Current Happenings

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Spontaneously Imploding Head

Every once in a while, someone will say something so completely unbelievable tactless that it makes my brain hurt. I admit to doing that to other people on occasion, but I try not to live in the land of foot-in-mouth disease. Other people, I've noticed, don't make such an effort.

I had a male relative comment to me recently that I had lost a substantial amount of weight. Being that I'm happy that he noticed at all, I smiled real big, horsey teeth and all. Then the craziest thing happened. That one little comment morphed into a spiel about how he didn't like fat girls at all and found them completely unattractive. He bragged about how thin his girlfriend is, and said that he didn't understand "chubby chasers" because he couldn't fall in love with a girl whom he found physically revolting due to her weight.

By this time, I was trying very hard to not look at him. I pretended to be unwaveringly focused on washing dishes, even though I felt like my face was practically purple. Wow. Just wow. I have no idea why that would have anything to do with me, but it felt more than a little insulting to link my weight loss and improved fitness with his own desires and disgusts. I think that I may have thrown up a little in my mouth, being that we are closely related.

I will chalk this up to another reason why I am so very blessed to have my husband. He has loved me through thick and thin, whether the circumstances of life or the measurement of my waist. When I was so horrifically depressed and overcome with grief, he never shamed me when he found me mindlessly nibbling and crying. He has looked at me during the best and worst of times, and always found me beautiful- not the least bit repulsive.


Quick Update

I'm getting ready to leave for a while, but I wanted to add a quick update real quick. *grins* I ate a little more last night, because I stayed up pretty late. It wasn't a lot, but it was apparently enough. I am down another pound so far, and that is just great. I think that increasing my calories is already helping me to get the scale to move. Yay!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Friday Foods

Meal 1:
42 g. Kashi "Honey Sunshine" cereal
4 oz. Almond Breeze

Meal 2:
35 g. Chicken breast, cooked with hot sauce
8 oz. (raw) baby portabello mushrooms, roasted
5.75 oz. (raw) yellow squash, roasted

Meal 3:
1 c. coffee w/ 1 tsp. caramel syrup
2 hard granola bars
1 Turkey hotdog, bun, catsup, & mustard
7 oz. green beans

29 g. Whoppers
28 g. unsalted peanuts

Meal 4:
2 c. Homemade Turkey Chili
1 c. coffee w/ 1 tsp. creamer
3 pieces dark chocolate

Running Total: 1,398 calories

Oh.... wow. It's already 3:30 p.m. and I've only eaten 344 calories! I'm starting to feel a twinge of panic, just a little one. How am I going to get in all of those calories that I should eat? I'd love a wee treat, but that is only a tiny bit of crap, less than 200 calories. The rest, I have to get from my healthy food, and my stomach won't hold it! It's so easy to eat a lot of calories when it's all pizza, donuts, and the sort. It's not quite as easy when eating healthy foods, minus half a cow. Have I trained my body to be this way? I eat two cups of healthy, vegetable laden turkey chili, and then I feel stuffed. How do I eat more substantial things when I eat what I like, and there doesn't seem to be room for anything more?

Ok, maybe I shouldn't have eaten the whole carton of mushrooms. They were extremely yummy though, and I can't let them sit for more than a day. I have a phobia of store-bought mushrooms, thanks to more than one occasion of food poisoning. I love the mushrooms, but for me they are like eating sole fish. Is it prepared just right? *sinister music in the background* So, since the mushrooms looked good last night, I removed them from their plastic wrapping as quickly as possible and cooked them first thing today. So far, I think that they were good, since I haven't gotten sick yet. I should be ok.


7:47 pm

Ok, so it's nearly 8 o'clock and I am behind. I don't think that I'm making the 1,900 calories today. Maybe it will be alright, since I'm not working out real hard today. I'll get a few more calories in though. I think that a bowl of homemade turkey chili is calling my name. Since DH didn't like all of the veggies in it, and Pumpkin thought it was a little too spicy, there is a lot of chili for me to eat. Whatever I don't get eaten by tomorrow evening, I'm going to put in the freezer.

I tried unsalted peanuts this evening, and they were good. I was curious about whether I would like them, since I've always had the salted ones. Since I know that I don't miss the salt, I'll just buy these unsalted ones from now on. I was really shocked to find out that the majority of my salt intake was from my canned green beans! I had been completely unaware of how much salt was in there. I'm going to check the freezer section, the next time I am at the store, to see if there is a better option to be found there. Frozen green beans would probably be better for me anyway, and easier to portion out.

Weight Training & Nutrition


I am 5'8" and currently weigh 200 lbs. . I've lost about 50 lbs. through better nutrition and moderate exercise. With the loss of so much weight, I've become invigorated and excited about my gym time. My main goal isn't to be "skinny", but to be fit and strong. I currently am working out at the gym 4-5 days per week. I get in 1+ hr. of cardio and 45 min.- 1 hr. weights. My problem is that the 1,200 to 1,400 calories that I had been eating previously is not cutting it for me, but I don't know what I should be eating! I would love to see the number on the scale come down another 40-50 lbs. or so, but I'm stuck. Do you have any suggestions on a baseline number of calories that I should eating, and how many grams of protein would be appropriate for my situation and goals? I've found it rather difficult to find good information for *women* who want to build and sculpt muscle.

GREAT JOB!!!!! on your progress.

You DONT want to lose 40-50 lbs at 5'8" you would be skin and bones if you were 100-110lbs and had any lean mass at all. In your case i would NOT look at the scale for progress at all but at numbers the scale is a horrible gauge of progress, Body fat % and inches lost or gained.

Eating 1200-1400 calories will not be enough In my opinion if your eating good foods, real food protein carbs and fats 90% of the time with occasional treats.

for a rough estimate (which is ALL any caloric guideline can give you, you then have to adjust to the individual)i would shoot for around 2000 caloires a day +/-. Your likely not losing due to your body now freaking out after the initial loss and starting to slow down that metabolism to preserve its life, to your body that is FAT and more so in times of low intake. it will hold onto life and even lose muscle mass.

BUT instead of tracking calories I would rather see you track protein and fat grams try and get this amount in each day roughly and then fill in the rest with lots of green veggies and some fruits, and a serving of beans. Protein 140 grams (from COMPLETE protein sources dairy, meats, fish poultry, eggs)fat 60-80 grams of fat( anything BUT trans fats even saturated fats are OK from eggs, meats, and dairy, coconut and cream,just be sure to balance then out with some poly and mono unsaturated fats, I would get and use a fish oil supplement 6 grams a day, other then that the the meats and dairy etc again, nuts, olive oil etc.)then again eat lots of green veggies some fruits and possible beans, Less of the grains some brown rice and oats are great try and steer clear 90% of the time from processed grains breads, pasta, syrups etc.

If you shoot for those amounts youll be doing great if eating real foods and training hard. That would be 1100-1280 calories from protein and fats and you would get the rest of your intake from great carbs. Those fats and protein will have you sparring and building lean muscle and dropping fats the carbs will be the side kick giving some nice sustain energy, hydration and glycogen for your training.

Your doing great dont get TO complicated try and get the proper amounts of protein roughly every day and fats and eat good foods enjoy them and kick butt having fun training, youll see results. Just dont over think and over stress about it, keep it enjoyable.

I Forgot

Uh, yeah... I forgot how strenuous "rowing" on the erg can be. It's amazing how that happens! lol It's something like how we women have babies, and then actually want to do it again after the immediate pain of it all is gone.

I had though, "Oh, I can pedal like a mad freak on the bike for an hour. I'm sure that I can row for that long too!"

Nope. Stupid idea.

Alright, so my first time back on the beast I managed to pull 12.8 miles in 30 minutes. I hope that is somewhat good, because I can't remember. I was having a hard time trying to gauge just how vigorous that is, because FitDay generally shows me no love in how they calculate calories burned. If you're going to ask me whether it is 'vigorous' or 'very vigorous', shouldn't there be some kind of measure for it? I did as much calculating and investigating as I could, and I think that it comes in at "very vigorous".

The erg sure showed me some weakness in my legs, that is for sure. Since I have crooked legs and arthritis in my right knee, I'm at a disadvantage with any motion that has me in a full squat position. I had a horse rear up and fall over on me when I was a teenager, and I had to have surgery on my right knee after that. From that point on, I've had this weak spot in my range of motion. I was feeling that distinct lack of power at the beginning of the stroke, but was still able to complete each motion with clean movements and at a good pace. Hopefully, using the erg will help me to possibly rebuild a little strength back, or at least as much as I'm ever going to gain. Still, I am very proud of myself for doing something so physically difficult (given my joint issues) for a half hour, and doing it well.

