Current Happenings

Friday, June 26, 2009

Maybe Sane!

It sounds kind of funny, but I was just sitting around and the thought popped into my head that I felt kind of sane today. Being the gal that I am, I had to laugh at myself over that just a little.

It's 3 p.m. and I don't feel nuts about food. Actually, I'm too low on the calories thus far, but I'm not fretting it. I'll eat what feels right and just leave it at that. I've got some Great Northern beans and a couple of chicken breasts in the pressure cooker right now, and they will make up the bulk of a hearty soup for tonight. It is interesting to pull out food and think about what it's affect is going to be on heating up the house, instead of fretting over whether I'm going to feel like a beached whale by 9:00 tonight. It's all good, probably because it started off well.

When I got up this morning, I had the thought that maybe I should go and step on the scale. But, then I just thought, "Hey me. I don't need to know the number on the scale to eat healthy food. I should do that all of the time, not out of some sense of panic over numbers." Granted, I wasn't freaking out anyway, but I've done that plenty enough of that over the past few months.

The scale wasn't mean to be at all. I mean, there was no magic loss of weight, but I hadn't earned anything like that either. I'm hanging at 6 lbs. higher than my lowest weight. That's not horrible, and is completely fixable. What I am noticing though is that the lack of exercise is changing my body shape. I am still working out, but not anywhere near the level that I had been. I just can't, physically speaking. I'm just not as firm as I was, and that is a bit of a disappointment. Still, there's not much to be done about it. I have yet to find a general surgeon who takes my insurance. My HMO really sucks in this regard. There are lots of doctors, but their specialties aren't specifically listed. So, everyone is listed under general surgery, even if they do vascular surgery or even bariatric surgery. It's all damned frustrating. My husband is so upset that he's talked about buying supplemental insurance to make it easier for us to see doctors that we choose, and ones that are easier to find. He's just a mite angry after all of the trouble that we had in even attempting to get that custom brace that my orthopedic surgeon said was my only chance to walk with less pain, short of having my legs broken and pinned in multiple places. Now, I'm struggling to find someone to sew my tummy so it doesn't feel like my guts will fall out. Good fun. *sigh*

Though I'm getting a little softer, I'm still doing alright. This just means that I need to have more of these 'sane' days to help move the scale in a downward progression. I'm not in a big hurry, so that works in my favor. If I could even just lose 1/2 to 1 lb. per week, that would be plenty enough for me. I'm not uncomfortable in my skin... or rather, I'm not uncomfortable with the way that I look and such. lol I just want to keep losing weight, instead of gaining.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Treading Water

I seem to be choking on a little water now and again also. There are lots of things going on with me right now, and they feel like swimming with boots on. While they aren't necessarily pulling me down, it makes it a lot harder to accomplish anything measurable.

I'm finding that as time goes by, I am becoming more and more upset. I am unhappy nearly all of the time, and stressed out. I want some peace, but it's not easy for me to come by these days, and that is making it harder for me to keep my head in the right place when it comes to food choices. It almost makes me wish that I were one of those people who find it impossible to eat when they are upset, because I'd be downright skinny by now. *sad laugh*

Because I need something to do that doesn't involve the screaming headache that is my former haven, I've taken to doing the yard work. That gives me a good two hours of time outside where I can turn on my music and enjoy the physical exertion. It's a kind of dicey thing to do, since I'm supposed to watch what I'm doing, because of my hernia. I'm at a point where mental health is trumping physical health. The only other down-side is that I only have so much weed-whacking and lawn mowing to do.

