Current Happenings

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Alrighty, My Friends

I will see y'all in a few days, if I'm up to it. I'm going to bed early this morning, because I have to be at the hospital by 5:30 a.m. . That is way too early. lol

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Wholly Crap, Batman!

I've had poo in my brain, I think. My head is just a big pile of mess, which is how I explain that I was curled up in bed last night, trying not to have some crazy anxiety attack. My insides are going to be on my outside on Monday, and I am freaking out a bit about it, which is just "not me".

Maybe some of my mental drama is because I don't know how bad it is in there. I'm in pain from my old C-Section scar, all the way up to my waist. I can either be gifted with a neat little 4" incision, or I can wake up to find that things were worse and I look like Frankenstein's Monster. I'm sure to have the moaning and groaning down. All I'll need are some bolts in my neck.

Now, I had wanted to be incredibly diligent with my dietary needs, and hopefully lose some weight before going into the hospital. I'll give ya three guesses as to how that has gone. The nurse at the hospital said that I can't take my pain meds this week, unless I want to take some Tylenol. She seemed to be surprised that I'm in pain. Now, I'm not a wimpy gal. I feel the need to say that. There are some people who act like they are going to die from a paper cut. I am not one of those people. I have a high pain threshold, probably from being put into so much damned pain. Let me just go on the record as saying that despite how many medical professionals seem surprised that I'm hurting, I'm in a lot of friggin pain! Best yet, neither of my doctors thought that I might actually have need of prescription pain medication during my wait to be hospitalized.

Maybe I'm slow, and I don't understand how these things normally work. When your doctor says that your abdominal wall is all jacked up with scar tissue and is now tearing apart because of the strain... shouldn't someone expect that it might hurt a bit? Blah. Nevermind me. I'm just cranky. What I find darkly funny is that the nurse said that they would want me to evaluate my pain and give them a number from 1-10. I feel as though someone is continually jabbing me with a searing knife and dragging it through my guts. What kind of number is that? When you've been living with it for a while and the pain becomes so familiar, what kind of number do you give it then? I don't even know how much pain I am in, because I've gotten used to so much of it all the time. I think it sounds like a grand idea for them to give me some drugs and then ask me to rate my relief, instead of my pain. It might be more accurate.

Um. So I've been in a not good place. You can imagine how my lofty ideas of losing weight has gone. My brain says, "Eat well and rest." The little gremlin inside my brain begins chewing on my gray matter, and it says, "Eat everything until you are stuffed and so fuzzy and overcome that you can sleep like the dead." Since my brain has neither teeth nor claw to fight this hungry little gremlin, it hasn't been winning. I've been eating too much, and most of it crap. I'm having a hard time building up any motivation to stand in front of the stove and cook meals. I've been so stressed out at home, on top of my pain, that I feel like just grabbing my skillets and running through the house, busting people up. I don't like cussing, but anymore I feel like I am just constantly surrounded by whining, bitching, and general laziness. I swear, I'm going to just explode.

So, while I am anxious about going in the hospital, there is a part of me that is really looking forward to it. I have to pay in pain for a little bit of peace and quiet.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Still Hanging Out

Well, I'm still here, hanging on by the tips of my fingers. I'm resolved to knocking off a couple of pounds this week, if I can manage that without exercise. I'm increasing my water intake, and am going to work harder on eating good foods in the proper portions.

I'm grumpy about being a little squishier than I had been a few months ago, but there is no one else to make grumpy eyebrows at but myself. Even though I can't exercise, that doesn't mean that I need to sit and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or hotdogs.

As crazy as it probably sounds, I'm looking forward to the trial of being bed-bound. For at least a few short days, I won't be free to pace through the kitchen, looking for food. Hopefully the time of rest will help me to overcome my cravings.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Happy Saturday to You

I tried a "Green Monster" last night, and I have to say that I must have put too much spinach in it. Boy, I could taste that spinach, and it wasn't so yummy. So, the next time that I make one, I'm going to up the fruit a little bit, and decrease the spinach a little bit.