I am going to have to work on finishing a little stronger in subsequent workouts. I noticed that my form was great for the first 20 minutes, and then I started getting sloppy as I became tired. No one would notice a thing about it, but I knew that my hands weren't where they should have been to clear an oar from the water, or pull strong through the water. I'd rather have good form be burned into my body, so I do it automatically. It reminds me of what Angie was saying about Jillian's shred video- how she was urging "you" to really put the effort in and not just go through the motions to get through gym time.

The scale was sitting at 201 this morning, though it was flirting with 200.5 . Sometimes I wish that I had a more sensitive scale, just so I don't have to wonder if I've got my weight balanced on both feet properly, and how that might affect my number. It's a mite frustrating. I do have a doctor's scale though, and maybe I should bring that up from the basement. It's just hard to find a good place for it, because it is too big to fit in the bathroom. Anyway, I'm not surprised that the scale hasn't moved any more, because I am working out too late at night. That means that I'm also drinking a lot of water before bed, and having some kind of protein snack. Ugh. I have got to find a way to change up the schedule that I've fallen into. Because I don't get to bed until 12:30 a.m. or so, I sleep in later in the morning also. None of this is really working for me.

On a more cheerful note, I was able to hit the grocery store last night! Yay! Now I have a new round of vegetables for this next week. I even gave in and bought a few pieces of fruit, since everyone seems to think that I need some. *laughs* I bought three different kinds of pears, and I'm going to see if I can tell the difference between their tastes. I could even split the huge granny smith apple that Pumpkin picked out, but they are just too tart for me. They make my face squish up. I thought that DH's eyes were going to pop out of his head when he scanned the red bell peppers that I bought though. Holy cow, they were $2 each! So, I'm going to roast them and love them like nothing has ever tasted better in the world, and then I'm not going to buy any more of them. *chuckles*

Since I have so many yummy things, I am going to poke around on recipezaar and see if I can find a healthy way to roast my baby portabellas and my red bells. I'm having broccoli with eggs and light gravy, but don't make a face- it tastes far better than it sounds. The broccoli is fewer calories than a bread, offers more fiber, and is more filling. I'll probably also have a bunch of gravy to suppliment the Healthy Choice frozen dinner that I picked out as a treat. I love fake salisbury steak funky meat blobs. I can't help it. I'll eat that if I can get enough of my green beans eaten, because I opened the giant bulk can that I had bought. Hey- when you eat vegetables by the pound, sometimes it helps to just get them in one big container.

Alrighty, I'm off to find recipes!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Oh, My Friend

It is so good to have you back in my life! We've been separated by far too many pounds and shortness of breath. I feel butterflies in my stomach, just thinking about the fun times that we have had together, and will have again. I have missed you!

I don't hold it against you that you kick my butt whenever we are together, because that is one of the things that I love about you. Being with you is so calming to me, teaching me to move with measured and deliberate movements while controlling my breathing. You are practically a meditation aid, though you cause me so much delicious pain.

When I close my eyes and enjoy our time together, I can practically hear the sea gulls and feel the icy cold river water heavy in the air. It brings a little smile to my face. I hope that not only will you help me shed the last of my excess weight, but you will also invigorate me and encourage me to find opportunities to be out on the water again.

2 a.m. Peanut Butter & The Sleepy Monster

I am seriously re-evaluating how much I eat after last night's trip to the gym. I was running late because DH "forgot" to put gas in the car, which really means that he doesn't care if the needle is on "E" as long as he gets home. He's a funny guy, who left me driving in the wrong direction to get gas last night, and that put my whole time schedule off. (We only go to one gas station, because they don't charge us extra to use our debit card. Plus, their prices are the best.)

Since I got there late, the place was pretty empty. Oh how I love empty. Empty is beautiful. I started on the upright bike, and I huffed it out for 30 minutes. I didn't quite get to 8 miles today, but I was more fatigued than I had been the other day. Plus, I didn't want to push it until I felt nauseated. So, after 30 minutes, I hit the weights and pushed around some plates until I felt like my arms and legs wanted to fall off. I finished up with another 30 minutes on the bike, only it was the recumbent bike this time. Each bike works a different area, I've noticed. With the upright, I am working the tops of my thighs more, particularly up near the hip. The recumbent bike, however, seems to put more of the work into the the lower half of my thigh and in through my butt. I know that that is far from technical, but that is where I feel it when I pedal.

I had every intention of running through another circuit of weights and then hitting the treadmill, but I ran out of time. Not only that, but as I was nearing the end of my second bout with the bike... I started to become aware of hunger. Does that sound strange to you? Do you ever feel hungry while you are exercising? At that point, I gave it up and went to get dressed and head home.

Once I was home, I cooked up my eggs and toast. I also had that yogurt with walnuts. DH, being the lovie that he is, decided that we needed to do our taxes late last night. So, we sat up until midnight doing that. Then, I took a while wrapping up online things and getting ready for bed. It was around 2:00 a.m. when I began feeling so overcome with hunger that I couldn't stand it. I felt like my belly button was rubbing a hole in my spine, and I was never going to get to sleep like that. So, I grabbed a tablespoon and scooped out that much peanut butter, and I took it to bed with me. I laid there in bed, slowly eating that peanut butter and trying to quiet my mind so I could sleep. I came to a decision.

I'm not buying Peter Pan peanut butter anymore. *laughs* That reduced fat peanut butter was gritty and had an awful mouth-feel. Yuck. My poor daughter never said a word while Mama subjected her to inferior peanut butter, just because it was on sale.

Since I have no intention of dialing back my workouts on a whole, I am going to do some more research to find out what is a better "fuel level" for my body while I'm exercising at this level. If I don't get somewhere with learning what my body wants, I'm liable to be a walking sleepy monster all of the time. I'm so thankful that we don't HAVE to have a set school time at home, because Pumpkin was able to watch a cartoon show while I slept in. I feel more human now, but I can't be working so hard and then staying up real late. I had asked DH to get me up when he gets up for work each morning, and that is between 5:30 am-6:00 a.m. every day. This morning, I just lifted my head up long enough to tell him that I couldn't get up today. *laughs*

The scale was down a pound this morning, but I don't know that it's fat loss. It could just bee that I was particularly dehydrated from my man bathroom visits while awake during the wee hours of morning. I don't know. I really don't care either. It was nice to see the number.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My Weigh-In Log

There is something good to be said for keeping a weigh-in log. At least, that is what I'm finding. I was updating it this evening, and I realize that I have been on a plateau since my weigh-in on January 6th. Let me show you what I have...

  • December 23, 2008:203.5
  • December 30, 2008:206
  • January 6, 2009: 202
  • January 13, 2009: 201
  • January 20, 2009: 200.5
  • January 27, 2009: 202
So, I basically lost 4 lbs. from the end of December through the first week of January. From that point though, I've been playing with the same couple of pounds. Heh. That is, coincidentally, the very same time when I started exercising 4-5 days per week. I'm not exactly sure how to feel about that. I *think* that maybe it isn't a bad thing. I know that I've had a couple days here and there where I've eaten a bit too much, but I have been 80% "on plan", if I had to guess a percentage. I've been eating very well, Whoppers aside.

I'm not really sure what to do to push through this flat point. I've increased my exercise, and the scale is going UP, not down. I'm praying that it is all muscle. I do wonder how long I can keep at this though, before the scale will start to move downward again. In the meantime, I'm trying to stay optimistic. I'll just say that this is my body, trying to make sure that my skin still fits when I'm smaller, because I don't want to be all flappy and wrinkled up before I even turn 30.

If anyone has any decent ideas, I'm open to talking through them. I try to eat plenty of protein and fiber, and not cut my fat down too low. (I like having hair on my head.) My fat intake is about 30% of my diet. I eat lean meats 90% of the time. I try to keep my carbs moderate, but can't cut them too low because I start feeling nauseated and sick if I do. My averate stats are:

Edit: Adding on some pertinent information!

I really do eat vegetables. *laughs* I am at the tail end of my groceries though, and I ate the rest of my non-starchy vegetables yesterday. Since I couldn't go to the store, I just made due with what I had. As a norm though, I eat a lot of vegetables.

