Those Little Worries
I am feeling much better today, after having had a long conversation with my little sister last night. I know that things are going to be different, but maybe it will be a good sort of different. I'm using that thought to be a balm to my nerves, because I am just one of those people who doesn't do change very well. I get things into an order that makes me happy, and then I live in that place for as long as possible. Sure, I still worry that I'll wake up each morning to find crayons stabbed through my zucchinis and tomatoes used as fingerpaint on the walls. I worry that we won't be able to afford the fresh vegetables and other foods that I've learned to love in an effort to be healthy. I worry that we'll be back to $0.35 boxes of Mac & Cheese in order to feed, clothe, and house all of us. It's not that LS (Little Sister) is completely without income, because her husband works. He just doesn't send home enough money for his family to survive. She had to hawk some of her DVD's this week to buy milk for her son. So, we can't count on him sending enough money to meet the added need that we have in caring for LS and her son.
Instead of getting caught up in this place of worry, I'm going to look at all of the great opportunities that this will give us. LS is at her wit's end because she is alone all of the time, and her stress causes her to let her son do things that he shouldn't. LS and I will be good company for one another, and we get along pretty well. She understands that I am a little overbearing and stubborn, and I understand that she is practically an exact opposite of me. Instead of getting in the way of our friendship, we seem to fit together like good puzzle pieces. We will be good companions, and that will help her to feel much better, and make the children happier too.
With the coming of spring, LS and I can take the kids out for walks or just go outside and play games with them. The kids won't be so lonely, because they won't FEEL like only-children. We will all have greater opportunities to be active, and share that with one another. When we do need time alone to focus on specific tasks or goals, the other will be able to watch the children and provide that time. Since LS is in rather poor health, I think that even just companionship and exercise will go a LONG way in helping her to feel so much better.
Lastly, we love children. That may not be readily evident by my worry over LS's son, Boo. We have one daughter. We have had to bury our two sons, and that has scarred me in a horric way. There is no way for us to have more children, aside from adoption or having someone offer to carry a baby for us. Both of those things cost a lot of money upfront. I am so used to just having Pumpkin here, so this will be a big change for us. We'll now have Boo, and his siblings will be visiting frequently. (They live with their father right now.) Our house will be rather lively with children, and that will be nice. I'll probably develop some kind of year-long headache, but it will be nice to cuddle children, play with them, and all of that good stuff. I don't know that there is anything better than hearing a child squeal my name and tackle me with their excitement to see me. I know that DH feels the same way. He gets the cutest look on his face when Boo starts hollering his name and grinning.
It was raining when I woke up this morning. It has been very warm here, and now the weather folks are saying that this could cause flooding. It doesn't seem that bad though. The only thing that bugs me is that it is so gray. I can't stand living in twilight. It makes me sad, and causes me to feel dumpy and eat more. So, I'm going to turn on all of the lights today.
I have a higher calorie day planned for today. I want to spend some good, solid time in exercise this afternoon. My basic plan is to use the erg to row for 30 minutes at a moderate pace. Then, I want to do my "Biggest Loser" yoga DVD. I haven't done it yet, because I have no balance. *laughs* I worry that I'll fall on my head, but I want the opportunity to work my muscles real good without all of the typical bouncing around that comes with many cardio exercises.
I'm feeling pretty optimistic this morning. I think that I have my head in the right place, and now I just need to get my intensity on. I stepped on the scale this morning, and it is sitting at about 197.5 lbs. for the day. I'd like to make that an even 197 sometime this week, or even 196. I'm not so picky! *laughs* Though the scale is moving slowly, at least it is moving a little bit. Every half-pound is one more step closer to a more comfortable and energetic Squish. I'm also vain enough to say that it's one more step closer to being able to pick up sexy "intimates" off the rack at whichever store is my choice. *grins* Hey, having a big bottom is detrimental to shopping for these things that look so cute.... but then won't slide down over my butt. Come the warmer weather, I'd love to be slender and fit enough to buy little whisps of nothing that I can wear to bed. Some girls want to be ready for "bikini season", but I don't wear that sort of thing. I guess this is my replacement. *grins*
The lowest weight that I've gotten to, since the day that I started making babies, is 184. Since I'm not short and have somewhat broad hips and shoulders, that looked pretty good on me. I was still a bit squishy, but not so much that it interfered with anything that I wanted to do. I'm looking forward to "nickel and diming" my way past that weight though. I want to take this in baby steps, so I'm looking at a mini-goal of reaching 183 sometime this spring. That is 14-1/2 lbs. that I'd like to lose in the next 14 weeks. Since I'm a rather slow loser, that is an acceptable time-frame. Then, I'm sure that the remainder of my excess weight that I'd like to lose would come off somewhat easily as I play through the summer. If not, then I can pick at it as time goes by. I'm not desperate though. I'm comfortable right now, so I'm not going to cry over hanging out at a smaller weight, even if it isn't my ultimate goal weight. So long as I can do everything that I want, then I'll be happy with my weight. If it gets in my way, then I'll purposefully work harder to get my weight down to wherever it needs to be in order for me to participate in whatever I might be missing out on.