Current Happenings

Friday, March 27, 2009

Gotta Fight For It

I'm not pretty when I sweat. I know that there are some girls who sit themselves on the bike, and they just pedal away while reading a magazine. I've been told that those girls "glisten" or "glow". Not me. I get splotchy. I get even more pale than usual, except for the parts of me that turn bright red like Rudolph's nose. I don't "glow". I bring a towel to mop myself up with, because sweat runs down my body in what looks like rivers.

I can't afford to read a magazine while I ride the bike. I've got too much work to do.

Of course, it's no wonder that no one ever tries to approach me or talk to me at the gym. As soon as I slip my headphones on, I'm all business. Don't get me wrong! I'm a friendly gal!! I love to talk with people, but not when I'm looking at what I know is going to feel like a little piece of torture. *laughs*

I'm not some super-human somebody. I can't bench-press my husband, nor run even a half-marathon. I just want to try and do the very best that I can, and not give a half-assed effort. I know that I don't have to be perfect, just do the best that I can. What I don't want is to use the notion of "my best" as a cop-out for being lazy. Lazy isn't going to get me what I want, or help me keep what I have.

Anyone who has lost a lot of weight probably understands that there are a lot of changes that take place within your body and mind during the process. I think that this has been a time when I've drawn some lines in the sand, and determined where my priorities are going to lie. Am I going to sit around, because watching tv and nibbling popcorn is so much easier than exercising? I dunno. Do I want a butt that looks like the couch? *laughs* Do I want to eat half the carton of ice cream at a time? I could, I guess. Do I want to be as wide as I am tall?

Life would be so much easier for me, if I adopted Tony's view on food. Oh, but I do love the little cupcakes though. *laughs* Yesterday, it was chocolate chip cookies. I wasn't feeling well, and for some reason I decided to play stupid and pretend like nibbling cookies all evening was an ok thing. Oh, the things that I tell myself sometimes. It's ridiculous. Anyway, later that night I had a good talk with me as I walked in front of the bathroom mirror.

{Let me just say that the next little bit is going to be very blunt. It's also rather personal. If any of that might bother you, feel free to skip it. }

I love my husband. Oh, I know that big girls deserve love just as much as skinny girls. I've had it both ways. So, as I stood there in front of that mirror, my eyes settled on some very important things for me.

There is that sharp jaw of mine, which I always thought was so ugly and horse-ish. He likes it though, and was so happy to see it again as the weight melted off. One day he just looked over at me and gave me the biggest grin, and ran his hand along the side of my face. I can't think of any reason why I'd want to steal that kind of thing from myself. It's wonderful when some part of me makes him happy, because it puffs me up and makes me even happier.

My upper body is much leaner, everything from my neck to my bust. My shoulders look sleek, my arms strong, and I can't say enough about the sexier underthings that I can wear now. I much prefer lacy, beautiful things, not something that looks like a harness used for pulling carriages.

There is something very wonderful about feeling my husband's hands slide over my ribcage, without them sinking into squishiness. I have actual bones. I can feel them. *chuckles* My back is now much stronger, so I sit, stand, and walk with better posture. There is something so nice about wearing beautiful clothes and feeling graceful.

I have a waist. I don't look square or round! I can feel my hip bones, and it makes me happy because it reminds me of the times when my husband presses those fine, strong hands into my hips to hold me close. It is exciting and intimate. My belly is smooth enough that we can be truly close, without my bulk getting in the way. My bottom is smaller and tighter, and earns me spontaneous smacks (lol) of appreciation. My legs are sleeker, well muscled, and look longer. I didn't get any taller, of course. Because they are leaner, they appear longer. My ankles are even smaller, enough so that my husband can easily wrap his hand around one. It is a beautiful thing....

... and it could all go away.

This is the point when I remember that I've been at this place before. My weight has bounced around a lot. I've been more slender, and I've been wider. Pretty soon I will match the mark for the lightest weight I've been since having kids. I've had to lose more weight this time around, just to get there. I didn't learn my lesson the first time. I didn't learn how to smash cupcakes with cauliflower. *chuckles*

As I was looking at all of these parts, I was thinking about how much I enjoy the freedom of being more slender. I was thinking about how much I enjoy the ways that my husband enjoys my body. I was thinking about how horrifically I would cry to lose all of that.

"If you want it, you've got to fight for it."

I actually said the words aloud, to myself. This is what I want. I could stand to lose a few more pounds. That part isn't so important to me though. What I want more than anything isn't to find out how skinny I can be, but to keep off these +/- 53 lbs. that I've lost. I refuse to put it back on in fat. I've learned my lesson, and I know that I have to buy whatever it is that I want. If I want to lose a pound, I need to earn it in sweat. If I want to enjoy a few M&M's, I need to buy them with sweat. If I want an easier rest day to relax, I need to buy it with more cauliflower. (Eating healthy fruits, veggies, & lean meats instead of processed crap.) Everything has a price. Everything needs to be bought. These things that I love so much- they are worth the effort. I'll never be some knock-out, but when my husband's eyes light up with such approval and excitement, I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I want to enjoy what is left of my youth while I have it. I'm willing to pay the price and earn what I want.


Ida said...

WOW! and Thank you. I needed to read this. I have become lazy, and am on the verge of 'settling'. You post has been a true inspiration for me.
Big Hugs and blessings, my friend

Fatinah said...

what a great post! thank you for sharing!

Marisa (Trim The Fat) said...

Excellent words to live by!!!

Mama Bear June said...

Such an awesome post. You are wonderful and I'm glad that you can see your beauty and love yourself.
Path to Health