You know, about the fruits though- I just don't eat much fruit. I don't really know why that is. There are only a couple of fruits that I enjoy, and they aren't in season right now. So, I just stick to vegetables, unless you count my tomatoes. I eat a lot of those, and they are technically fruits. lol

There are some days when I eat saltier foods than others, and that could be a problem. I try to drink more water on those days, but I don't know how much that helps. I just figure that if I'm craving salt that bad, there is probably a reason for it. It could have something to do with all of the sweat pouring off of me at the gym. I don't know!

For those who have made note of my protein levels, all I have to say is that I might otherwise eat a horse... and they are protein too. *laughs* I have learned some important things about how I feel when I modify my diet, and it is that I will be going on an eating rampage if I don't have a satisfying amount of protein. As a general rule, I tend to eat about 1-2 lbs. of vegetables in a day (explains why I ran out. lol), but have to pair it with steady amounts of protein. To off-set the carbs, I don't generally eat bread products or potatoes on the same days that I am eating larger amounts of non-starchy vegetables. I notice that I tend to eat more bread products or potatoes on days when I am out of non-starchy vegetables, and I'm trying not to let my carbs get too low. If I get too low on carbs, I start to feel sick. It's a weird balance to try and strike.

All in all, I posted today's foods on my blog for me, and not to show y'all what I tend to eat. One day is a rather poor representation of overall nutrition. I just wanted to be able to easily see everything at a glance, particularly because I was trying to time my meals a certain way so I could survive the gym. lol

There is a good chance that I am probably eating too few calories on average. To be honest though, I'm not really sure where my calories should be while I'm working out this hard. My time at the gym seems to have really changed the game for me, and I don't know where I should be shooting for. I'm particularly confused about what my nutritional needs are as far as the weight-lifting is concerned, but I'm having little luck in finding good information. I might look into talking with a nutritionist, but they also seem to be all of a different mind, depending on who you talk to. I really just need some kind of baseline that I can begin to work with, and then modify depending on how my body feels.

Wednesday's Food

Meal 1:
Oatmeal w/ 2 oz. Almond Breeze
& 8 g. walnuts
1 c. coffee

Meal 2:
80 g. Chicken breast
159 g. green beans

Meal 3:
1 oz. Beef Jerky
3 oz. tuna fish
30 g. light ranch dressing
2 Wasa fiber crisps

Meal 4:
2 c. Turkey chili
5 FF saltine crackers

Meal 5:
2 eggs
2 slices light bread
1 yogurt cup w/ 8 g. walnuts

Calories: 1,225
Fat: 30%
Carbs: 34%
Protein: 35%
Fiber: 20 g.

Food Stupid & Snow

Yeah, see the numbers over there? *points to sidebar* I got a little stupid with food last night, and I'm a little angry about it. Do you ever want to shake yourself sometimes? According to FitDay, 2,000 calories is not an awful number of calories for me to eat- it'll just slow any weight loss to a crawl. That's not the big deal though. What bugs me is that I was done for the day, and then got some stupid urge to eat again anyway. Instead of being a sane person in control of her body, I followed that little voice in my head that was jealous of my husband eating Whoppers (malted milk balls) without me. Nothing good ever comes of that.

I have got to get over this silly thing, where I want what everyone else is having. To some extent, it is what helps me kick butt at the gym, because I want what other people have got there also. If other people are sweating and working hard, I am excited to do that with them. For such a solitary creature, I sure do tend to be rather social in my wants. When DH is eating such yummy things, I want to eat yummy things with him too. When I am done for the night, yet everyone else in the house is having a snack, I want to be a part of that too. Personally, I find that a little embarrassing. I don't like being a person who follows along, and yet I do it again and again. It just tastes bad in my mouth, like that gross metallic taste of sickness.

Well, yesterday is over, and it's time to get on with today. I've got plenty of things to keep me busy this afternoon, aside from getting my daughter through her school work. I will be so glad when we move on to the geometry and multiplication sections of her math book, because dragging her through 3+ digit subtraction with borrowing is tedious and painful. She knows how to do it, but doesn't like it. Hey, that sounds might familiar. *rolls eyes at self* Ya gotta do what ya gotta do though. I need to remember to practice what I preach.

We've been getting a good amount of snow today, and it ran through my mind that maybe I should stay home from the gym this evening. Then, I remembered the cashews, whoppers, and mini bagel with cream cheese that I ate yesterday. Oh yeah. Yup, I need to go to the gym, even if it means hiking uphill in the snow, barefoot, both ways. *chuckles* Thankfully, all I have to do is drive on some mushy roads and try not to slide into cars and snow piles. Besides, maybe other people have decided that it's too messy outside to go to the gym, and I can exercise with relative ease. There's nothing like trying to workout, but see that everyone in the city is at the gym right during your workout time. *sigh* I don't exactly resent the resolutioners, but I sure wish that they would be resolved on different days of the year- and not all at the same time. I want everyone to succeed, but maybe not take every single bike and treadmill in the place- you know? It would be much easier for everyone if folks came back to the gym a little at a time, instead of all trying to workout at once, just for January and February.

I decided to make at-home workouts new and exciting for me, for those days when I really can't get to the gym. Sometimes there is just no working around the fact that DH is on-call 24/7. His boss doesn't care if I need to hit the treadmill. *laughs* So, I bought some videos today! I got Jillian Michaels' '30 Day Shred' and The Biggest Loser "Cardio Max" and "Weight Loss Yoga". They were pretty cheap on Amazon, and I got free shipping for getting them all together. Now, I can get my butt kicked at home! Let's hope that I can do the yoga video without falling on my head, because I've never done anything like that before... and I'm not the most graceful person. At least I admit it. *wink*

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ants In My Pants

It is amazing what exercise does to a person. I am trying very hard to relax and take it easy today. My muscles are a little tired, but my body doesn't seem to care all that much. Instead, I feel like I have ants in my pants! It looks like I am going to have to set up the glider and walk while watching my news program, because I feel fidgety after sitting down and watching a few minutes of Dr. Oz on Oprah.

Though I feel the need to walk, I'm going to try and keep things slow. I really do want to rest a little bit. This is just a very strange feeling.

That Crappy Weigh-In I Promised

My dearest A-Team, here is the crappy weigh-in that I promised you. I'm having to log a gain of 1.5 lbs. this week. While I know that it's not fat, I feel bad that I am not contributing to the overall percentage of our team. The number would probably have been much better had I taken a rest day yesterday, instead of busting my arse at the gym. I admit it though- I'm a mite selfish. I wanted the hard work more than I wanted the lower number on the scale this morning.

I am wondering how long it will take for me to start seeing the scale move downward again. I know that I've got this fat and muscle teetering on a scale, and the muscle is going to win out. I just hate feeling like a hamster on a wheel, running real fast and not getting anywhere. I know that I am accomplishing good things, but they aren't very easy for me to see. I see me every day, so changes aren't as apparent. The only thing that I can readily see is that my biceps and shoulders are starting to look real tight. I've still got that pesky "flag" that wants to wave, but there is obviously a muscle in there. I'm starting to see a hint of definition between my shoulder and my bicep, and it gives me hope. *laughs*

Anyway, it's a bummer to work out so hard and not get "Biggest Loser" results. I fear that it may be my utter aversion to running until I puke. I did feel a mite nauseated while riding the bike last night though. I imagined that Jillian was next to me, snapping at me to get my ass moving faster. *laughs* After the bike, I went through my lifting. Between the hard workout on the bike and the intense weight-lifting, I felt really strange when I got on the treadmill. I was jogging at 5 mph, which is hard for me to do for any length of time. Only, I started to realize that it wasn't bothering me. I felt like I could just keep going forever. I probably would have stayed on for longer than a mile, but my bladder convinced me that it was time to get off the machine. That was really interesting though. I didn't feel as heavy on my feet as I normally do. My breathing was good and not labored. I thought that I would surely be utterly exhausted and dragging my feet on the treadmill. That was a pleasant surprise, enjoying a short jog.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Gym Buddy

Man, I could really use a gym buddy. I tell ya, sometimes I just want to grab one of those men that I see walking around the gym, and asking them if I could tag along and have a go at it. (I go to a "manly gym". Most girls stick to the treadmill for some reason.) It gets pretty old feeling like I'm alone in this. Of course, that's why I go to the gym in the first place. I like the people.

