coffee with some sugar in it though, it makes me feel awful. I was reminded about why I steer clear of sugar, because Christmas fudge, cookies, and sugar-sweetened coffee made me feel like I was either going to be sick, or my head was going to pop off. I'm feeling better now, but not 100%. Maybe I'll be back to normal come tomorrow.

I am learning some lessons though! I can have the chips and bean dip, and that is fine. However, I should not eat the sweets. Ham rollups are wonderful, but I shouldn't have any cookies. Fatty things will make me feel fully, and that is alright so long as I stop eating when I feel full (not bursting!).

Since I am cooking a dinner tomorrow for an after-Christmas party (get to see my niece and nephew), I'm going to keep all of these dietary things in mind and just cook a clean and healthy meal. Grandma thinks that I should make a dessert, and maybe I will. I just want to make it a healthier one. I can make a shortcake with angelfood cake and sugar-free ingredients, and that would be much lighter all around. The kids would like it too. I'm even roasting a chicken for Sis and myself, so we don't have to eat ham with the menfolk. It will all work out well, I am sure. The best part is that I can control my food at home, so I'll get the exercise of hosting a party, and yet not gain weight. Yay!

Friday, December 26, 2008

On the Second Day of Christmas....

Oh boy, did I take the cake yesterday! Ok, I not only took the cake (it was lemon), but I also had a glass of wine with it too! *laughs* I think that is the first glass of wine that I've ever actually finished, let alone enjoyed. Apparently I like a dry red wine. I never knew.

I snacked a lot yesterday, but mainly because our Christmas plans were rather in shambles. Papa has been in the hospital, so I spent Christmas Eve there. I ate a serving of Twizzlers, a hand-full of pistachios, and half of a chicken ranch sandwich from Dominos. Considering the stress factor of spending a number of hours at the hospital and then going to church for midnight worship, I think that I got off pretty well. Then, there was bean dip, cookies, and fudge while waiting to find out whether there would be an actual dinner on Christmas day. I didn't eat a huge amount, but I did have a couple pieces of fudge. Wow, that stuff is yummy but kicks the crap out of me. I love it, and it hates me. I just can't have the sugar, even though I want the peanut butter fudge.

We never did have a meal at my in-laws, though they eventually were able to get everything worked out. It was time to go to my sister's hosue by then, and she had dinner there. I didn't over-eat at dinner, but they were foods that I don't tend to eat. I had ham, which is rare for me. It's just such a calorically dense meat, and usually pumped full of salt. I loved the broccoli casserole though, and didn't feel bad about eating it. I haven't had any of that in a LONG time. I made a point to eat some salad, and I drank water with my meal. I think that I ate about 3 cookies, one piece of fudge, and that cake with wine. All in all, I certainly ate more than my body needed. Now I'm paying for it!

I didn't get to sleep until around 2 a.m., which makes for about three solid days of bad sleep and an ever-present headache. Even my teeth were hurting today. My stomach was upset last night, and continued to be upset today. It's just a lingering feeling of ick. I've been very easy on it though, drinking a half cup fo coffee, which generally settles my stomach. It didn't work, so I moved on to drinking plenty of water. I've also kept my calories a little low today, and am steering clear of anything with sugar in it. I want to get back to my normal dietary habits as quickly as possible.

Though I didn't want to do it, I did step on the scale today. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. After a few days of getting better rest and eating healthful foods, I should be feeling more like myself. I'm already feeling a little less bloated, though I can tell that my system is still freaking out. I've felt like my blood sugar was 'off' a bit today, but hopefully that feeling won't last long. I just need to keep eating healthy snacks every so often, and be sure not to go too long between them. I've got three pounds to flush from my body, thanks to my day of over-indulgence. Now I can get back to the business of doing what I do every day. It's actually a welcome and relaxing prospect.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Le Sigh

I've been doing everything correctly, but the scale isn't moving. It is shunning me for some reason. My calories aren't too high, nor too low. I drink lots of fluids, though I should probably try drinking more straight water. Instead of my weight going down though, it was up by a pound today. Weird.

Oh well. Worse things have happened. Physically, I am feeling pretty darned good. I put on some new jeans that had felt too snug to be comfortable when I bought them. They fit really well and were quite comfortable. I can't be doing all that bad. The scale just isn't showing me love at the moment.

This is the time when I feel that I am in the most danger of going "off plan" and eating like a crazy thing. A part of me says, "I'm not seeing the results anyway! I might as well enjoy myself!" Of course, I don't actually enjoy myself. I just eat too much junk, feel bad, and gain weight. Since I know that so well, I'm not even going to bother running through the whole scenario today. I'm just going to eat my healthy foods, drink lots of water, enjoy my coffee, and get stuff done. Whatever my weight does, it just does. If my scale doesn't want to like me today, that's it's own prerogative. *laughs* We can kiss and make up another day, when it is ready to speak civilly to me. In the meantime, I'm not going to miss it. Hehe...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Ah, The Week of Christmas!

I've abstained from cookies, and I've been eating a very reasonable diet. Yay for me! My vegetables have been a little more bland in color, but that is winter around here. Since I don't have a lot of money, I have to buy whatever is in season, and nothing is really 'in season' when it's snowing. *laughs* So, I'm eating more cold weather vegetables while trying to moderate my intake of starchy vegetables. I've been indulging in more potatoes, but I'm very careful to weigh my portions. My Irish blood just loves a good potato. Since it's not good for this gal to live on potatoes alone, I am generally eating green beans, cauliflower, yellow squash, and cabbage. I have some peas or beets from time to time, but not often. Maybe I should try harder to find red and orange foods. I don't know.

It's the beginning of a new week, and I'm feeling pretty darned good. I'm wearing new jeans, and yet I can pull them right off without unbuttoning them. Hopefully that means that they will wash well, since they are brand new. The first 3 washes or so are very important, I've noticed. Anyway, it's wonderful to have more jeans, especially ones that fit nicely. I'm really liking the new sizing at Lane Bryant, though I won't be able to take advantage of it for too long. I wear a red size 2, and that doesn't leave me much room to shed weight before I'm out of their product line. Supposedly they have a size "0", but I didn't see any in the store.

Having nice, new clothes is going to help me out a lot this week. Who wants to overindulge in Christmas cookies and the like while wearing smaller clothing? I'm all for NOT forcing myself out of my new jeans, just to have some pie or cookies. I like my pants better than the food, at least today. *chuckles* Maybe I'll feel differently on Christmas day. That, however, is just one day on the calendar. So long as I don't turn into a raving lunatic on Christmas, I shouldn't have any problem wearing my pants the next day. Thankfully, my decreased food intake keeps the lunacy away by making me feel sick if I eat more than a small serving of anything.

I only have a few more days left until everyone's attention turns from food to working off all of the food that they've eaten! *laughs* It's funny to feel happy about that, but I am. I like feeling as though the people around me are on the same page as myself. Life is easier when I have company in eating healthy and getting more exercise. It tends to be lonely when I feel like I'm the only gal around who has to be so careful and serious about what she eats. But, my better habits have earned me lots of nice things, like smaller jeans, tops that don't have an "x" in the size, and my size 6 wedding band. The only bad thing about having company in losing weight is that I have too much company at the gym. *wink*

I am a selfish gym-goer. I know this about myself. I don't like to wait on machines because it gives my heartrate a chance to slow, and for my muscles to get cold. There were times at the girly-gym that I'd had to wait 20 minutes for a bike or treadmill. That is the reason why I've enjoyed the manly-gym so much more. While they don't have a pool, hot tub, or sauna room- they do have a bank of treadmills and bikes that is sufficient. I've only had to wait more than 10 minutes for a treamill a couple of times, and so I used the bikes instead. There is always *something* available. I've never had to wait on weights at all, and that makes me happy. I'm not sure what it's going to look like through January and February though. I may have to buck the trend and exercise at home for the first months of the year, just so I don't become frustrated. It will be easier at home though! I got my husband a really cool Christmas present, and I'll tell you about it in a few days. We can both use it, and it will increase the buffness of my bod.

