Current Happenings

Monday, June 22, 2009

Treading Water

I seem to be choking on a little water now and again also. There are lots of things going on with me right now, and they feel like swimming with boots on. While they aren't necessarily pulling me down, it makes it a lot harder to accomplish anything measurable.

I'm finding that as time goes by, I am becoming more and more upset. I am unhappy nearly all of the time, and stressed out. I want some peace, but it's not easy for me to come by these days, and that is making it harder for me to keep my head in the right place when it comes to food choices. It almost makes me wish that I were one of those people who find it impossible to eat when they are upset, because I'd be downright skinny by now. *sad laugh*

Because I need something to do that doesn't involve the screaming headache that is my former haven, I've taken to doing the yard work. That gives me a good two hours of time outside where I can turn on my music and enjoy the physical exertion. It's a kind of dicey thing to do, since I'm supposed to watch what I'm doing, because of my hernia. I'm at a point where mental health is trumping physical health. The only other down-side is that I only have so much weed-whacking and lawn mowing to do.

When I feel well enough to do legitimate exercise, I've been using my new "Walk Away The Pounds" 5 mile DVD. I had the three-tape set, but they are very old and worn. So, I invested in a new DVD. I was used to the old 2-3 mile "walks" with the weights, and I was a little surprised to see that this 5 mile workout is much different. I've gotten through three miles now, and there are no weights. Maybe if I were feeling like Wonder Woman, I might feel disappointed, but right now it is a relief. On the flip side, these are faster mile times. The tapes worked out to a 15 minute mile, and the DVD has 12 minute miles. There is even some jogging and high impact moves. I can do the jogging, but the other stuff bounces me around to much and hurts my guts. It makes me think that I should invest in some kind of abdominal support, at least to use until I can get my muscle all sewn back together. I don't need my guts all falling out on me. lol

It's bothering me that I am drinking a lot of coffee these days. Well, at least it seems like a lot of coffee to me. I'm probably drinking 4-5 cups of coffee per day. I think that what bothers me the most is that I find myself drinking it to try and cut back on my calories during the day, knowing that I struggle so hard not to eat like a mad creature in the evening. It's not that I am starving so badly after a day of relative fasting, but just that some kind of switch flips after dinner, and I want to eat everything in sight. It doesn't matter how much I've had to eat during the day. I just go insane with food lust at night. It almost makes me wish that we could lock down the kitchen after dinner, but that isn't possible. Every other person in the house is eating in the evening, but I'm the only one who has troubles with the food.

I've been crying on my husband's shoulder a bit lately, at least figuratively. I don't cry that much. (Maybe I should! It might keep me from being so wound up and grumpy.) I was really freaking out the other day because I stepped on the scale and it said... 200 lbs. . I'm sure that you can just imagine the level of panic that I was experiencing. I went to my husband and just started spilling my guts to him about how freaked out I have been over my mysterious weight gains. Seriously, I've been putting on about a pound per day. I cannot be eating anywhere near enough food to account for that kind of weight gain. Even when I've been eating completely "on plan" and drinking all of my water, I've still gained that pound. So, seeing that 200 on the scale put me into a very dangerous place, mentally. I told my husband about my fears of putting the weight back on, and how I feel so frustrated about being continually hurt. I just wanted to ball my eyes out. He suggested that it was maybe a hormonal thing, but I explained that my period was weeks away. Then, I started having womanly issues yesterday.

I don't know what is going on with me. Really. I stepped on the scale this morning, and it read 197. It's not great, but at least it is down by 3 lbs. . I feel like I'm on a crazy roller coaster. I want to keep the scale moving down, but I'm not really sure how to accomplish that sometimes. I know that this stress that I'm under is messing with me. Not being able to exercise like normal is hindering my progress. Both of those things is leading to more time spent sitting around, wishing that I could be more active. Oh yeah, and that causes me to sit and do battle with myself, trying to avoid the food. I cannot handle inactivity. I just can't sit around bored. What worries me even more is even the idea of having to depend on other people to get things done while I recover from surgery. That goes a long way in explaining why I've been putting off making an appointment with the surgeon.


Ida said...

Here's a BIG HUG for you. I get the same way wanting to eat everything and then some at night. I keep 'helathy snacks' on hand, but you can only eat so many carrots before you grab something chocolate. I make sure the chocolate and ice cream, etc is at least sugar free. Hubby being diabetic helps there, since he can't handle the sugar.

Mama Bear June said...

Sending hugs and prayers. So sorry you've had to go through this. With the level of stress you have been under, that tends to increase cortisol production which leads to more belly fat. So that could account for your gains.

One of my stress relievers is praise and worship music.
Path to Health