See that picture on my sidebar? I don't know about you, but I think that that lady has a beautiful body. I don't think that she is so muscular to no longer look feminine. I bet that when she isn't on the stage, and is wearing regular clothes, she's probably fits her clothes in a very attractive manner. I showed the picture to Sis, and told her that that was what I was working toward, something like that. When am I going to learn?? Her reply was to say, "I hope your joking."

I love my sister very much, and it is fun to be with her usually. I'm thinking that her lack of support may have been the death knell for any 'gym buddy' relationship that we may have gotten back into. I know what she wants for herself, and while it's not what I would choose, I'm all for helping her in being active enough to achieve it. I'd like to be able to make up my mind about some things without being put in a position of defending my desires, as though there is something wrong with them.

I am not a small girl. It doesn't matter how much I modify my diet, I am not going to be a fragile flower of a woman. More than that though, I've come to realize that what I want for my outside is a reflection of what is on my inside. I am less the lamb, and more the lioness. To be blunt, driving myself hard does some incredible things to my body chemistry, and it's addictive. I need something to chase, some kind of goal to pursue. It's not enough to mindlessly go through the motions in order to be "not fat". I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me. Sis certainly doesn't understand my desire to be anything other than "skinny".

I don't think that Sis is trying to be less than supportive. Maybe it is just in her nature. *laughs* I don't know. She wants to go to the gym with me because she wants to be pushed, but then she makes backwards comments about my own fitness because she can't keep up. I just want to laugh and tell her that she had better work harder if it means so much to her vanity that she be the skinniest of us girls. I know that it sounds catty, but it's just the irony of it all. She can probably outrun me any day, and I'm fine with that. I would expect that she has some areas where she is better able than I am. That doesn't make me any kind of failure. I wish that she would learn that, and stop flagellating me with her own insecurities.

Personally, I would love to have a gym buddy who was a little more fit than I am. I like to have someone push me that extra inch when I don't think I can give it. That's what I loved about being in the weightlifting class in highschool. There were only a couple of other girls, the rest were guys. They didn't treat me like a weak little girl, but got in my face and urged me to do a little more than I thought I could. It was wonderful. I'll do it all on my own if I have to, but I'd love to have someone to workout with who has that same fire in their belly.

The Spark

Over on his blog, The Anti-Jared talks about what motivated him to become real serious about being healthy. For him, the driving factor was fear. As I read his post, it got me thinking about why I do what I do. What is the motivation behind my food choices and determination to have a strong, healthy body?

The main reason that I am treating myself better is love.

I know that it sounds fluffy and mushy, and I almost want to roll my eyes while typing it. The truth of it is that for a long time, I didn't like myself all that much. I was ridiculed a great deal in school, and not treated any better at home. I felt that for so many people to seemingly have so much hatred for me, there must be something intrinsically wrong with me that made me unworthy of being loved by others.

I'm older and wiser now, and I've learned that sometimes people are just stupid human beings. That may sound mean or simplistic, but it's what I believe. Some people hurt others just because they can. Other folks simply say or do dumb things because they don't engage their brain before their mouth. I try to be much more forgiving of those folks, because I know that I tend to suffer from foot-in-mouth disease sometimes myself. The point is that just because I'm not beautiful to some people, that doesn't mean that I am worthless and unworthy of being loved. Just because my body doesn't always work like it's supposed, it doesn't mean that I don't deserve to be cared for.

A Pretty Ugly

I have naturally curly hair. It tends to frizz in high humidity. I have an olive cast to my skin that some people think looks sallow in the winter. My face is rather long. My lips are a bit thin. My teeth are big, and my smile is gummy. I still get pimples sometimes and struggle with dry and oily skin. My breasts are large, and far from "perky". I have stretch marks in many crazy places. I have scars across my rib cage, where my gall bladder was removed. My tummy is soft and squishy, particularly my lower belly. I have a nasty 6" scar that bisects my abdomen. It didn't heal well, and it's about 2" wide. My hips are large, as is my butt. My inner thighs flop around just like my arms do. My legs are crooked. My knees make horrific sounds when I walk or climb stairs. I have arthritis in my right knee. I have an auto-immune disorder that affects my blood, leaving me vulnerable to blood clots and a 90%+ fetal death rate for my children.

Well, there is my list. See all of the things that make me "less than" in some people's eyes? Now, let me say with utter conviction that I own it all, and I love it. I love me just the way that I am. I love the parts of me that God gave me, whether other people find me pretty or not. Even bigger still, I love all of my inside parts that don't work. I may be broken, but it doesn't make me worthless or 'less than'. I guess it makes me unique, because no one else can be broken in quite the same pattern as me. We all shine with the light of the Lord, and this is my one-of-a-kind signature.

I am so much more than the sum of my parts. I am more than the score of my intellect. I am more than how many steps I can take. I am more than the performance of my womb. I am a daughter of the King of Kings. He knows every flaw that I have, within and without- and yet He loves me. Who am I to believe the taunts of foolish children over what He thinks about me? Yes, I can love me too.

Part of loving me is claiming control over my own flesh. I can have the things that I enjoy in this life, so long as I love and care for this body of mine. There are so many things that I would like to try and experience, and a lot of them revolve around being fit enough to participate. I love me enough to want to give those things to myself, instead of damning me to a life sitting on the sofa and watching everyone else have fun. For that reason, I am aspiring to give everything 110%. This life isn't about calorie counting and time logged on a treadmill. Those are just vehicles to get me to a place where I can live with an overwhelming abundance. If I'm going to be a glutton, it's going to be in devouring every good thing that God has given us to enjoy on this earth.

You don't say...

I would be tempted to be grumpy with the scale, except that the body fat measurement was down. So, my weight is up, but the body fat number is lower. Interesting.

I have been working so hard this past week, and am going to just keep right on into this new week. My weigh-in number is probably going to be cruddy, but it means more to me to get to the gym and keep working hard. Though the number on the scale isn't going down, my clothes are fitting better. At the end of December, I had this pair of pants that actually hurt my hips when I buttoned them up, because they were tight. I'm wearing them today, and there is plenty of room for me to move all around in them. They don't squish me into a muffin shape, or anything like that. If anything, I'd say that they are a little too loose through the legs and bottom. So, while the number on the scale isn't going down, something good is happening.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Food Ickies

It seems incredibly weird that I started out being so hungry that I could eat a horse, and then I spent most of the afternoon out shopping, and didn't eat anything. *sigh* Now I'm having some ickies, a bit of a food emergency. It's nearly 9 o'clock, and I've eaten 649 calories. Yeah, that's only a grand less than I was wanting! *groans*

This morning, I had a serving of Kashi "Honey Sunshine" cereal with 3 oz. of Almond Breeze. Then, I had an egg on a piece of light toast, and it was much yumminess. I don't know if there are many things that I like more than a creamy egg yolk. That probably sounds gross, but it's true. Before I had to leave to meet my sister, I had a piece of dark chocolate.

I had a good time with Sis, poking through clothing racks at Dots. We picked out a bunch of things, tried them all on, and then giggled about how bad they were. It was like a game, putting on clothes and then popping out of the fitting rooms to show each other. In the end, I got two pair of leggings, one pair of cotton gym pants, a pretty yellow tank, 4 t-shirts, and a package of men's long tanks. That should get me through the whole summer. *grins* The men's tanks are basically to wear with something prettier, so I am properly covered. I like tunic length tops, but they aren't as common the smaller sizes now. Lane Bryant is all about tunic tops, but they are way too expensive to buy for the gym. Maybe one of these days I'll stop being so funny about having my butt covered. I don't know.

Here, I'll show you a picture of the funky tie-dye tank top that I picked out, simply for it's funkiness. lol Sis was going to get one too, but bailed on me at the last minute.

I'm really not hiding from the camera, by the way. I was just trying to get close enough to the mirror that you could see the top, and I cut off my own head! Sounds evil, doesn't it? lol

Alas, I should get off of here and try to eat a little bit more before it gets way too late. Talk to you tomorrow!

I Could Eat A Horse

I am so hungry! Really, it's like my stomach is going to implode if I don't put more into it. Eeek! I could eat a horse, and they are one of my most favorite fuzzy animals. Since I don't trust my hunger, I'm going to sip a cup of coffee and see if that doesn't make me a little more sane before I look to something that requires chewing and ingesting calories.