In the meantime, I guess I am using snow removal for exercise. My Papa was fussing at me on the phone last night. I could hear his finger wagging through the phone as he scolded me and told me that I'm not too young for a heart attack. I'm not sure that anyone is too young for a heart attack, not really. But, I did reassure him that I am careful and haven't been pushing myself too hard. I exercise regularly enough to know how I am feeling, and when I need to rest. I don't push myself too hard with the snow, primarily because I don't want to hurt my back. This snow is heavy right now. Since moving the snow is such heavy work, I've noticed that the scale has stopped moving in accordance with how much my muscles have been moving. This always happens.

I watch "The Biggest Loser", and I wonder how those people do it. They are exercising hard every day and lifting weights like mad, and the scale still moves. For me, the scale refuses to budge until I've given my body a chance to stop and recover for a couple of days. I'll get a good 'whoosh' of weight loss, but it won't come until I stop driving myself so hard. I two solid days of rest and lots of water, and then I start seeing the results of my hard work. I guess that tomorrow and Tuesday will have to be my days of relative rest, because I've got to go shovel more snow today. I'm glad that we didn't get as much as we had a couple days ago, because my arms and shoulders are tired. DH wanted me to use the pole-sander yesterday, to work on the drywall, and I could only do it a little bit. I had to leave the ceiling for him, and I lasted about 5 minutes on the wall before my hands were shaking too badly to continue. I'm feeling better today, but I know that my strength hasn't fully returned. I'm probably hanging around 60% of my normal strength.

*sigh* All I want are 3 lbs. gone. Three pounds. Maybe if I push myself real hard this week, I can make that happen. I just don't know though. My body isn't that predictable. That also might put my focus off. I don't want to be so focused on the number on the scale. Man, this is a big goal for me though, and I want it pretty bad. I guess the important thing though is that I remember that this isn't so much the end of a year as it is just another month in my life. Just so long as I keep doing what I'm doing, I'm going to get where I want to be, and the date shouldn't matter so much.

Oh Running, I Miss You!

I was reading the blog of a runner this morning, and it has me all sad-puppy-eyed over running. *sigh* I wish that I could really run again. I've never been truly good at running, not for racing and things like that. I never ran races, just ran for fitness while rowing and beyond. Sure, I run for my mile time now and again, but it's nothing like what I used to be able to do. It was very common that I'd slip into some comfortable clothes and go running as the sun came up. It was beautiful. I would run the 3 miles to the park, and then turn around and run home. It was so nice to see the sky light up with such brilliant colors, and to be out and running before everyone else shook the cobwebs out of their heads.

It's useless to pine over something that isn't good for me though. I really should know better than that. I've got to treat the running like I do chocolate. I can have a little, but too much is bad for my health. I can't just wish that my bones were straight, or that running would miraculously not hurt. All the wishing in the world won't keep me from swelling up and then limping for a week. So, I'm going to just continue putzing along, running just a little bit. Once Pumpkin starts attending public school, maybe I'll take the opportunity to run in the mornings again, just a little bit every few days. There is a park nearby that has a walking/jogging trail that is marked with distances, and I could walk or jog there after dropping Pumpkin off at school. Since my nephew is ready to begin pre-school, I might be able to talk my sister into meeting me there on weekdays.

When I get down to a lighter weight, which should be easier for my knees to carry, maybe I could try a 5k walk/run. I can't do that often, like many other people do, but I'd like to try it once.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


Lyn, over at Escape From Obesity, is talking about baking in 'Cookies Don't Define Me'. Boy can I relate! I used to bake a LOT. Then again, I was cooking a lot too. I don't do that on such a large scale any more.

Not having much money motivated me to bake a lot from scratch. My favorite cookbook has such great recipes for making various scones, cakes, biscuits, cookies, and various entrees. Whenever we needed a little something extra for a meal, it was no hardship to bake some bread or make some biscuits. Making biscuits was one of the activities that Pumpkin and I did together a lot. I think that I found that so comforting because I used to make biscuits with my grandma.

Whenever the neighbor would be a sweetheart and help me clear the snow, I would hurry over with some fresh cookies, or maybe some banana bread. Whatever I was making that day, they would get some. The neighbors used to make little jokes about how I was going to make them fat, and so it caused me to think. Hey, I was making myself more than a little fatty with all of the baked goods. Like Lyn, I can't be around cookies. Hot cookies, fresh from the oven, they are an awful weakness for me. Ok, I can't handle hot bread from the oven either. I just want to smear butter on it and eat it while it is still steaming. It's warm and comforting, but doesn't cause my pants to fit any better, you know? So, I had to give these things up.

It has been a little difficult for me, surrendering any idea that I'm some Grand Poobah of the kitchen. I know how to cook, and I do it pretty well. I can roast a turkey that would make your toes curl. The difference is that as time goes by, I don't want there to be a big focus on the food. I want to eat because it is necessary to live. I want to indulge in the ocassional calorie dense treat, just because it is rich and lovely. I want the bulk of our eating as a family to be healthy, nutritous fuel. It's main purpose should be that it provides the needed nutrients to sustain health and vitality, with the side benefit of not tasting like cardboard. *laughs* There are so many other things that I would rather us be immersed in, and none of them is a mindset that mealtimes are an activity in and of itself. Meals should be the things that make it possible for us to go bowling, sledding, biking, or even just for a walk through the neighborhood. When daily meals are fuel, then true feasts have a more generous and abundant feeling, and aren't apt to leave one overweight and unhappy. That is what I want. I don't get there by baking loads of cookies and banana bread.

Accountability Pictures

December 2008


January 2009

February 2009

Recession + Winter= Me Shoveling The Street

I had a big breakfast today. DH took us to Arthur's, and they have grits. I love grits. I love them, love them, love them. I'm a Yankee though, so I take mine with butter and Splenda. Normally I would say sugar, but I don't use it that often any more. It turns me into a crazy monster. I don't feel that way with the artificial sweeteners though. Anyway, to the best of my calculations, breakfast logged in at a whopping 657 calories. That's more than I generally eat for half of the day, but it was more of a brunch and will actually last me half the day... maybe.

Though I ate calorie-dense foods this morning, I also went outside and shoveled horrifically heavy snow this afternoon. DH says that I was out there for about 30 minutes or more, but it felt like a couple of hours. Man, that stuff is packed and icy today. I got our walks all done yesterday, but today I took it upon myself to try and clean up my little corner of the street. I cleaned up our path from the sidewalk, across the grass, to where we park the car. I cleared a spot big enough for us to stand and actually open said car doors. Then I cleaned up the street a bit, so we could find a general approximation of the curb. Lastly, I started moving snow out of the intersection. That was a heinous job.