This morning, I tried something a little different to try and help me through the morning hours. I had a cup of Corn Chex, but I added a scoop of protein powder to my Almond Breeze. I don't care for eating cereal very often, because I always end up terribly hungry in an hour. However, I also didn't want to cook on the stove. It has been horribly hot, and after a night of tossing and turning, I didn't want to stand next to a hot stove. Yuck.

I picked up a cute little egg slicer last night, when I went to the store. It's a little egg man, and he stands on these little feet. I'd like to add some egg to my salads and sandwiches, so a slicer will be very helpful.

Alrighty, I think that I'm going to get a move on and get off of here. Have a wonderful day!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Out, Damned Spot... of Ice Cream!

I got myself in a spot of trouble yesterday with chocolate & peanut butter frozen yogurt. D'oh. I threw half of it away, but still- it put me in a bad frame of mind. Even though I threw that half away, I came home and had ice cream after dinner. I tell ya, it's enough to make me want to start banging my head on a wall, hoping to knock some sense into me.

All in all, it's not like I took some kind of hit on the scale, but it's still rather stupid. I know what I should be eating, and I even brought a snack with me when we went to walk around at the street fair. Pumpkin was panting and griping about the heat a bit, and then she just lit up when she saw the ice cream shoppe. So, my little bag of pretzels was abandoned to my purse, and we ate ice cream (frozen yogurt for me) as we walked around and looked at all of the over-priced crafts and art.

My rational mind says that there is no reason why I would want to dip into my husband's carton of chocolate and marshmallow ice cream later on that evening. My addicted self, however, looks at the sugary crap like it's crack. Gotta have it. So what if it's going to slowly click closed the restraints of bondage to garbage, stealing away my freedom of movement, and most likely saddling me with diabetes eventually. It really is a constant battle, whether I'm seeing it in the number on the scale or not. I can either love myself or hate myself, and it always comes down to the moment by moment battle over the person that I want to be.

* * *
The Wolf You Feed


An elder Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me.. it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

"This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too", he added.

The Grandchildren thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied... "The one you feed."

* * *

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Hospitalization, Recovery, & Nutrition

My appointment with the surgeon was short and sweet this morning. It didn't take her long to determine that the muscle of my abdomen has torn and separated. I'm not completely clear about the explanation that she gave, but it had to do with compromised muscle resulting from my two previous vertical c-section incisions and having my gall bladder surgery having been done through my belly button. There was only a 4 inch section of my abdomen, below my belly button, that hasn't been scarred. All that will change on the 23rd.

In a couple of weeks, I am going to have my muscle sewn back together. I'll even be gifted with a sheet of mesh that will be attached, to keep my guts from trying to pop out again. *chuckles* After having a bad time with the spinal when I had my daughter, I'm opting to be completely knocked out this time around. That's much easier to take than crazy muscle spasms, leaking spinal fluid, and blood patches. I'd much rather have a nap.

What has me concerned is that I am going to need time to recover. After I come home from the hospital, I will be very dependent on my husband. I'm rather worried about this surgery acting as a setback in my renewed vigor toward making good choices. That may sound stupid to some people, but probably only those who don't know what it is like to find a "sober" period with food after having been in a rather "drunken" state.

Now, I thought that maybe I should pack the freezer with my favorite frozen Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisine meals, but I'm concerned about the sodium content. I know that they add potassium to counteract the affects of high sodium, and yet I know that having too much potassium is bad for a person also.

My other concern is that I don't know how much I should be eating while my body recovers. I'm kind of lost, knowing that I will be laying down a lot, walking very slowly when I DO move, and not knowing how much I should feed my body under these circumstances. Normally, I would just throw up my hands and try not to think about any of this stuff, but this is important to me right now. Because of my poor coping skills when dealing with pain, I've eaten myself an extra 8-1/2 lbs. onto my body already. I'm working hard to keep my head in the game and get a handle on this, which is why I'm so worried. Eight and a half pounds isn't a ton of weight, but it will only get harder to get it all off if I put on any more.