Boy, I am sore this morning. My legs are amazingly feeling pretty good. My soreness today is in my upper body. My arms and shoulders are tight, but really difficult to try and massage on my own. Since my body is so tight, I think that I am going to stick with a gentle exercise routine today. I should stretch as much as possible, get my crunches in, and maybe go for a nice long walk. It doesn't look so bad outside this afternoon, so long as I wrap up real good. I hate getting "brain freeze" from being outside.

I ate 1,636 calories yesterday, and I think that I'm going to stick to between 1,500-1,600 calories today also. I normally hang around 1,200 , but I want to feed myself better while my muscles are "resting". Tomorrow is going to be a full rest day, since my weigh-in is Tuesday. The scale does crazy things when I exercise hard, so I am trying to take that into consideration. I'm up 1/2 lb. since yesterday, even though I ate well. I figure that it is due to exercise and water weight. I don't know though. It's just a theory. *shrugs*

What I do know is that I need some better workout clothes. I have one pair of shorts to wear at the gym, and Sis was joking that she could see down their loose legs while I was on the squat machine. It's not really so funny though, because she could. I need something tighter, like a capri pant or long bike shorts. I can make due with some men's tank tops, since I can get them in "tall", which will cover more of me up. It's so awkward, needing something tighter that won't get caught on equipment, but not wanting anyone to see all that I've got. *laughs*

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Just Call Me "Stumpy"

I can't determine whether my legs have just fallen off, or whether they have turned into little trees. If they are indeed oak, I'm sure that I've sprouted roots. My legs feel immovable. *laughs* It's actually a good feeling.

My sister and I met up at the gym, though she was a little late. Late! The guy at the counter made conversation with me while I waited. I had to explain to him that I couldn't start my warm-up without her, because that would make her grumpy. I just like us starting at the same time, even if it means standing around like a dust bunny for a few minutes. Maybe it was to pass the time, but he started singing for me. *laughs* It was the most ridiculous falsetto voice, paired with awful music, which equals incredibly funny. I can tell that he gets bored, working alone at the counter all day.

When Sis showed up, we hit the bikes because everything else was full. I wanted a treadmill so bad, but it just wasn't happening. So, I made my wooden legs move in a circle for 27 minutes. It was supposed to be 30 minutes, but after Sis set her timer thing, I had to adjust the straps on the pedals. There's nothing so wonderful as loosing a pedal and having it whack ya. I did manage to get in 7 miles in that 27 minutes, which isn't bad considering that I was groaning when settling myself onto the seat to begin with.

After our bike time was up, Sis needed to go and sit in the locker room for a minute. She was feeling a little nauseated, and so I went to the mat to stretch once I knew that she was going to be alright. Then, once she was feeling better, I poked her and made her lift weight with me.

We stopped and worked outer and inner thighs first, and I put my usual 4 plates on. I need to up the weight though, because it was so easy that I almost couldn't control the weight. It didn't feel like I had any resistance at all. Then we went over to squat some weight, and Sis said that she couldn't do it. So, I asked her to count for me. I decided to work with as much weight as I could, that didn't feel like it was hurting. If I remember correctly, that was about 6 plates. I wish I knew how heavy that was, but they aren't labeled. I'll have to ask my buddy at the counter about that some time. It's easy to see improvement when I'm there, but that doesn't translate into numbers very well at home.

Having done enough lower body, we moved on. I hit the bench press after Sis, and she fussed at me a bit. She called me a "show off" for pushing 6 plates, while she did her sets with 1 plate. What am I supposed to do? Fake it? Pretend that I'm getting a good workout at lower weight levels to make her feel better? I'm sure that's not what she meant, but it bothered me that she would say that I was showing off. I just want to be strong, and look strong. The first time I ever lifted weights, I pressed 125 # on the bench. Why would I ever want to be content with putting up 20# or so? Anyway, I skipped the butterfly because of a previous injury to my sternum. I have to be incredibly careful with that motion, lest I hurt myself again. Instead, I went on to the seated row and lifted 6 plates. For all of my exercises, I made it really simple for myself and did 3 sets of 10.

When we were done with all of that stuff, we hit the mat and did 100 crunches. Sis doesn't like the way that I do crunches, apparently. She does hers slower, and does fewer of them. I don't think that I do mine that fast though! I just don't dilly-dally around. I also don't put my hands behind my head, because I don't want to even accidentally pull on my neck. I reach my arms out in front of me and reach for the wall. It gives me somewhere to put my arms, and it gives me a parallel point to tighten my pelvis up toward. I did get in all 100, even though Sis was overcome with a fit of laughter. She cracks me up sometimes. :o )

Changing Things Up

I'm changing things up a little today. I'm actually braving the cold and the snow to visit the gym, which is sure to be packed. I feel bad that the idea of 'resolutioners' at the gym makes me feel a little grumpy. I should be happy that they are trying to get healthy, instead of feeling disappointed that it makes it so much harder to get through my own exercises.

It will be nice to be on the treadmill again, instead of working on the glider. While the glider offers a walking motion, I can't run on it like I would a treadmill. I still get good exercise, and it is great for my legs, hips, and bottom. Running, however, uses my muscles in a different way. I'm not sure what kind of stamina I will have, being that my muscles are so tired. It will be nice to see though. My sister is going with me, and she enjoys some competition. I might as well use that aspect of her personality to push myself a little more, to hopefully burn through the tightness instead of giving into it.

Well, I need to get changed and do some stretches before I leave for the gym, so I had better get going. I'll post an update after I get back from the gym.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Great Aching Arse!

Wow. Just wow.

I think that my butt might fall off. If it does, there won't be anything to hold my wooden legs on. I'll be a stub from the waist down, I'm afraid.

I am so glad that I am done with my workout today! I started by stretching real well, though I'm not sure that I could feel any difference in pain or movement afterward. The squats were easier than I thought they were going to be, but that just means that I didn't fall on the floor and cry like a baby. My bad knee held up, and I just worked through the burn.

The standing rows weren't too bad, though I could shake myself for not taking off my rings. I'm not light, so holding all of that weight at my hands is hard enough without adding rings to the equation. I made it through though, and I didn't struggle too bad until I got to the last two. By that point, my tired muscles were getting grumpy.

For all of the moaning and groaning, at least I can say that having tight muscles looks nice. I put on some "skinny jeans" this morning, and my horrifically aching arse just looked smackable. I shucked them in exchange for a pair of DH's lounge pants to exercise in, but I'll put my jeans back on before he gets home. If the scale doesn't want to show me love, at least I know that he will! *cracks up*

I'm going to push it through Sunday, and then rest on Monday. Since my weigh-in is Tuesday morning, maybe that will encourage the scale to move. If not, I'm just toast with the numbers. Oh, how the numbers hate me lately. I am kind to me though, and just keep repeating, "You sexy woman you, it's just those nice sleek muscles that you're working. It'll all start showing on the scale eventually." Of course, then that little devil on my shoulder pokes me in the brain with a pitchfork and giggles, saying, "Bullshite!" We'll see.

Well, seeing as my dear daughter has finished her math, I think that I will give her the tv remote and retire myself to the bath for a half hour. A motrin and a tub of steaming hot water should make me feel as right as rain.

Very Aware

I am very aware of my bottom today, not to mention my thighs. My goodness, it feels good and hurts, all at the same time. Shame on me, but I haven't felt this sore in some time. I imagine that my workout later is going to hurt in a very sweet way. I had better stretch real good beforehand.

As anticipated, the scale hasn't moved. I think that I'm going to leave off with weighing myself until Tuesday morning. I need to weigh in then for the BLBE2 challenge, though I am far from any real competitor. At least it keeps me honest and motivated.

Today is going to be another lower-carb day. I didn't have a good start yesterday, but I did exercise hard after having the more carb rich meal in the morning. Since I'm better prepared, I've done a better job of making food choices this morning, and will have an easier time making later meal choices because of it.