It looks as though we will not be getting plows this winter, thanks to the lack of funds around these parts. So, the streets are a mess. Our car has done alright, but my uncle and neighbor both had to be pushed out yesterday. Today, I started clearing snow from the curb and tossing it on the grass-is-somewhere-here area. Then, I could use the big metal shovel to push snow from the street into the newly cleared area at the curb, and then start over again. I was watching the cars, and it didn't look like anyone was burning up their tires or fishtailing at the corner anymore. It's still messy, but the rest will have to wait until after the snow comes down tomorrow. I might have another try at it with the snow blower then. I tell ya, all of this makes me wish that I had a 4-wheeler with a plow. I could clear the whole driveway, the corner, and the worst of what my neighbors and I are dealing with.

After looking at estimations for calories burned by shoveling horrific snow, I seem to come in at burning about half of my breakfast. That's pretty cool stuff! I'm not shoveling in order to burn calories, but it is a pretty groovy benefit nonetheless. More than anything, I guess I'm probably shoveling snow to keep myself occupied. I'm a little sad today because my Grandma Edith passed away this morning. I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I used to when I was a child, but I've always had a lot of love for her. She just sewed a couple of dresses for my daughter, for Christmas. I don't feel bad for Grandma Edith, because I know that she was a sister in Christ. I bet that she is wondrously happy right now, not only being united with the Lord, but also seeing her husband again. I grieve for my Papa though, because he will miss his mama a great deal. So, I'm crying a little bit today, and it's ok. I just hurt when other people hurt, especially those that I love so much. Grandma Edith lived to the generous age of 98, and I've been very blessed to know her so long. Not many people can say that they reached adulthood and had any relationship with their great-grandparents. I also have my Great-Grandma Mary, my Grandma Nancy's mama, who is still alive. She lives in Florida now though. I used to go and spend nights with her, back when she was a bit younger and able to be more independent.

Though I'm having a little bit of a gloomy day, I'm encouraged my the distict lack of desire that I have to stuff my face. I'm learning that while I tend to be a nervous eater, I do alright just so long as I eat only when I'm feeling calm. So long as there isn't food in my hand, or sitting close by, I'm fine when I'm emotionally worked up. That just means that I need to avoid sitting down with more than one serving of anything. I should be measuring everything before I eat it anyway, at least until I get better at judging what a proper portion is.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Well, you don't say.

I'm down 2.5 lbs. today, after one day of clean eating and properly fluid intake. It's astounding. It never ceases to amaze me how much I can bloat like a giggly water balloon when I don't eat well. Now I'm only 1/2 lb. up from my low, and that isn't terribly hard to rectify. I'm sure that I can burn far more than that by trying to clear the back walk enough that the dog can easily do his business. It was funny watching him hop through the snow that was up past his belly. We were told to expect 10"+ this morning, and it looks as though it has arrived (and continues).

My neighbor was a wonderful, wonderful man. He walked his snow-blower by and cleared the sidewalks for me. That is a lot of work that I don't have to do, but I will go out and try to keep it clear as the snow continues to come down. I also need to shovel out a parking space for my husband, since I don't think the plows will be coming down our street. So much snow has fallen since he left for work, I wouldn't want the car to get stuck over the night. It's all good exercise, as far as I'm concerned. I like to exercise without feeling that that is what I'm really doing.

I ate 1,276 calories yesterday, which included a nice steak with mashed potatoes and yellow squash. It was quite yummy. I just bought one steak and split it with DH, and it was more than enough. Now I need to sit down and figure out what I'm going to eat for today. I think that a ham and cheese omelet sounds great for breakfast. I had better get to it before it's lunch time. *lol*

Thursday, December 18, 2008

A Fresh Day

Wow, yesterday was stressful! Come to think of it, this week has been stressful. The decision to put Pumpkin in a public school has really been working me over. Add my monthly to that, and it's no wonder that I've felt like an eating machine. I've been feeling as though I have a hungry little monster in my belly that will not be satisfied. It's an awful feeling!

Last night, we had McDonald's for dinner. I told Pumpkin that we would go there after her doctor's appointment. We were all tired, hungry, and overly stressed. My big girl got three shots in her arm, the first two being alright. It was the last one that burned badly and had her upset. I needed to get her home and get food and medicine into her tummy, so she would feel better. By the time that she was finished with her apple slices, everything seemed right in her world again.

I think that maybe I'm supposed to feel bad about eating fast food, but I don't. I had a Big & Tasty, most of a medium fry, and a medium diet coke. I ate it and enjoyed it, and now I'm back to my regularly scheduled programming. All in all, I've gained 3 lbs. since my weird eating-monster took up residence. I'm determined to shake it all off though, and get back to moving downward. Sitting at 205, I am so close to getting out of the 200's. I don't need to be here. I can be in the 100's.

I'm thinking that this hunger thing is hormonal. It reminds me of how I feel when pregnant, the needing to eat constantly. Thankfully, I can already feel that things are winding down. I don't feel so out of control, and it's still morning. Yesterday and the day before, mornings were crazy. I wanted to eat a box of cereal and then chase it with scrambled eggs. Crazy hunger. I'm not normally very hungry at all in the morning, so this was a real departure from the norm.

Since I'm already feeling better, I started today off on a more active note. The first order of business was to get moving. I got a little exercise in, and now I'm drinking my water. I'm feeling healthier and more normal already, and it is refreshing.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Grumpy Snow & Other Weirdness

Maybe I'm not quite so much grumpy as just, slightly overbearing and donkey-ish. *chuckles* Thankfully, my husband is a patient and loving man, and forgives me when I act stupid because of raging hormones. I didn't weigh in this week because I have received my special December gift, and blessedly in advance of Christmas.

With the way that I've been feeling the past few days, I'll be surprised if I don't post a whopping gain by next Tuesday. Paul says it best:

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. Romans 7:18-20

I know that it's not good for me to eat a bunch of junk. It hurts my body, and I hate feeling controlled by the desire to do what I know is wrong. I need to pray about it more. That needs to be my first thought, not my last one. Goodness, I should have been praying instead of eating... wait for it... burnt cookies. Yeah. I wasted calories on bad cookies. Burnt cookies. Still, I ate them anyway, even though they didn't taste or feel good. It was grossly stupid.

Still, I'm not completely lost because I ate nasty cookies for a day. I know that this is a daily battle, a battle at eat meal, not just for a short time. This sort of thing will be with me for the rest of my life, so I had better dig in and get used to fighting this war. One day I will wake up and make good decisions with ease, and I'll consider myself a victor. Until then, I'm still in the trenches, battling this area of weakness. Right now, I just want to get through this week without eating everything in the house.

It's not all doom and gloom, of course. My life is really quite happy, and I'm only grumpy about burnt cookies lately. I'm even happy about my great opportunity for exercise today! I pulled out the snow shovel and hefted snow for 30 minutes today. I shoveled all of our sidewalks and walkways, and then did the neighbors' also. I've done a total of three houses, and a little bit of a neighbor's walkway, helping out his buddy who was already clearing it. I may need a little bit of Motrin, since I'm not used to the motion of shoveling yet (Oh, I'm sure I will be by the end of winter). My Fitday says that that is over 200 calories burned, and that makes me feel better about eating two servings of Cheerios this morning with my skim milk. I was just looking in the bowl and thinking, 30 grams of Cheerios just isn't a meal. I knew that I would be out and running around, and I didn't have time to cook. Now I feel much better, thinking about having shoveled off nearly all of my Cheerios. *laughs*

I am thinking about buying a step to exercise with. They are small compared to many other exercise devices, and I can put it right in front of the tv. That sounds a mite lazy, but I need to distract myself from the fatigue that comes with vigorous exercise. Ok, and the arthritis hurts, but I need to keep that knee strong. I wished that I had had one last night while watching the finale for "The Biggest Loser". Watching that show makes me want to exercise! That's not as easy now, not since DH put my bike in the basement for Christmas. Anything not suitable for guests to sit on was removed. I guess guests could sit on my bike, but it would seem a little goofy.

