When will I ever learn that my husband just has more muscle than I do, and that I don't have to be as strong as he is? Hopefully I learn that some time before I break into a million little mushy pieces. *laughs*
As far as cardio goes, I can drag myself around pretty well. I've got an advantage there, so I don't feel like I'm being "left behind" in a workout. With the weights though, there is just a part of me that just will not accept that though we are the same basic size- he will likely always be stronger than me. It's funny, because I don't actually want to be a big burly woman who could break her husband in two. *giggles* I think that it is just my competitive nature that drives me to try and match his ability, regardless of the fact that I don't physically have the same potential for upper-body strength as he does, at least not without trying to defy my body chemistry.
Ok, so I've established that I cannot lift as much as he can- so why do I want to try? Why do I feel like I'm wimping out to decrease the weights? It's such a stupid thing. This weekend, I was just this side of complete muscle failure on the bench press. It's been so long since I've been pushed hard, I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to feel like every part of my body (practically my eyeballs) are pushing along with my arms. It was all nice and good until I was doing the lat presses, and then tried to get up from the bench. That darned quad jumped up and bit me- and I wasn't even exercising it!! That just makes me want to cuss a little bit. It ruined the time I had on the treadmill, because I can't take a full stride with my quad killin' me.
I'm surprised that I've been able to move around as well as I have been. My ribcage hurts. I don't feel like I've strained my back, but more like it is specifically my ribcage. I'm sure that was primarily from the lat press. It feels so good when I'm doing it, but it didn't feel so good after a night of sleep. My arms are tight, as is my chest. That feels good though. It's not pain, just tightness. This blasted quad injury though, it's making me angry. It was too painful to let my little girl sit on my leg so she could see the choir and dancers at our Easter service. That bummed me out. I let her sit there anyway, for as long as I could. Then I limped for a couple of hours.
I hate being injured.
It makes me angry.
That's probably silly of me, but I do bad things when I'm in pain. I tend to also do bad things when I can't exercise well, and I haven't figured out how to get good cardio without using my legs. By trying to do more upper-body, I've just stressed out my muscles that aren't used to quite so much attention. So, now I've got to try and do this thing called... rest.
I'm trying to rest all of me today. I had a little too much ham with my cauliflower and broccoli yesterday. I ate a small stuffed cabbage, which was a real treat. Then, I got a little stupid as the time wore on and I realized that I had very little to actually add to the conversations going on around me. I started playing with the kids, tickling the big ones and making silly noises and faces at the little ones. I refilled papa's coffee thermos and even tried to watch "Stomp The Yard". Really, who settles their disputes with a 'dance off'? When I ran out of things to say and children to pester, I started nibbling. I ate 2 oatmeal cookies, 1 piece of birthday cake, and 3 rice krispie treats. I also had one slice of cheddar cheese and a couple of triscuit things.
I guess that it wasn't all that bad, it just feels like it. I hate feeling like I'm not in complete control of myself. I guess if I'm being honest, my 'control freak' nature goes for dietary stuff and exercise. It is utterly stupid though to say to myself, "I'm angry that I can't exercise like I want to, so I'm going to eat a cookie because I want to and I can." It's counterproductive to my cause, and that little bit of control doesn't make me feel any better when it is slapping some fat right onto my squishy arse. When will I ever learn?
It is a hard lesson to learn- what to do when I come face to face with how NOT in control I am. Most of the time I own everything. I get the weight off by doing certain actions, whether it is the type of exercise that I most enjoy or eating healthy foods that I cling to. When any of that is out of my control, I start getting weird- and more than a little stupid. I certainly didn't do anything horrible over the weekend, nor anything that can't be undone with a couple days of diligence. So, I'm not going to beat myself up with my own foolishness. Still, it's a little frustrating to see just how far I am from being "there", that place where I can trust that making the right decision will be my first impulse.