I need, need, need to remember to drink more water today. I don't mean to forget, but I tend to naturally prefer the dehydration for some strange reason. I'll settle into the habit of not drinking much, and while I enjoy not needing to hurry off to the bathroom ever 20 minutes, it doesn't help my body flush toxins or drop water weight.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Lifting Me, Dropping Carbs

I did things a bit differently today, and I think that I'm pretty happy with how the day has gone. I wasn't sure what my game plan was as I was shuffling through the kitchen this morning, getting breakfast on the table. Since Pumpkin wanted cereal, I poured her some Raisin Bran, and I poured myself a serving of Kashi "Honey Sunshine". This is the second morning that I've had the Kashi cereal, and I seem to like it more each time. I hope that it won't be difficult for me to find at the store when I go next. Shopping for healthier foods can be like that for me, which can be frustrating. Every time I start to like something, the store stops carrying it. lol

This afternoon, I spent some time looking for better nutritional information pertaining to building muscle. There seems to be very little information out there that is geared toward women who want to sculpt their bodies. Everything seemed to point me at female bodybuilding sites (which are helpful), but they were smutty. Ugh. Why is it that all of the female bodybuilding sites include a bunch of webcam links and such for "adults"? Where are the normal women who sculpt and build their bodies?

Getting my bottom out of my chair, I got in my workout while Pumpkin was doing some independent science reading. Man, I am feeling the squats. I had forgotten how long it's been since I've done any. It was also humbling to try the Australian Pull-ups, as I could only do three. Granted, I had already done my standing rows, so my muscles were pretty tired. It is also hard trying to pull up that much of my own body weight, but it was still hard to swallow that my limit was three.

DH wanted hamburgers tonight, so we cooked together this evening. DH found a site that had instructions on how to make a pseudo-McDonald's hamburger, and that is what we did. Since I was cutting back on the carbs, I had my burger wrapped in lettuce. DH was wonderfully happy with the hamburgers though. Later this evening, I did have to suppliment my diet with a snack. I made a lettuce tuna wrap with tuna and light ranch dressing, and chased it with a stick of string cheese. Though I haven't eaten as much today, I feel much more satisifed than I have been lately. It feels good to be getting ready for bed, and not wanting to gnaw my own arm off. lol

Well, I had better get myself off to said bed. It's going to be interesting to test my muscles tomorrow, after having used them a bit today. Good night, blog!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Sofa King Sore

I've been moving furniture, after shoveling a bunch of snow. I'm pretty sure that my arms are barely hanging on, and are about to fall off. As I was carrying couches last night (DH was helping as much as he could, but he's been real sick), I was actually shaking. Shaking!! I put the big sofa on my back, and all DH had to do was keep it tilted up enough that the end cleared the ground as I walked it to the back yard. The loveseat was more difficult though, because DH was feeling his masculinity sting, so he wouldn't let me carry the other sofa like that. Instead, we each carried one end. With the weight on my arms and shoulders, I barely made it to the back yard. My arms were shaking so hard, I was pretty sure that I'd end up busting my legs or feet with a couch. Somehow, I kept my fingers wrapped around the legs of the couch though.

When I went to bed last night, my shoulders were so sore. I had already been sore from shoveling the snow by myself. We have a corner lot, so there is a lot of sidewalk to clear, and I couldn't get the blower out of the shed. The locking closure was somehow stuck, and I couldn't get it open. So, I huffed and puffed my way through clearing the walks. I got it all done in 30 minutes, but my back started to feel tight. Now, I haven't been worried, because none of this soreness is spinal. I didn't hurt myself, but I think that I've been using some muscles differently. I am feeling this muscle fatigue through the backs of my shoulders, across the scapula, and wrapping around my ribs. I feel tight, strong, and have been standing much straighter! Ah, but I'm as weak as a newborn kitten. See? Arms- falling off.

I am wanting to exercise good and strong today, and I think that means that I'll find something that is mainly lower-body. To be quite honest, I feel that I really need to be working out real hard right now because the scale isn't moving. I'm seeing lots of other improvements in size, shape, and health... just not so much on the scale. I just figure that eventually, I am going to break through that wall. I will have worked my muscles to a level where I am metabolizing more fuel due to muscle mass, and that will push me further along on this journey. I know that because of my build, I'm starting to reach a point where muscle-building and fat loss is teetering some invisible scale. My scale can't help me understand exactly what is going on under the skin. I supposedly have a scale that measures body fat, but it has never worked properly from the day that I got it. I probably could have spent more money and bought a better scale, but it didn't seem that important. Really, I STILL think it's not that important. *laughs* I just need to stop viewing my weight as an indicator of success and health.

My husband was surprised to hear that I am interested in woman's bodybuilding. I would probably never get very far, because I value definition and beauty over size, but I think that I would like to at least try my hand at one competition. That is pretty far off in the distance though, and I may change my mind about wanting to put on a tiny bikini and get oily. The training though, it sounds like a lot of fun.

In addition to increasing my strength training, I would love to take Krav Maga. I wouldn't say that it is what most people typically think of when they think about martial arts. There are no competitions and shows where people break boards. Krav Maga basically trains someone to survive. It is used by the Israeli army, because they need to always be prepared to fight in tight places, particularly fending off knife and gun assaults. This is very appealing to me! I really enjoyed self-defense classes, and this seems like a logical next step up from learning how to break holds and such. I also like that while you do earn your belts, there are no set competitions. I don't care about that sort of thing, just being able to stand a fighting chance at protecting myself and my family if someone tried to do harm to us. If they could teach me how to kill an attacking dog before it completely removes my arm, that would be a plus. I hate to say it, but we walk around with quick-open knives when enjoying an afternoon walk. You never know about weirdos, and we've been trailed by some mean dogs before. No one should have to give their kid instructions on how and when to run for help while Mama "distracts" a nasty pit bull.

In the meantime, I am just working on eating a clean diet and working my muscles. I'd like to get back to the gym more often, but that might just have to wait until the weather is better. If there is anything that I like less than parking in the dark back lot by myself, it's doing so in the snow. *sigh* It all just makes me long for the spring. Then I can walk and jog in the park, and just go to the gym to heft weights. Even then, if the weather is nice, I can lift more at home and push the car around for exercise. *laughs*

Monday, January 19, 2009


Goodness, I'm feeling dumpy today. I had a massive headache last night, and I thought my eyeballs were going to fall out of my head. So, of course the totally logical thing to do is to eat a little more. Oh yeah, that makes total sense. *rolls eyes* Blah.

I didn't totally go stupid last night, but I did eat more than I had wanted to for the day. I'm just frustrated on so many levels, with so many things. It's been a very manic weekend. There was the happy number on the scale, which now looks to be a complete fluke. That's pretty crushing, when added up with all of the other melodrama that is life these days.

On one hand, I am glad that I am doing as well as I am. During other times, when I was stressed I would eat everything in sight. I'm ok with small stresses. When Grandma died though, I ate nearly all of Pumpkin's Halloween candy. Oh, I just sat there and ate myself silly until I was pretty positive that I was going to puke. That didn't stop me from stuffing a few more mini candy bars in my face though. Suffice it to say that I have horrific coping skills... but I am working on it.

My mom sent me a text message yesterday, telling me that she loves me. I couldn't call her or write her anything back. What is there to say? I don't believe her. That would hurt her feelings, but I know darned well that love is a verb. It's not some fuzzy feeling and birds singing melodiously in the background. She isn't loving me right now, and there isn't even any point in talking about it with her. She's not going to change because I tell her that she's hurting me. She doesn't care about that. If she cared about whether she hurt people or not, she wouldn't have stolen pills and tried to kill herself in front of her daughter and grandson. She's just a selfish, selfish woman. It makes me want to scream and throw things. I'm not that kind of person though. Maybe I should be. I'm sure that the gals who scream and throw things probably don't sit and cry into a bag of cookies.

Like I said though, I'm haven't completely lost it. I am still working hard, though I need to cut the nuts out of my diet for a while. They are too salty, and it's too easy to eat a ton of calories if I'm not careful. So, I'm going to just stop buying them for a couple weeks or so. I need to at least hold off until I feel a little more sane, and a little less like my head is going to pop off.

*sigh* I'm just tired today. I feel a bit like a headcase. Really, when I was picking out my clothes this morning, I thought to myself that I should grab my baggy jeans and a sweatshirt because my sister is coming by today. How messed up is that? Ugh.

I need a vacation.

Sunday, January 18, 2009


Dehydration smacked me on my scale this morning! It hurt a little bit, but I kind of knew that it was coming. At least, it was expected. With sitting in the cold car for so long, hanging out in the store to stay warm, and all of that good stuff- I didn't get anywhere near my amount of water in for the day. I only had about 1 1/2 c. coffee and about 6 oz. of diet coke for the day, until I got home. I think that I managed to drink about 2 cups of water, but that was it.