I'm sure that I won't be without exercise, regardless of where my bike is. We have another snow storm coming in this week. So, I'll have more snow to shovel. I may start walking up and down our basement steps, also.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Blah Weekend

This hasn't been the best weekend for losing weight, at least not for me. It seems like we haven't stopped moving since DH got off of work. There has just been more and more work to do. On the plus side, we did get our Christmas tree up. It looks beautiful. *smiles*

Now, for the downside. I have eaten garbage this weekend. My kitchen is a wreak, and is housing an exercise bike right now. With furniture and exercise equipment being stored in the kitchen while we moved everything and cleaned, it has been less than helpful for the actual cooking of food. So, we've eaten what leftovers there was, and then moved on to fast food.

Aside from some rolls of carpet and the Christmas tree box, the living room is nearly to rights again. I can push the bike out of the kitchen and get back to business today. Hopefully, my body has viewed this "diet hiatus" as a weekend getaway that leads it to appreciate vegetables all the more. *chuckles* Ok, too far. I am just looking forward to the initial wash of weight, once I get back to drinking all of my water. Then I can bike a little bit further this week, and it will all work out in the wash. I'm still shaking a finger at myself though. If I had been prepared and made better choices, I could be in "Onderland" this week. I'll just work hard for making it next week.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Winding Babble

I am so happy about my mile time! *laughs* I know, I already said that. Hey, I'm just excited. I love seeing that number get lower and lower. I was able to bump the treadmill up to 6 mph for a little while, but ran more at 5.8 mph.

My sister went to the gym with me last night. She hasn't been to the gym in a long while, since she is going to school. For some reason, she feels the need to push herself really hard when she is there, though she knows that killing herself one day isn't going to make 5 months of not exercising "all fixed". I shake my finger at her! Ok, just a little bit. I kept reassuring her that she needn't work quite so hard, and shouldn't be running at all right now. She doesn't listen to me.

I don't actually know how long I did cardio last night. I ran, and then started walking. I don't know how long I was walking for before Sis said that she was moving to the bike. So, I hit that stop button and moved to the bike too. I think that I pedaled for just over 1/2 hour before Sis said that she had a foot cramp and wanted to call it a night. So, I'm figuring that I'm somewhere between 45 minutes and just over an hour, I think. I kind of spaced out on the treadmill after running, so I could have been on there for 10 or 20 more minutes without even registering it.

Speaking of spacing out, I was thinking about that as I was running last night. I didn't do that while I was running, because I was trying to beat my old mile time. When I've run long-distance in the past, I used to find myself really taking a trip after a while. The worst was when I was in high school, and I would run the halls. It must have been something about those lights. My body would go on auto-pilot, my eyes would lose focus a bit, and I would just run. It was so weird, but felt so cleansing and good. I can't run for distance anymore, because of this bad knee of mine, but I kind of wish that I could. To push past the point of complete and utter exhaustion, and to come to a place where everything gets quiet and still even though I'm moving, it offers a strange sort of rush.

It's not hurting me so much to run. I mean that in a rather non-bouncy kind of way. *laughs* While I still have to wear my bra that squishes my b00bs into my spine, other parts of me don't bounce around with so much vigor. Yay for less squishiness! It makes me wish that I had a trampoline to jump on! *lol* Boing! Boing! Unfortunately, I'd really be hurt badly if I fell off of one. I'm more breakable now than I was a few years ago, something that I've learned through my forays into fitness. I try to improve my strength, and I have to be super-careful not to injure myself. Goodness, DH worried that I had breast cancer not long ago, because I had injured my chest wall, which caused terrible pain and swelling. It's a real bummer to be so breakable. Hopefully some of that will improve as I slowly improve my fitness. I want to be strong, not made of glass.

Here is something funny that I want to write about. My husband won't believe me that dudes at the gym don't pay me any mind. Aside from the fact that I'd expect busy exercising guys to be busy with their actual exercising, my DH is too sweet to accept that the majority of guys don't seem interested in squishy girls. Personally, I don't really care. I'm married, and I'd prefer not to be uncomfortable while working out in the man-gym anyway. When I told him that dudes don't look at me, he just didn't believe me. He doesn't realize that he is just a special treasure!

I'm not the only lady who exercises at the man-gym. Personally, I just shrug it off as delightful that there are fitter women there who can be a lightning rod for any staring dudes who haven't learned that that is a mite rude. When I mentioned that to DH, he accused me of calling myself ugly, though I wasn't. I just acknowledge that there are women who are more physically fit than myself (which many people use as a measure of beauty), and that there are also women who are truly far more beautiful than I. I have no need or desire to have anyone oogling me or raving about how beautiful I am, but here is where the problem is. Maybe DH is a little right. The reason why I don't like to hear comments about my looks is because when people say nice things to me, I don't believe them. I wonder what they want. I wonder why they are smoozing me with false compliments. Oh, that doesn't include my family though. I just assume that they say nice things because they would still say I am pretty if I looked like Nanny McPhee at the beginning of the movie. *laughs*

Maybe I don't find myself to be ugly. I think that is too strong a word. Generally, I tend to think of myself as ... unremarkable. I blend. Instead of a bright parot, I am more like a little sparrow that is indistinguishable from the dry foliage of fall. For as strange as it sounds, I actually like this. I enjoy not being seen. I enjoy the quietness of it all. The kids that I grew up with were always cruel to me, telling me in every fashion just how disgustingly awful they thought I was. They made me miserable nearly every day. Boys thought that I was invisible until I was 17, at which time I found a boy that I loved a great deal. Unfortunately, he didn't have so much love for me, and his eyes were always wondering and looking for the 'better' more beautiful girl who might want him. When I became pregnant for the first time, my father looked at me and told me that I would never be pretty again. End of story. I think he just wanted to cut me.

It wasn't until I met my husband that I began to feel a deep contentment, a certain feeling that I was loved by another human being no matter what I looked like. There is only one man on this earth that I really care to see me, and that is him. He nurtures me with his abundant love and acceptance with such a fullness that I have no desire to attract anyone else's attention. If there is any other man who does see me, I'm unaware of it. Now, other women, that is a completely different story. Gals can be such crazy creatures. They need a post all their own.

Well, this wonderfully unremarkable girl is ready for some new jeans. I've been holding on to my pants for as long as I can, but I'm going to have to make peace with the idea of letting some go. When jeans hang and drape more like a skirt, I'd say they are done. I can put my whole arm down the leg of my jeans to scratch an itch behind my knee. I think that I have a good test for determining the time of death for a pair of pants. If they have can be slipped off without unbuttoning them, they need to go.

It's an awkward place, being between sizes. I can wear smaller sizes in clothing, and yet they don't look quite right. The fit isn't as smooth as what I'd like, but my older clothes are shapeless and falling off. While I'm not overly concerned with how other people see me, I'd like for my husband to enjoy how I look in my clothes. I think that the only option left is to keep working on my health and fitness, and the smaller clothes will gradually look nicer and nicer as days go by.