When I feel well enough to do legitimate exercise, I've been using my new "Walk Away The Pounds" 5 mile DVD. I had the three-tape set, but they are very old and worn. So, I invested in a new DVD. I was used to the old 2-3 mile "walks" with the weights, and I was a little surprised to see that this 5 mile workout is much different. I've gotten through three miles now, and there are no weights. Maybe if I were feeling like Wonder Woman, I might feel disappointed, but right now it is a relief. On the flip side, these are faster mile times. The tapes worked out to a 15 minute mile, and the DVD has 12 minute miles. There is even some jogging and high impact moves. I can do the jogging, but the other stuff bounces me around to much and hurts my guts. It makes me think that I should invest in some kind of abdominal support, at least to use until I can get my muscle all sewn back together. I don't need my guts all falling out on me. lol

It's bothering me that I am drinking a lot of coffee these days. Well, at least it seems like a lot of coffee to me. I'm probably drinking 4-5 cups of coffee per day. I think that what bothers me the most is that I find myself drinking it to try and cut back on my calories during the day, knowing that I struggle so hard not to eat like a mad creature in the evening. It's not that I am starving so badly after a day of relative fasting, but just that some kind of switch flips after dinner, and I want to eat everything in sight. It doesn't matter how much I've had to eat during the day. I just go insane with food lust at night. It almost makes me wish that we could lock down the kitchen after dinner, but that isn't possible. Every other person in the house is eating in the evening, but I'm the only one who has troubles with the food.

I've been crying on my husband's shoulder a bit lately, at least figuratively. I don't cry that much. (Maybe I should! It might keep me from being so wound up and grumpy.) I was really freaking out the other day because I stepped on the scale and it said... 200 lbs. . I'm sure that you can just imagine the level of panic that I was experiencing. I went to my husband and just started spilling my guts to him about how freaked out I have been over my mysterious weight gains. Seriously, I've been putting on about a pound per day. I cannot be eating anywhere near enough food to account for that kind of weight gain. Even when I've been eating completely "on plan" and drinking all of my water, I've still gained that pound. So, seeing that 200 on the scale put me into a very dangerous place, mentally. I told my husband about my fears of putting the weight back on, and how I feel so frustrated about being continually hurt. I just wanted to ball my eyes out. He suggested that it was maybe a hormonal thing, but I explained that my period was weeks away. Then, I started having womanly issues yesterday.

I don't know what is going on with me. Really. I stepped on the scale this morning, and it read 197. It's not great, but at least it is down by 3 lbs. . I feel like I'm on a crazy roller coaster. I want to keep the scale moving down, but I'm not really sure how to accomplish that sometimes. I know that this stress that I'm under is messing with me. Not being able to exercise like normal is hindering my progress. Both of those things is leading to more time spent sitting around, wishing that I could be more active. Oh yeah, and that causes me to sit and do battle with myself, trying to avoid the food. I cannot handle inactivity. I just can't sit around bored. What worries me even more is even the idea of having to depend on other people to get things done while I recover from surgery. That goes a long way in explaining why I've been putting off making an appointment with the surgeon.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Walking Away My Pounds

I tried to walk on the XL Glider the other day, and that didn't work out so well for me. I think that I made it about 15 minutes before I decided that I couldn't do it anymore, and I sat down to rest. Well, today I put on my "Walk Away The Pounds" 2 mile video. I'm happy to say that I got through it!

I have to say that my pride is a little sore, because I am unable to use weights at all as I try to exercise. I noticed that so long as I didn't try to raise my knees too high, I can jog in place with only a little bit of pain. Since sitting on my butt, doing nothing, causes me pain- that's not too bad. Longer strides, like on the glider, hurt. So, maybe I'll just jog in place for a little while each day to try and stay active until I can get this hernia fixed.

My eating hasn't been stellar. I'm certainly not making the best food choices, and that causes me to feel more than a little disappointed in myself. I guess that is why I feel so determined to find some way to get at least a little exercise in. I find that I'm just becoming saddened and grumpy by the pain, and the frustration of being continually hurt. If it's not one thing, it's another. First it was an injured foot, then I managed to put my hip out, and now I have this hernia in my abdomen. My emotions are all over the place, and so everything else is suffering as my head isn't in the game the way that it should be.