I'm working on the dehydration thing today, though I won't see any scale love until Tuesday or so. My knee is feeling pretty good this morning, so I'm going to exercise this afternoon. The swelling is all gone, though I feel a tiny twinge of soreness. One small 200 mg. Motrin for maintenance should be enough to get me through the exercising without too much inflammation.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Darn You, Arthritis!

It is way too late to be writing on a blog right now, especially with church in the morning. However, I have to confess that I did no exercise today. DH and I picked out a sofa and a chair for the living room... and then he got called to an emergency flood at work. We were close, so he took us with him, and then Pumpkin and I wandered around Kmart until he was ready to head home.

Between the cold and the walking through Kmart, my knee is wreaked. Ugh. It is much ugliness and very swollen. The dumb thing started hurting so bad that even my foot started to hurt. So, I took some Motrin and got to work trying to warm up my knee and massage the fluid out of the area. It's now midnight, and I am finally able to walk alright again, though I'll need to take some more Motrin in a minute, before I go to bed.

Sometimes, exercising and working hard causes me to forget how wimpy some parts of me are. I start to feel all strong and invincible, and then I end up hobbling around and breathing through my teeth. I don't like the feeling, and I don't mean the pain. Pain happens. I've been dealing with pain in my legs for as long as I can remember. Crooked legs does that to a girl. I can't stand that feeling of being weak and confined. I used to kind of enjoy being coddled when I was pregnant and truly unable to even get out of bed. A part of me is really chaffing at feeling unable now, and the other part of me is just surprised by my own feelings! Sure, I wouldn't turn down my husband if he wanted to cook me dinner, rub my feet, bathe me in luxurious bubbles... or anything else so extraordinarily wonderful. (Not that that would ever happen, let me just say. I just had one of those moments. lol) It just makes me gag to feel like I have to ask for simple things, like a glass of water.

Down, pesky pride! Down, I say!

I did eat today. I didn't get much of a chance to document my food choices today, but I did ingest some perfectly substantial food stuffs. DH took us out to breakfast, and I had the "1/2 special". Write me down for 1 egg, 1 slice of toast, 2 sausage links, and a couple bites of steamed hashbrowns with ketchup. I really love potatoes, but I just wasn't enthused about them today. That's a good thing, since I don't usually eat such a heavy breakfast, and it would have only made things unpleasant.

There was no food for me until we got home, many hours later. I ate another 1/3 of the pasta from last night. It wasn't much, but it was enough- if you know what I mean. Then I had some evening snacks. There was 5 oz. raw cucumber with FF sour cream dip, 1 oz. of peanuts, and about 45 grams of chocolate chex. That stuff is way too yummy. Because my calories were coming in too low, I later had some SF angel food cake with SF cherry topping. All in all, I'm logging 1,415 calories for the day. It seemed like a lot more when I was eating it, but I didn't have much time to eat once we got home. Breakfast was more like a brunch at 12:30 pm, and then we didn't get home until around 7pm or so.

My game plan for tomorrow is something like this:

  • Eat around 1,400 calories
  • Drink so much water that I pee like a pregnant woman
  • Enjoy myself at church
  • Exercise for a good, solid 40 mins. or so
  • Eat a couple Motrin
  • Make many of my calories come from cauliflower and yellow squash, before it goes bad!

Eeee!!! The Squeal Heard Round The World.

DH says that he should feed me fettuccine alfredo more often. *laughs* With my rest day after exercising, and then eating some more substantial food, the number on the scale was super-fabulous today! I guess DH could see it in my big 'ole grin when I can prancing into the bedroom, jumping around naked. Heehee....

I am now 3 lbs. lighter than I was before. The scale said 198 and I got off of it, and reset it. Then I hopped back on again. Same number. Same number!! I am in the 100's for the first time in years. Oh, it feels SO GOOD to be back. While it's embarrassing to admit that I allowed myself to get so heavy while grieving my son, it feels wonderful to say that I have lost 50 lbs. . That's how big my 7 year old is. It's like birthing a second grader!

I'm going to go and smile until my face hurts now. *grins* I'll catch all you gals later. We've got to go shopping for a new sofa. Our sofa is about 10 years old now, and is little better than a pillow tossed on the floor. I'll come visit all of your bloggie friends after I do some tough negotiating with sales people, dazzling them with my big toothy smile. Muah! XOXO

Friday, January 16, 2009

Today's Food

We had dinner at Applebee's tonight, which is a special treat. We had a gift card to use, and we were feeling more than a little stir-crazy lately.

DH talked me into getting the Chicken Fettucine Alfredo with Broccoli. His reasoning was that it is my most favorite thing, and I haven't had any in.... hmmm.... I can't remember. It's been that long. We got some nachos, and I had a few of them. I was careful to eat just a few of them. Then, I ate all of the broccoli out of my entree', and just picked at a little of the noodles. While trying to calculate the calories, I guessed that I ate about 1/3 of the noodles. I'm not so sure about that though. I think that I ate less than that, but I'd rather overestimate.

All in all, I'm just glad to be doing better today than yesterday. I didn't quite make it to 1,000 calories, unfortunately. Combine that with having worked off about 500 calories, and it means that I completely bombed. So, while today hasn't been perfect, it hasn't been awful either. Hopefully I'll be back to my more cheerful and purposeful self soon.

Changes For The Day

I had originally planned on exercising today, but I'm just not feeling like it. *shrugs* I exercised so long yesterday that I feel a little joint-sore and tired. As soon as I felt better last night, I did go ahead and stop working out. I was also calm enough to eat something, so I had a granola bar and an ounce of peanuts. I know that it's not a real meal, but it was substantial enough to keep me going while I talked with my grandparents until 1 o'clock in the morning. After I said goodnight to grandma, I went to bed and found that my dear husband had turned on the heating pad and was using it to warm up my side of the bed. He knows how cold I am when trying to get to sleep, and that was a nice balm to my frayed emotions. I'm a little surprised, but I slept pretty well last night.

I'm going to relax today, and just take care of what needs attention. I have plenty of vegetables to eat today, so that is going to be my goal for this afternoon. I'm going to eat well and take my time in getting things done, trying to keep my mind and body as relaxed as possible. Generally, when I get too upset, my guts get in a twist, and I end up feeling sick for a couple of days. I think that all of the exercise helped with that 'fight or flight' situation, so I'm physically feeling alright. Now I just need to keep my head on straight, unless I want to end up exercising real hard again today. It doesn't sound appealing.

When I stepped on the scale this morning, it read the same as yesterday. I didn't expect anything different, since the scale doesn't move for me when I'm working out.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

done for the night

Sorry, my teammates. I know what I'm supposed to do for myself, but I'm just done tonight. My sister called to tell me that our mom stole medication from her bathroom and overdosed herself on my sister's medicine tonight. She's in the I.C.U. right now.

I know that I'm not even close to what I was trying to eat today, but I can't stomach a thing now. I can't say that I'm sad right now, though I'm worried. My uncle killed himself seven years ago. I know what all of this is, and how it destroys families. My mom knows that too, and promised all of us children that she'd never do something like that to us. I am so overcome with my feelings of betrayal and anger. I feel grief, but it is being overwhelmed by absolute and blinding anger. No. Rage. I feel like I could tear the world apart with my bare hands right now.

I don't know what else to do with myself, so I'm going to exercise. If I don't burn this off, I'm going to just make myself sick. I'm already shaking, and need somewhere to put it all.

I'm a Slug

I really am trying to get my food in today! I know that it doesn't look like it, but I was such a slug this morning. I slept a whole bunch because my dreams were just too good to give up when the alarm went off. It's all of the exercising! It makes my hormones crazy, which makes me crazy. Them nutty hormones have me tripping around in my head with fantastical dreams of ... nevermind. *cracks up* Have I mentioned that my husband is so gorgeous that I think he's downright beautiful? Ugh. Someone throw me in a hole, and don't let me back out until I'm sane again!!!

Anyway, this slug has a lot of food to eat. That is the easy part. Not eating a bunch of junk to "make up" for my laziness- that is the harder part. I ate too late last night, and so my breakfast was completely wimpy. I'm only now starting to feel actual hunger, and it's darned near dinner time! Eek!

I've got some ground turkey thawed, and that is going to magically transform itself into some taco meat. At least, that is what I wish it would do. I guess I should help it along this time, so it will know how to please me the next time I ask for a miracle. (Oh, the laziness doesn't end today!) I have that turkey, some refried beans, vegetables, and cheese. Once I crisp up a flour tortilla or two for myself, the world will be right again, and I'll be closer to normal for the day.