Well, I guess that is enough babbling for now. I need to get in the kitchen and start cooking. My ready-made lunch plates are all gone, and there is some beautiful yellow squash that is just waiting to be roasted. I think that I may cook my chicken in some hot sauce this time around, for some kick! Yummy, yummy.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


I was able to improve my mile time tonight! I got my mile in at 11:28, which is an improvement of 1:01. Yay!

Good Morning!

I felt pretty hungry this morning, so I thought that I would try something new. I wanted to make breakfast sandwiches for Pumpkin and myself. Here is what I had:

  • 1 leftover dinner roll
  • 1 whole egg, 1 egg white
  • 1 slice of American cheese
  • 18 grams of ham

Between eating my sandwich and nursing a large cup of water for an hour, I feel stuffed. It was only 260 calories, but I feel like I ate a big dinner or something. *waddle, waddle, waddle* My idea of a substantial meal has certainly been changing over this past half-year.

I'm not complaining about my full, bloated feeling. I ate enough, and my body told me so. This feels good to me, just because it helps me feel more secure in that I'm reaching a point where I am more able to gauge my portions without measuring cups and scales. That's not to say that I'm beyond them, but that I may be able to trust myself a little more when these things aren't available. I won't have to worry so much that I'll eat 3 cups of pasta when out to eat, because I am able to trust that I'll get the "I'm full" message. For a long while, I thought that my gauge was broken. *laughs* Now, I'm starting to interpret my body's signals better.

My Ticker

I updated my ticker today. I thought that it was time to modify things a bit and keep me moving forward. I was at the end of my last ticker, so I made my goal weight lower and began again. It helps me to see the road before me, instead of being content with how far I have come. Sure, it's great to look at how well I've done for myself, but I don't want to become complacent.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Ha! And other exclamations of ecstatic suprise!

A little over a year ago, I had this green dress that I had wanted to wear to a family wedding. My husband bought it for me at the thrift store, because I smiled and made eyes at him. Oh, the sage green satin was pretty, and cheap too! The only problem is that they don't have fitting rooms at the thrift store.

You know, I had every intention of losing weight at the time, but it wasn't happening. I tried on the dress and saw that it gaped in the back by a good 4-5 inches. There was no possible way of zipping it up. I didn't make the lifestyle changes that I needed to in the time allotted, and the dress stayed in the closet. Instead, I wore a matronly dress that my mother had given me, something that she couldn't wear after her gastric bypass surgery.

I've been reorganizing the entire house, including the closets. I pulled my bags of yarn out of the closet, and that freed up space to hang all of my dresses together. Oh green dress, there you were. I thought, "why not"? I just kept my baggy jeans on and pulled the dress up. It zipped. Sure, it would probably look prettier with another 10 lbs. gone from my frame, but it fit. Even with my big 'ole jeans, the dress zipped up. It's like a hot shower on a cold morning, that delicious feeling of completion and success. I haven't reached the end of my journey, but it feels good to know that I've traveled quite a distance and am closer to my destination.

"Never Again" Statements

I've lived in a land of excuses. You see, this isn't my first time losing weight. I lost my fitness after being pregnant. I had just reached 24 weeks with my firstborn son, and then the placenta abrupted and he was born through a very traumatic emergency c-section. My beautiful little boy lived for 30 minutes before his premature lungs just refused to handle the strain of breathing. In my grief, depression, and more than a little insanity, I begged my husband for another baby. Though I hadn't lost all of my 'baby weight', I found myself pregnant again, having only given myself three months to heal.

There was a lot of drama when I was pregnant with Pumpkin. When I started bleeding at 12 weeks, I went to bed for the next 4 months. I got up to use the bathroom. Every couple of weeks, DH would take pity on me and push me around the grocery store in a wheelchair. He would walk it to the car, and then spend an hour watching me grin from ear to ear because I was able to be somewhere other than bed. Though we were very careful, Pumpkin was born at the end of our 28th week of gestation. I was free to leave my bed, if I felt like my insides weren't going to fall out. I was terribly overweight by then, having lived off of packaged meals and snacks. DH had to work, and there was no one to care for me during the day. So, he placed food near me, and we ate whatever he could throw together for dinner. We ate a lot of pizza.

It took me a long time to feel ready to start taking care of myself. I had a new baby who was in the hospital for the first month of her life. I was trying to pump my milk every 3 hours while recovering from another bad incision. When she came home, she didn't sleep for 5 hours at a time until she was 5 months old. I was a zombie. But, when things quieted down, I started trying to make changes. I was so desperate to be back to normal that I started starving myself and exercising like a crazy woman. I got results. However, they weren't sustainable because I hadn't learned new habits to take the place of my bad ones. I had just starved my body into submission.

DH and I ended up moving shortly after I had slimmed down, and our living situation became more stressful. He and I weren't getting along all that well, which was just leftover issues surrounding the death of our son. I felt very much alone, struggling to live with people who were basically strangers to me. As the stress mounted, so did the pounds. I gained a lot of my weight back during the year and a half that it took for us to save up the money to get our house. DH and I had resolved many of our problems, but I still wore some of mine on my body.

Settled in our own house, I really felt comfortable and ready to start making the changes that I needed to be healthy. I still hadn't learned much about the right way to eat, but I was working on it. I did a lot of praying and fasting. I began working on my diet in 2006, and started focusing a lot on feeding my body well and getting strong that summer. I was frustrated and confused when the scale stopped moving, and decided to take a pregnancy test when I realized that I couldn't seem to stay awake during the day. I started crying over the phone when I told DH that I was pregnant. We felt certain that with so much time since my last pregnancy, I had healed well and stood a good chance of having a healthy baby. We learned shortly that this wasn't going to be the case, as I was diagnosed with a blood disorder which explained why I couldn't carry children to term. I was put on many therapies and injections, but our youngest son was stillborn in the back of an ambulance that fall.

Though I had lost quite a bit of weight, I couldn't maintain the loss when my mind was never in the present. When we buried our son, we buried our hopes and dreams of having more children. I struggled with God in a mighty way, and I acknowledged that He was big enough to handle my feelings- so I let him have every tear, whimper, scream, and shaken fist. He didn't leave me, even when I raged and turned on myself and God with a bitterness over the malfunction of my body. I can say that for some time, I hated myself and wouldn't do a thing to improve my health. I didn't care if I was thin, or a mass of flesh. I loved my family and kept breathing for them, though it felt as if I were very disconnected. It took me a long time to heal. It took a long time for me to even care at all what I looked like or felt like.

This learning and healing process is what I value when I think about weight-loss and sustaining a healthy weight. I have made peace with myself, and I've buried the hate that I had for me. I know that I am broken, and though it oftimes makes me sad that I can't have any more children, I don't punish myself for the "failing" anymore. I know how to eat well, and I exercise for the love of being strong. I refuse to treat myself poorly, like forcing myself to run a mile because I made a mistake and ate too many potato chips. I have forgiveness for me, and I don't expect that I should be like anyone else. If I am happy as a chubby girl, then that is how I will stay. I am alright with that. I have no desire to drive my weight down just to look like anyone else. I don't deserve to be punished for potato chips. Instead, I deserve a chance to reevaluate what I'm doing, and to be equipped with the tools to instead do what is healthy and right for my body. I will never be able to "fix" me, but that doesn't mean that I have to live my life hating who I am either. Everyone is broken in one way or another, whether on the outside or inside. We all deserve to be loved and nurtured. That is what Father offers us and wants for us. Who am I to say that He is wrong? Who am I to hate myself when I am so beloved to the very Maker of all creation?

