Current Happenings

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Frustrated by Fragility

Sometimes I feel like I'm just about to come unleashed, and it's not a pretty thing. I have a rather excitable temper, though I have some success in keeping a handle on things. I'm feeling a little frayed around the edges though.

This probably sounds a mite strange, but my physical limitations are making me angry. I pulled my shoulder last night. I rowed that afternoon, but nothing overly strenuous. I was trying to save my knees enough to get through a yoga workout. Since I have that weak spot through my range of motion, I have to be careful unless I actually desire to dump myself on my head. So, now not only is my knee tender, but my shoulder is hurting. It pisses me off. I'm trying to very carefully check myself, because my urge is to push through the pain to get what I want anyway- even though it will hurt me more. It's a character flaw that I am a stubborn, selfish woman. *laughs* I want to be stronger than this, and my will and temper are bigger than my commonsense from time to time. All of these raging hormones don't help any.

I'm feeling angry with my limitations today, mainly this tainted blood of mine. My feelings are unfair and cruel. The small hurts are just compounding larger pains that already have me frustrated. Because I'm in pain, I feel like lashing out because crying just makes my head hurt and my nose run. Maybe it is that 'fight or flight' syndrome or something, but only hard exercise makes me feel better. I can't fight my bad blood. I can't fight my frustrations any more than I can strangle my own dreams and insane urges. The only thing left to me is to run. So, I'll run until my heart feels ready to explode, and then run farther.