In the meantime, I had better finish my cauliflower and soup.

Happy Morning to You!

I am having a happy morning also! Yesterday was my rest day, and it felt good to relax. Not only that, but it felt good to wake up this morning, step on the scale, and see a different number! I'm down another 1/2 lb. , which isn't much, but feels like something huge. I am just so glad to be another step closer to one to one of my goals.

In another 2.5 lbs., I will have reached a mark of 50 lbs. lost. I will also have reached a status of "overweight" and the 100's. See why it means so much to me? I don't mean to be impatient, and I'm not usually such a headcase about these things, but it makes me crazy to sit on the precipice.

I feel very encouraged and uplifted by that small little move in the scale! I feel so invigorated that I'm willing to give it up for a few day. That probably sounds funny, but I don't know what my body is going to do when I start exercising hard again. I'll have to keep all of this in mind and take a rest day or two before my weigh in. Otherwise, I don't know that I'd get a very truthful reading on the scale.

Today is going to be a much busier day, which is good for me. I'm going to get my exercise in and really whoop up on it. Maybe I'll go for another 3 miles, instead of the 2. We'll see. It all depends on how bad my arthritis in my knee is going to bug me. These really bitter days make me hurt more than usual, though I can't say why. I'm reluctant to look into it all, partially because I like to pretend that my knee isn't as jacked as it is. I feel a little sheepish about it, but come on- I'm only 28 years old. I just know that I have to keep moving if I want to be able to walk on it, particularly since I wasn't able to get things straight with the insurance people so I could get that special custom brace. Maybe it's for the best anyway. It would have just hurt, which would have discouraged me from exercising. I had no silly pipe dreams that the brace would "fix" me, and I'm not letting any doctor break my legs. So, it seems the most reasonable thing to just try and do all of the things that I really want to do, but with a little creativity.

Anyway, I'm sure that explains why I do a lot of walking on the glider. It doesn't impact my knees, and that ensures that I can walk for the rest of the day. Otherwise, I tend to swell up like an overstuffed sausage. I am feeling pretty excited about getting physically fit enough to pull out my erg again though. Oh, how I wish that I could row. It is so beautiful, being out there in the morning as the sun comes up and sparkles off the water. I never did care about competitions, but it was so nice just to be out there with the girls, moving through the water. If I thought that I wouldn't drown myself, I might think about buying a boat.

All this thinking on boats makes me contemplate what I'm going to enjoy doing, not just for exercise, but just for the fun of doing it. While I can't afford anything fancy, maybe I'll take a trip to the kayak shop with my sister's in-laws this summer. I think that I would really enjoy padding around through the waterways that snake all together in this area. Being thinner opens up all sorts of opportunities for new experiences!

Ok, I'm getting back on track now. I had reached a fitness slump and was too overweight to safely use my erg before. So, now I am better able to use it again. Rowing is a great way to exercise the whole body. You need to have a strong core, so as not to hurt your back. A woman's largest muscle groups, in the lower body, are the driving force with rowing. I have to say that it also sculpts some killer arms, shoulders, and back muscles. Hey, all of that on a slide track that removes impact on the knees, and it's wickedly awesome. Truthfully, it makes me wonder why eliptical machines are the dolls of the gym right now.

Alrighty, that is enough chattering. Pumpkin is done with science, phonics, and free reading. I feel good about giving her a break... so I can go exercise. We can do math once I'm tuckered out.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


So, after kicking my own butt for about 45 minutes yesterday and getting in my 20 standing rows, I was back at it last night. While I was watching "The Biggest Loser", I decided to get a walk in. I kept moving for a little over 30 mins. before I decided that my calves needed to rest. They feel like they are cut from rock today!

Today is a day of rest for me. I am going to focus on drinking lots of water and eating moderate amounts of food. Instead of exercising, I'm going to do a lot of stretching today. Doing some massage on my calves couldn't hurt either, while I'm caring for my muscles.

What I'm not doing today is pushing myself. I'm going not weighing my food, nor putting it into fitday. I'm going to just take it easy, using my eyes and my brain when choosing meals. I'm going to space my meals by drinking plenty of water, and by only eating when I am truly hungry.

I'm getting in the word today, and will be spending a lot of time reading my bible. I'm going to take extra time in helping Pumpkin through her story-problems in math. All of the things that I tend to try and hurry through, I'm going to take my time with today. Then we are going to go to church this evening.

My goal for today is to gift myself with a day of true rest. I'm resting my mind by not fussing with numbers all day. I'm rest resting my body by caring gently for it, but still keeping it moving carefully through my daily chores. I'm resting my spirit in the Lord.

Tomorrow is another day, and I can be all fierce and determined then. Now is my time for quiet meditation and soothing all the facets of me.

Oh, and the scale still hasn't budged, not that I expected it to. It never seems to move so long as I am working real hard.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Ooo... I'm grumpy today! I know that I shouldn't be, but I am. I have worked hard this week and done everything "right", and yet the scale still doesn't move. It's not really a bit deal, truthfully. Still, I want to act like a child for a moment and just stomp my feet and yell for a minute.

Edit ( 3:30 p.m.):

Let me just say that I was more than a little grumpy. I was flat-out pissed off. There are just those days, you know? Whether it was logical or not, I was angry and perfectly ready to lash out. The worst part is that I lash out at myself, and I hurt me in such awful ways. I sat in my chair, and I was thinking about the food in the kitchen. I suddenly wanted all of the different kinds of foods that I haven't been eating, because they won't help me meet my goal. I'm not even a very restrictive eater! There is no reason to want to binge, because I don't truly have a "no" list. I don't think that was the point though. It just felt like I needed to indulge because I wasn't getting anywhere anyway. It was all 100% emotional, completely over a cliff and far from logical. This is the little voice that gets me into so much trouble.

As I was being mentally lured with junk, a more powerful voice piped up. It said, "Hey, be angry all you want. Take that anger and drive it into the ground." So, I changed clothes, put on my running shoes, and I decided to exercise instead. Yeah, I was still pissed off. I had a bad attitude with every stride, just steaming. Somewhere along the way though, it all burned off. By the time I was done running myself into the ground, I felt much better. My head was clearer. My legs are sore and my shoulders burn, but I feel GOOD.

Instead of feeling depressed and hopeless, I am feeling strong this afternoon. While I was huffing and puffing and working through the dreaded stitch in my side, I started to feel all of my muscles moving. Even though my calves and thighs were on fire, it felt delicious as though the burning was eating through the burning anger that been threatening to eat me up. I wobbled off the machine and went to do my standing rows, feeling the muscles in my back, arms, and shoulders all shake. I enjoyed that instead of punishing myself with food or starving myself, I was channeling the emotions into something that would help make me more like the strong woman that I see behind my eyelids.


Monday, January 12, 2009


Today has been a pretty good day. While Pumpkin was doing her free reading, I hopped on my XL Glider and walked myself a couple of miles. I went right into taking on the stairs, and boy that was hard! My legs were already tired, but I made it through the stairs. I think that I will have to take it a little easier with that for my other days of stairs, since my knee started to bug me. I'll just give myself a little rest period before tackling the stairs next time.

I broke up my standing rows today, doing them in two sets of ten, spaced out with a large rest period. Next week, I will do all of my rows during one session. The angle and weight was new for me, and I didn't want to accidentally hurt myself during my first day of rows.

Food has been good today. I was a little disappointed that dinner was so beige, but I needed to use up the leftovers that we had. I will try to get in more color into my diet tomorrow.

I went to the grocery store this evening, since the weather is turning bad for the next few days, and I don't want to go out in it. I have plenty of cabbage, yellow squash, cauliflower, and cucumbers now! Yum!

My weigh-in is tomorrow morning, so I'm hoping that things are going to turn out well for me. I haven't been making much of any change this week. I've been within my calorie allotment every day, and have been exercising almost daily. Hopefully things will start moving again after this week's "gift" has gone. Maybe this is good for me though, having to work hard at it, learning to be content with small changes. My lack of patience is certainly not a virtue, and it won't help me keep the weight off. One of these days, I'm going to have to get used to playing with the same 5-10 lbs. without getting frustrated and without losing focus and allowing myself to pack the pounds back on.

Alrighty, that's enough chatter about this stuff now. I need to finish my evening snack and spend more time with my lovies.