Maybe I will always struggle with keeping the weight off, as far as the habits of life go. Thankfully though, I know how to achieve success. I desire to treat myself well, which is something that I lacked for so long. Now that I don't have such bitter hate toward this body of mine, I feel better equipped to live each day as as a new gift, and to be nice to me. That is why I will not allow myself to be so far away from a weight that makes me comfortable, and gives me freedom. I deserve better than that.


We were given a gift card for Applebee's as a Christmas gift from someone that DH works with. With a little nudge, DH took us out to dinner last night. I wasn't sure how my stomach was going to react, but I was certainly hungry enough to try.

DH and I got one of their combo meals where you pick an appetizer and two entrees for $20. We ended up with some buffalo wings to nibble, he had riblets, and I chose the 7 oz. steak and baked potato. There was a lot of food on our table, and I'm happy to say that two boxes of it came home with us last night. I think that I had two buffalo wings, with just a little ranch. I ate half of my steak, and half of the potato. I felt full, but not stuffed. As I slid out of that booth, I felt GOOD. That steak was just heavenly. Though I only ate half of it, every bite was absolutely delicious. When I was done, I really was done and satisified.

That meal must have really hit the spot, because I didn't have an urge to eat again for the rest of the day. (We eat dinner early. I guess we probably do more of a dinner and supper during a day.) Instead, I nursed a no-sugar-added fudgesicle while watching tv, and later had a cup of coffee.

This morning, I was very surprised to see that I had dropped a pound, even though I have been eating somewhat regularly. I haven't been skimping on the food, because I don't believe that being weak helps me recover from illness faster. I just choose different foods that feel good to my body at the time. Oh my goodness, that leaves me with 3 lbs. before I see my mysterious "1". I am 4.5 lbs. away from completing a full 50 lbs. of weight lost. It is such a happy thing, and yet embarrassing to admit, all at the same time. Yes, I've been that overweight. No, I don't ever plan on being that number again. In 5.5 lbs. I will no longer be classified as what I charmingly refer to as "Oh Beast". *laughs* I can be chubby, volumptuous, curvy, husky, heavy, or squishy. That's alright as long as I'm no longer "Oh Beast". *wink*

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Just Not Lovin' It

I don't know if it is my lingering bit of funkiness or what, but I am not loving my breakfast today. I picked up a box of sugar-free oatmeal packets at the store, when I was there. Hey, apples and cinnamon sounded good, and so did the lack of sugar. The only problem is that I'm having a hard time swallowing it. I feel like a little kid, chewing the food in my mouth for five minutes before choking it down.

I'm not going to give up on the oatmeal though. I think that it may be the last lingering bits of illness that is turning me off, not specifically the oatmeal. So, I'll just put it up and try it again in a few days. There is no point in eating something that I don't love, just because it is filling and had a meager 100 calories. For all of that, I could eat a ton of celery too, except that I basically abhor that stringy vegetable unless it is in soup.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Tis The Season

It seems to be the time of year when everyone sits down and works out what their goals are for the upcoming year. I've given it a try. I've wracked my brain, and all I can think is that I am a very unambitious person. *laughs*

As for my dietary changes, I don't plan on altering them for a while, and certainly not expecting any changes to last for the year. So, my eating will stay largely the same, until I find that it needs to be modified. That doesn't fit well on a list of goals. I can't even write down that I want to be a certain weight during 2009. I'm not terribly concerned with the exact number of pounds that I lose over this next year. Sure, I want to continue in a downward direction, but I haven't even figured out what my "happy weight" will be yet. All in all, I have about 30 lbs. that I could stand to lose sometime between now and whenever. I'm sure that I can probably accomplish that within a year. What I'm not sure about is making it some kind of standard that I need to meet, lest I look like a failure. To be quite honest, I wouldn't be terribly disappointed if I just hung at this weight for a year. Sure, I wouldn't mind being smaller, but I've reached a point where my size doesn't inhibit me from doing much.

Maybe I am just not a goal setter. Instead of feeling obligated to lose 'x' number of pounds in a month, I want to be excited and happy to discover that I've lost weight while playing soccer with my daughter. I want to be proud of my strength when hauling around heavy car parts while spending time with my husband. I don't really care what the number on the scale says. I just use it as a tool, to keep me from accidentally putting weight back on.

That Weird Sort of Tight

I'm blogging from bed today, just to stave off the boredom. I can't stand much daytime tv, and I need to be quiet and rest after having spent the night awake and miserable with a wicked fever. There is something so very strange about feeling my face burning up, and yet be so blasted cold that all I could do is lay there and shake. *sigh*

After nursing a cup of water and a couple pretzels, I thought that my stomach might be calm enough that I could shower. That always makes me feel at least a little better. As I was getting into my wonderfully clean clothes, I realized that my favorite pants are getting tight. It is a weird sort of tight though.

It took me a few seconds of tugging on my pants and turning in front of the mirror, but I think that I know what is going on. I'm getting too small for my pants, which is why they are tight. I know that sounds backwards! *laughs* The waist only feels tight because it is sliding so far down on my hips, instead of sitting at my waist. The legs and bottom area is getting saggy, so the only thing holding them up is the slipping waistband.

It probably sounds a little strange, but I almost feel a twinge of disappointment. This is my favorite pair of jeans. It is so hard to find jeans that fit well for the way that I am shaped. Maybe it will be easier as more of the weight comes off, but I doubt it. I've always had a hard time shopping for jeans because of my wide hips and full bottom. Even at muscular 150 lbs. , I got some grumpy eyebrows when trying to find jeans. I guess that when the time comes that I need to donate this pair to the thrift store, I should just be happy to worry about finding jeans at all. The alternative is ugly stretch pants and awkward dresses. Been there, done that. No thanks.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Great Googly-Moogly!

When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was surprised that it had barely budged. It left me wondering, "Did I really eat so much more yesterday?" Normally, if I eat a bunch of junk, I bloat really bad. That's probably because I crave sweets like a crazy thing. Still, I was mightily confused, but certainly not upset.

I had every intention of eating a beautifully balanced meal plan today. My body, however, had very different plans. I have been nauseated and funky all day, but there has been too much work to do. I couldn't just hide in bed. Still, my stomach wanted to revolt every time that I hefted a laundry basket or bent over. Ick. Though I had the best of intentions, to the best of my calculations, I am coming in for a daily total of about 850 calories.

Though I tried really hard to eat enough, it just wasn't happening. DH tried to take my oatmeal away and give it to the dog, because he felt bad watching me try to get it down. I ended up cutting up some raw pear and adding it in, and that helped me eat it all. I felt really sick after that though. That is one thing that I hate about an upset tummy; I never know whether to feed it or not. Of course, that's probably why I gain so much weight when pregnant. That's 3-4 months of nausea for me. Anyway, I ate all of my veggies at dinner, part of my bread, and about half of my chicken. What I couldn't wrap up for tomorrow was fed to the dog.

Tomorrow is another day, and I hope that I'll feel brand new by then. I hate losing weight because I've felt sick. It kind of feels like cheating! I guess there is just a part of me that wants to feel like I've earned every pound that I lose.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Getting My Head on Straight

Today was pretty much garbage. I don't know that got into me, in addition to some chocolate cake. Sometimes I get so darned frustrated with myself, because I know that I'm not taking good care of myself, but I still make the bad decisions. That is just messed up.

