Current Happenings

Monday, January 19, 2009

Dumpy

Goodness, I'm feeling dumpy today. I had a massive headache last night, and I thought my eyeballs were going to fall out of my head. So, of course the totally logical thing to do is to eat a little more. Oh yeah, that makes total sense. *rolls eyes* Blah.

I didn't totally go stupid last night, but I did eat more than I had wanted to for the day. I'm just frustrated on so many levels, with so many things. It's been a very manic weekend. There was the happy number on the scale, which now looks to be a complete fluke. That's pretty crushing, when added up with all of the other melodrama that is life these days.

On one hand, I am glad that I am doing as well as I am. During other times, when I was stressed I would eat everything in sight. I'm ok with small stresses. When Grandma died though, I ate nearly all of Pumpkin's Halloween candy. Oh, I just sat there and ate myself silly until I was pretty positive that I was going to puke. That didn't stop me from stuffing a few more mini candy bars in my face though. Suffice it to say that I have horrific coping skills... but I am working on it.

My mom sent me a text message yesterday, telling me that she loves me. I couldn't call her or write her anything back. What is there to say? I don't believe her. That would hurt her feelings, but I know darned well that love is a verb. It's not some fuzzy feeling and birds singing melodiously in the background. She isn't loving me right now, and there isn't even any point in talking about it with her. She's not going to change because I tell her that she's hurting me. She doesn't care about that. If she cared about whether she hurt people or not, she wouldn't have stolen pills and tried to kill herself in front of her daughter and grandson. She's just a selfish, selfish woman. It makes me want to scream and throw things. I'm not that kind of person though. Maybe I should be. I'm sure that the gals who scream and throw things probably don't sit and cry into a bag of cookies.

Like I said though, I'm haven't completely lost it. I am still working hard, though I need to cut the nuts out of my diet for a while. They are too salty, and it's too easy to eat a ton of calories if I'm not careful. So, I'm going to just stop buying them for a couple weeks or so. I need to at least hold off until I feel a little more sane, and a little less like my head is going to pop off.

*sigh* I'm just tired today. I feel a bit like a headcase. Really, when I was picking out my clothes this morning, I thought to myself that I should grab my baggy jeans and a sweatshirt because my sister is coming by today. How messed up is that? Ugh.

I need a vacation.

5 comments:

Kari said...

whoa. I'd love to read your blog but with that background I'm gonna end up with a headache.

♥ Dee ♥ said...

It is tough to read, isn't it, Kari. I find it causes major eyestrain, too.

Squish... man, I just want to wrap my arms around you and squish all the blah out of you! You are a bright spot of sunshine in a demented dysfunctional family.

Keep fighting the good fight. You are raising the bar.

Me, Only Better said...

I hope things get better for you soon. Allow yourself a blah day, but then get back up on the horse tomorrow!

Graciela said...

I feel so bad for you and your situation with your mom. It makes my personal situation with mine seem almost normal. :)

Hang in there. Eating crap might make you feel better in the short run, but not in the long run. Let yourself feel blah, just don't remedy that blah feeling with food.

Take care.

Losing Myself said...

I wish I had something wise and witty to say that would make you feel all better, but I don't. So I am sending you a BIG HUG and will be praying for you.