I guess that the good news is that I haven't had a bad hit on the scale. I don't know how much of that is simply me trading muscle in for fat though. I have to be very careful about lifting weights right now, and that is such a disappointment. It's rather difficult to isolate my different muscle groups, trying to retain some kind of muscle tone while using my abs as little as possible. Over the past month or so, I've slowly crept up about 5 lbs. or so, sometimes a bit less than that. It's interesting how such a small amount of weight has messed with my head so much. Instead of looking at how much good I've done my body, I'm being overly critical of every bump and jiggle. Ick. I'm still trying to find a way to help shake myself out of this funk. At least I got a good workout in!!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

And Because I'm So Lucky...

I don't know if I've mentioned it before or not, but I've been experiencing some pretty frustrating abdominal pain for the past few months. At first, I thought that I was experiencing scar pain, because I have a pretty wicked vertical scar from the emergency c-sections that I've had. From time to time, I've had some discomfort because of the scar tissue. As time has gone by though, it has gotten worse. I then figured that maybe I had just overdone it with the exercise. Maybe that IS the answer, but I earned myself more than a little muscle soreness.

I went to see my doctor this morning, and he referred me to a surgeon. It appears that I have a hernia in my abdominal wall. I'm not a fan of being cut on, but I'd love to not be living with continual pain. A few days of more intense pain will be a reasonable trade in order to be done with the lingering burn that plagues me now.

I'm not sure what this means for my exercise routine, both now and later. I'm frustrated with the weakness of my body, but it seems that I'm destined for injury no matter how careful I try to be. It's enough to make me want to stomp my foot a few times.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Nearly Home

I've had a lot of fun while on vacation this past week. I always love spending time with my grandparents, my uncle, and my mama. I'm always sad when it's time to come home, because you never know whether you'll be able to all come together the next year. Life is like that.

We had a great time swimming in the pool, and playing with Grandma's little puppy. I've walked the lane for exercise, and waved at the neighbors as they came out to walk too. We've seen Mocking Birds for the first time, moo-ed at cows, played old video games, and even visited the Tennessee Aquarium. We adults ogled the sights with as much enthusiasm as my 8 year old daughter. My favorite creature was the weedy sea dragon. I loved the jellies too though.

My husband and I went for a drive through the country this morning, just looking around. We love just taking in the views. Some people that these things for granted, but I live in a poor suburb. I see more broken glass and overtaken concrete than anything else. It's refreshing to see rolling hills and tree-laden mountains.

My diet has been pretty atrocious. I'm being honest, at least. I couldn't have brought special groceries, because my grandma never has room for that stuff. Her fridge is an amazing work of balancing and good 'ole stuffing. I'd also never dream of hurting my grandma's feelings by not eating her fried pork chop, or spaghetti. So, I've eaten what the family has eaten, and maybe I'll pay for it a little bit. That's ok. I've been active by walking and swimming every day. I've even managed to get in a few squats and leg raises. I'm not going to worry or fuss about any of it though. There will be plenty of time to get down to the business of knocking off pounds once I get home.

It will be nice to get home and have more control over my routine. It's going to be a little sad too. I'm not usually sad to go home, but I am this year. Maybe it is just my stress levels of late, and maybe a bit of dread over how DH is going to handle watching his papa get more and more sick. All in all, it has been relaxing to be here. I can sit out on the porch with a book and just relax while listening to the birds. I can swim and play with my daughter without having to worry about what anyone else needs of me at the time. Life must get back to normal, I guess.

If there is something that I'm going to take away with me, it is that I want to take more time to play with my daughter. We've had a lot of fun just spending time together, whether it has been splashing around in the pool, or sitting and brushing her hair for an hour while watching a movie. I've missed her, and that sounds strange, since we are always together. I guess life has just been too busy. We need to slow things down a little bit. We can take that home with us- a little bit of SLOW from Tennessee.