I know that what I really need to do is make peace with myself and get over it. Ok, I didn't do great today, but one day of messing up isn't going to stack the weight on. Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day, and another opportunity to treat myself better. I don't have to go through tomorrow feeling bloated and nasty. I've been doing this for six months, so I know what needs to be done, and that it isn't all that hard. I'm going to start by making up a menu plan right away.

Friday, December 5, 2008

End of Day Update: Dec 5

I did pretty well today. My calories were a little too low yesterday (under 1k) , and I know that if I stay on that kind of track, my hungry monster comes out. Since I didn't want to be a beast today, I upped my intake a little bit. I came in at 1,415 today, according to my best calculations.

In an effort to test a theory, I just finished the last of my food, and now I am off to bed. I'm going to be quick about it, and hopefully I'll see if it helps alleviate some of my problems with getting to sleep. I didn't have a huge meal or anything, but I have 150 calories of yummy potato and onion to make my tummy happy. Maybe I should have chosen something else, but it is an on-running experiment. I've chosen protein sources the past few nights, and now I'll try something richer in carbs and see how I feel. I'll check in in the morning and report how I slept, and how I feel in the morning.


Thursday, December 4, 2008


Alright, I'm going to confess. I had a bit of a binge last night. I ate a bunch of food. I think that I had a little bit of everything in the house, minus vegetables. It wasn't that I ate huge amounts, but even larger amounts of crap food is ....well... crap. While the small bowl of Doritos started it all, I should have ended it there. I'm having a very hard time feeling terrible about it all though.

I slept.

I mean, I had real sleep and woke up feeling like a human being. Wow.

Ok, so I can't eat like that all of the time, or else I'll pack on the pounds. I know that. There was something wonderful about feeling genuinely full when I went to bed, thanks to nibbling on cold ham from the fridge. My hectic furniture moving and more than a little stress encouraged me along my wicked path, and I ate. I think that I had two tacos for dinner, after eating those fatty animal crackers. Normal animal crackers aren't so bad, but the brand from Aldi is. Then, I wrenched my elbows really bad, trying to not drop our table-top when DH dropped his end. It wasn't his fault at all, but I couldn't just let the table crash to the floor and break. That snap of dead weight though, it put a bad hurt on me. Instead of reaching for the motrin, I reached for a couple pieces of chocolate. It was just two, but then there was the Doritos, animal crackers, a wee packaged ice cream cup and tacos. D'oh. At least they were homemade tacos, and I am super O.C.D. about draining every minute speck of grease when frying hamburger.

It felt so nice to sleep. Oh, blessed sleep. I didn't even care that I was covered in cats, and the house was a mess. Ahh....

These things are fleeting, however. I had to wake up. I'm nursing my liquids today, and have restricted my munching to some light snacks, evenly placed. I'll eat something more substantial later, but my system is out of whack due to my overindulgence. I fear that I may live off of coffee today, because it is the only thing that feels good to my tummy.

Here I am, back to trying to eat like a skinny gal again. (That's funny though, since I don't know any that don't either starve, or eat like little piggies.) I'm keeping busy with fixing the mess that is my house. There are tons of books to be sorted, organized, and shelved. There are more toys to be bagged and carted off to the thrift store, along with summer clothes that Pumpkin won't be able to wear again. Goodness gracious, and then there is the laundry. It is not my friend this week, not with the construction mess. For as much dust as I sweep and wipe clean, there is a load of laundry that doesn't get done. What do you do though? I have other clothes to wear, but I can't eat or prepare food on dirty surfaces. Oy.

On a positive note, I destroyed a pair of jeans that was too big for me. Instead of keeping around "fat pants" for those days when I feel lazy and want to gain back some fat, I cut them up and am sewing a pair of slippers from them. Pumpkin wore holes in her slippers, so I am making her a homemade pair! It's going to be so cute. Goodbye fat pants! Hello special gift for my little girl!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Moving Furniture, If Not Weight

I'm 206 again today. I am such an impatient thing, I tell ya. It feels like I've been here forever, until I look at my log and see that it's only been 3 days. Come on!! It's just three days. I'm shaking a finger at myself for my foolishness.

Though the scale isn't moving yet, I'm moving the furniture. While my brain wouldn't go to sleep last night, I planned out how I was going to rearrange things to give us more freedom of movement. I even found a creative way to store Pumpkin's toys, and now I have her empty toy box to put my yarn in. Hopefully that means that my husband will stop giving me that look, because yarn is taking over the house, our bedroom in particular.

If I had the energy, I think I'd log my calories burned from hauling furniture. I just don't have the umph though. Instead, I get to empty a bookcase and move it to the living room. I may then take a nap before emptying my dresser and dragging it into the closet of our school room. With my dresser out of the bedroom, I can pull the bed away from the wall. My husband will be ecstatic if he doesn't have to scoot and climb over me to get out of bed. Though it might be just a tad inconvenient to have my dresser across the hall, it does give me a big closet all to myself. The dresser if very short, and the closet is the widest in the house. It almost gives me goosebumps to think of all the space! I don't have very many clothes, but our bedroom closet is tiny. I put 2-3 items on each hanger so mine and DH's clothes both fit in there. It's a bonus that all of this furniture moving leads to a thinner me.

Squishy the Insomniac

Not sleeping at night is pretty awful. I felt tired when I went to bed, and I took my time going through my nighttime routine in order to feel all slow and relaxed. For some reason though, my brain would not stop running. I gave up looking at the clock around 2:30 a.m. and just decided to bury my head and try not to be miserable.

At 2 o'clock, I gave in and headed to the kitchen. Let me say with all honesty, I'm not a middle-of-the-night eater. I'm not ashamed to eat, and even if I was, I could eat while my husband is at work. Nope. That's not me. However, I felt pretty darned guilty to be standing at the kitchen counter, eating cold turkey. I had stopped eating at 9:30 p.m., so that was 4.5 hours of laying awake to make me hungry. I thought that the protein would help ease the ache in my tummy, and maybe help me sleep. I washed it down with a little milk, and went back to bed. I felt good. For a gal who lives in do-I-feel-satisfied-land, that was a big difference.

I think that it took me another 1- 1.5 hours to fall asleep, but I must have. *chuckles* My three alarms went off this morning, and I pried my eyes open. At least I am up and functioning today. It's been a few days now since I've had some decent sleep, and it makes me feel so darned lazy! It makes me blush to even tell my husband or sister that we got started late with school because I couldn't drag myself out of bed until 11 a.m. . I'm trying very hard to make myself a strong habit of sleeping and waking at certain times, but I feel like the deck is certainly stacked against me. My husband may pout a little, but I'll take the tv out of our bedroom if he can't be nice to me and leave it off when I say that I need to go to sleep. We have a perfectly good living room, and it has a tv in it. Staying awake so long is doing terrible things to my self-perception. *laughs* I couldn't help but make fun of myself a little last night, eating by the glow of the fridge. What a cliche'!!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Eating at Night

I eat at night. I also don't sleep well on most nights, so it is important for me to *not* stop eating at 7 p.m. or so. I have tried very hard to change my eating habits and do all of my eating earlier in the day, but all that does is leave me starving at midnight. Sure, most folks should be sleeping at midnight, but that doesn't mean that I am.