With all of that in mind, I'm focused tightly on eating a clean diet and trying to move as much as I can. I've got these two weeks to do as much good as I can for myself before having to switch to "lay around the house and eat Motrin" mode.

An Early Morning

I'm not used to being up too early, just because I don't have to be. *chuckles* This morning, I have to be up, because I have to go and visit a surgeon and have her poke around my guts to see what is going on in there.

Let's see... I've got a little catching up to do. Here are my numbers for yesterday.

Calories: 1,476
Fat: 30%
Carb: 52%
Fiber: 28g.
Protein: 21%

- 300 calories from a brisk walk.

I find it rather amusing, in a disturbing way, that I can plow through the calories so easily if I'm not caring what I eat- but it can be hard to eat enough when I'm choosing healthier foods. I sat down and ate peanut butter off of a spoon last night, to get myself up to that 1,476. I don't normally do that, just because peanut butter is very calorie dense.

I'm down another 1/2 lb. now, which makes 2 lbs. that have melted off in as many days. I know that water weight is an issue, and I don't even care. I'm just happy to see the scale move in a downward direction.

Well, I had better finish getting ready for my appointment. I'll pop on here later and share my numbers for today.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Lazy Eater

Rut Roh. I'm turning into the lazy eater of food these days. Instead of really focusing on what I need to be eating, I'm shuffling through the shelves looking for something healthy and easy to make. That's not working out so well for me. Instead, I'm sitting her blogging, instead of eating lunch.

I did real well yesterday, and I feel completely empowered to do it again today. I think that one of my problems is that I tend to back away from cooking a little bit when I am watching my food choices real close, because having too much good food around tempts me a great deal. For instance, I thought about eating a packet of this nasty "weight control" oatmeal that was in the cupboard, just because I knew that it would fill me up- but I wouldn't enjoy it all that much. I'm sure that that sounds pretty messed up.

If I enjoy myself too much, I keep eating. If the food is gone, I pace the house, wanting more. There are times when I purposefully have a day or two when I eat a completely bland diet, just because it helps me to become a sane person again. Sometimes I really feel like food is my crack. Yuck.

I like watching this show called "The Cleaner", and it deals with people who are addicted to various things. It's anything- drugs, sex, gambling, eating disorders, and the like. I watch the show and see the ways that they justify their behavior. When they can't have what they think they need, they get nutty and unstable. While I don't act the very same way, I can see little shadows of my own behavior with food in there. Ah, but I can't just stop eating. I wish it were that simple. It makes me wonder if there have been any overweight people who have just opted to bypass regular eating, choosing to have a feeding tube put in. I couldn't do such a thing, but the idea of not putting food in my mouth sounds helpful.

Well, I guess I had better go and find something good to put in me. I just ate vegetables before running out of the house this morning, so I need something more substantial now.

I Needed That

Oh goodness, I have needed this good day! I made it through a day of healthier eating without going nuts. That's a good change after how out of my head I have been lately. I even got in 30 minutes of exercise this afternoon. Yay.

Now, all I need to do is do it all over again tomorrow.

Summary
Mixed Vegetables, Steamed ...120
Oatmeal packet... 160
Lite Yogurt...80
Mashed Potato...103
Chicken Breast... 69
Evaporated Milk (1 fl. oz)...21
Coffee w/ Creamer...20
Lite Yogurt...80
Lean Cuisine: Salsbury Steak w/ Mac & Cheese...280
Cucumber, raw...25
Doughnut, small...151
Beef Jerky, 1 oz...80
Coffee w/ Creamer...20

Calories: 1,207
Fat: 20%
Carb: 53%
Fiber: 17 g.
Protein: 27%