I do try to eat light things the closer I get to bed. My main objective is to eat light foods, but not go to bed hungry. If I am hungry when I climb between the sheets, I won't sleep at all. I've had that problem for the last two nights, and I found myself in the kitchen at 2 a.m. , looking for something to eat. I did alright, settling on 1/2 - 1 T. of peanut butter and a little water. It was enough to chase away the gnawing feeling in my gut, and then I was able to fall asleep. I just find it so difficult to know how much food I should eat during the evening, and how much will leave me feeling gross when I head to bed.

Those Weapons of War

Jem at "A Girl Worth Losing" is talking about the arsenal of foods that she uses to combat poor lunch choices. It got me thinking about my "main staples" that I tend to keep in the house. Generally, I don't eat meals that are vastly different from those I serve my family, but I need somewhere to run when I feel the need to snack. My dear husband can ingest all sorts of sweet and salty things, and he doesn't gain weight. Eating with him, the same foods and quantities, lead me to gaining a horrific amount of weight. It's a sadly ironic that he weighs what I would love to weigh, and yet he eats enough food that I'm left gaping in shock while nibbling on my wee pretzel sticks. How can that man eat a bag of beef jerky, follow it with half a bag of potato chips, and then drink a quart of chocolate milk? It is all beyond me, and it is pretty hard to lose weight with all of the food and eating going on around me.

My weapons of war are pretty simple. I don't do real fancy foods, as I don't have that kind of budget.

I keep the fridge stocked at all times with chicken, whatever I have the money for. Thankfully, I've been able to afford skinless chicken breasts lately, and that makes up the main protein for most of my dinners and lunches. I also keep frozen salmon fillets, and I like to have fish 2-3 days per week. Since salmon is a little expensive (reasonable though, since no one else here will eat it), I will sometimes eat tuna instead. I know that canned tuna isn't on par with the salmon, but I do the best that I can with what I've got.

If I am making a skillet meal or casserole, I will use either ground turkey or dark meat chicken. They provide different kinds of mouth-feel, and my husband doesn't complain about not having as much beef. Cow is more expensive, and isn't any better for us, so I only use it in small quantities. If I'm going to shell out money for beef, it will be for a small roast or steak, something that is too good to try and substitute. *laughs*

The only other meat-type food that I can think of that I use regularly are eggs. I'll list them here, instead of in dairy. I use them as a main protein source sometimes, instead of meats. I've eaten Egg Beaters, and they are great for making healthier baked goods and such. However, if I'm eating eggs as a main part of my meal, I choose real ones. Generally, I scramble one whole egg with 2 or 3 egg whites. My dog needs the extra fat to survive the winter, so I don't feel guilty about not eating them. *wink*

I am big on vegetables. One of my main staples is cauliflower. I can eat it raw when I'm on the go. It can be tossed into a baggie or tupper bowl as I run out the door. Usually though, I steam cauliflower and mash it with a little salt. I eat mashed cauliflower nearly every day, particularly if I'm hungry and low on available calories for the day. I also eat a lot of lettuce, yellow squash, sweet potato, red potatoes, broccoli, asparagus, green beans, and peas. I get away with eating the starchier vegetables because I don't eat much in the way of packaged convenience foods or baked goods.

I should probably write something about fruit, but I don't eat much of it. Sometimes I will eat a few strawberries, the rare banana, maybe even a cold pear. I just don't desire much fruit.

I am an oatmeal eater. I eat oatmeal almost every day. Sometimes I eat pouches of instant oatmeal, but I also cook my own oats. By cooking my own oats, I control what goes into it, and how much. There isn't much better on a cold morning than cooked oats, sprinkled with ground walnuts. Yum.

For those times when DH is eating chips and such, I try to keep some pretzels in the house. If I'm drinking a lot of water, sometimes I will also snack on a serving of pretzels, so I can get the salt (usually in summer). I used to keep animal crackers in the house, but I started eating too many of them. They don't live here any more.

I don't eat much bread, but I eat the Aunt Milly's lite bread when I want a sandwich. It only has 35 calories per slice. That works for me, since I usually just want something to hold my meat and veggies in. Mustard gets messy otherwise.

I use skim milk. I'm not a great fan of it, but it also keeps me from being tempted to eat a bowl of cereal the size of my head. I pour a little in my coffee. I might put 1/8 c. in my oats. If I need to be reminded about how not satisfying cold cereal actually is, I will use the skim for a small bowl of cereal. I don't drink milk as a beverage any more though, which is a huge change for me. When we were kids, my sisters and I drank milk like it was water. I just don't like drinking my calories.

I do keep some cheese in the house. I allot myself one cheese slice (60 calories) for an omelet each day, if I want one. I may have a string cheese instead though, for a snack. I try to be careful with the cheese though, because I like it a lot and can easily eat too much of it.

Light ranch dressing is something that I use a lot. I mix it with tuna, instead of Miracle Whip or Mayo. I use it to top potatoes, instead of butter or margarine. I eat the occassional salad with light ranch. Sometimes I will use it to lubricate a turkey sandwich, though I generally use mustard.

Dannon Light 'N Fit yogurts are wonderful. When I feel like I need something sweet, I will have one of those. They are only 80 calories, and I get to sit and nurse it for a while so I feel like I've had a more substantial snack.

Lastly, when DH is having ice cream, I treat myself to a no-sugar-added fudgesicle. Depending on what brand I buy, they are between 40-50 calories apiece, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. He can have his huge bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream with chocolate syrup, and I can feel happy with my own (better) choice.

So There!! =o )*

I am down by 1/2 lb. compared to my weigh-in from last week. Hey, I know that that is pretty weak, but it isn't a gain. So long as I'm moving down, I'm alright with that. I do think that I should make a better effort to get to the gym though, and that will probably affect my rate of weight loss. With this cold weather settling in for keeps, I need to work harder to keep my knees from getting sore and stiff. My bike is fine, but one repetitive motion doesn't cut it if I want to be able to keep some strength in my bad knee. I know that the added exercise will make my scale do crazy things, because I always seem to retain a lot of water while I'm huffin' and puffin' through workouts. We'll see how it goes. I'm just glad that the pumpkin pie didn't win the fight this week. Turkey and I are friends, but pumpkin pie makes my bottom bigger. *laughs*

Monday, December 1, 2008

Update: December 1

Alrighty, I was able to get all of my food in! Of course, now I feel bloated and funky, but I'm hoping that 30 minutes of light pedaling on the exercise bike will help me feel better. I logged about 1,224 calories today, including a wee packaged sundae cup. Pumpkin and I had one apiece while we watched tv together this evening. Though I'm not usually a fan of those little cardboard-covered treats, it tasted kind of yummy tonight. Weird.

Tomorrow is my normal weigh-in day, and I'm looking forward to it. While I don't judge my success on what the number says, it sure is helpful to see how I am basically doing. I have a fitness log that I keep on my computer, and I've been keeping track of my weekly weigh-ins since I started on May 20th. Whenever I get to feeling a little disappointed and think that maybe I've stalled out, all I have to do is look at the numbers on my chart. I can see how many pounds I've lost, or at least track how long I've been stuck. Sometimes it seems like I'm on the same number forever, but then it isn't really the truth of the matter once I check the numbers. The longest I've ever actually been stuck on one weight has been two weeks.

There is something so freeing to know that I am now back down to my low weight, and Thanksgiving is behind me. While we do all get together and eat at Christmas, there isn't quite the focus on food as there is during Thanksgiving. Hopefully we can occupy ourselves with more conversation and games, and not quite so much pie. (Are you listening, Squishy? Not quite so much pie. You are what you eat, and you don't want to be a pie!)